A Case of Ed/Script

General

Script

Gallery

[Kevin is in his bedroom, grumpily watching rolls of toilet paper fly past his window. Ed and Eddy laugh and continue to throw the paper. Jimmy walks past.]
Eddy: "Kevin looks like he's ready to bust an artery!"
[Jimmy, scared, goes back the way he came.]
Eddy: [grabbing Jimmy] "Have a soda, Curlylocks. We're celebrating!" [He shoves a soda into Jimmy's retainer.]
Jimmy: "I don't want any part of this. You're in big trouble, Eddy!"
Eddy: "Old Shovel-Chin can't do nothing. He got grounded today!" [Kevin looks out angrily.] "A toast to Shovel-Chin!"
Ed: "With lots of butter!"
[Ed grabs Jimmy's bottle and gulps down the soda. As the bottle is wedged between Jimmy's cheek and his retainer, Jimmy is picked up and held upside down. Ed and Eddy finish their sodas, and Ed tosses Jimmy away. Jimmy slams into a tree as the bottle comes loose from it's position. Edd appears with a wagonload of books.]
Edd: "A daytime nap can invigorate, but nothing is more gratifying than a good book, Jimmy." [He gives Jimmy one of his books.]
Jimmy: "Owwa."
Eddy: "Quick! Double D! You're never gonna believe this. Kevin got–"
Edd: "Recycled books, Eddy. Look at this profusion of knowledge! The library was having a sale! How could I resist? Look at these gems! 'Nocturnal Burrowing Insects'!"
Ed: "Cool."
Edd: "'The Enchanted Spleen'!"
Ed: "Compelling."
Edd: "'Scores of Spores'."
Ed: "I can relate."
Edd: "'One Hundred and One Latin Party Jokes'!"
Ed: "Do tell!"
Edd: "'The Encyclopedia of Obscure Diseases'." [He looks inside.] "This looks edifying." [reading] "The Lackadaisy Cathro Disease. Listen to this, Ed. Symptoms include: the rationalization of mundane circumstances, habitual cleanliness, and an abnormal fixation to headwear!" [By the end of the entry, he has become very scared.]
Ed: "That sounds resembling. 'Cause it sounds like–uh–"
Eddy: "It sounds like Sockhead, bonehead." [They turn to Edd.]
Edd: "Me? Really?" [He tries to laugh it off.] "Why, that's just plain silly. I'll give you rationalizing, but habitual or abnormal fixation? Please." [He buries himself in the book, trying to find out about the disease.]
Eddy: [snatching it away] "Did you hear what I said? Kevin's stuck in his room! Grounded, I tell ya!" [He points to a now empty room.] "Quick! He's hiding!" [He and Ed run off.]
[Eddy goes up to Kevin's door. He uses some cue stick chalk on his finger, and then uses the blue finger to press the doorbell. He rings it until an angry Kevin throws the door open. Kevin's throws out his fist.]
Eddy: "Ah ah ah. You're not supposed to be outside. You've been grounded."
[Kevin growls with frustration, and Eddy slams the door in his face. Eddy then runs back and starts to talk to Edd. Suddenly, Ed puts his foot against a window by Kevin. His big toe has a face painted on it.]
Ed: "Hello, Kevin. Why are you such a sad sack?" [He brings up his other foot. There is a face on its big toe.] "Cuz he has been grounded. Oh, pardon me." [Ed unfurls the rest of his toes, each of which has a face on it, and laughs. Kevin just pulls the curtains shut.] "I should be in show business."
Edd: [still reading] "Eddy, do I mumble my words?"
Eddy: "Huh? You say something? Quit mumbling and put that book away."
Edd: [hiccuping] "Other symptoms include weakness in the lower extremities." [He looks down. His legs are wobbling.] "Eddy! I think I have Lackadaisy Cathro Disease!"
[Edd becomes psychosomatic. His face goes white, bags form under his eyes, and he assumes a slumped posture. On top of this, he puts a thermometer in his mouth and an ice pack on his head.]
Eddy: "Give it up, Double D. You're about as sick as Ed is."
Ed: [sticking his feet up] "Hello, I am Stinky. And I am Clammy." [He laughs.]
Eddy: [jokingly] "But now that you mention it, you do look kinda green around the gills."
Ed: "He does?"
Edd: [taking him seriously] "Oh, I'm so sick!" [He collapses.]
Eddy: [getting an idea] "Lemme see this thing." [reading] "Yep. This is you all over, Double D." [He and Ed snigger.] "It says here there's some tests to see how advanced it is."
Edd: "Tests? Of course, tests. Medical science will provide the answer."

---

[A doctor's bag is dropped on a table. Ed, dressed as a doctor, reads the disease book upside-down.]
Ed: "Paging Dr. Ed. Doctor Ed." [in a more serious tone] "One moment, please. I will be right with you."
Edd: [in a hospital gown] "I'm confused, Eddy. How is Ed qualified in–"
Eddy: "Say it ain't so, Double D! Confused? That's a symptom of that Lackadaisy Cathro Disease!" [He screams, then walks off with a fishing rod.] "I'll be back. Nice shorts, Romeo."
[Edd looks down, then tries to stretch the gown so that it will cover his tuchus.]
Ed: [setting a stool behind his friend] "Please, rest your buttocks."
[Edd takes a seat. Eddy, meanwhile, walks up to Kevin's door, rod in hand. He looks through the mail slot. Kevin is trying to use a fork to jimmy the lock on a jar of cookies. Eddy casts his line in, and the hook catches on Kevin's shorts. Eddy snickers and reels the pants in. Kevin's whole suit of clothes comes out.]
Kevin: "Hey!"
[Ed pulls out an eggbeater.]
Edd: "An eggbeater, Ed? Is that part of–"
[Ed rams the beater into Edd's mouth and turns it. He then pulls it out and rams it into the ground, extending Edd's tongue. Ed then pulls out a banana tied to a tin can. He holds the banana to his ear and drops the can on Edd's tongue. Ed then lifts the can up and drops it on another section. He completes the tongue examination and unties Edd's tongue from the eggbeater. Ed then reaches down and takes off Edd's shoe. Ed chews and swallows the shoe.]
Ed: "How long have you been a size two?"
Edd: "Size two? But I've always worn a size five shoe, doctor!"
Eddy: "Sounds like another symptom to me. Did Doctor Ed give you the rubber glove treatment yet?"
Edd: "Oh, Eddy. This Lackadaisy Cathro Disease is progressing so rapidly. I'm so unwell."
Eddy: "Geez Louise! Has anybody tried to kick you yet?"
Edd: "…no."
Eddy: "Good. 'Cause that's the final symptom." [He puts a "Kick Me" note on Edd's back.] "You're in the clear, buddy boy!"
Edd: "Why, I feel better already. Thank you, Dr. Ed."
[Eddy's foot shoots out and nails Edd in the behind, rocketing him skyward.]
Eddy: "Oh no! I thought you didn't have that last symptom, Double D! You gotta fight this, man!"
Edd: "Doctor, please do something." [Eddy kicks Edd's butt again.]
Ed: "Next."
Edd: "Wait!" [straining to heave himself upright] "Tell me the truth, doctor. How long am I…for this world?"
Ed: "Um…" [thinking] "Till lunch?"
[Edd stands straight up. His mouth drops open, and the background is tinted red. His eyes look forward blindly.]
Eddy: [waving a paper] "Here! Write, Double D!"
Edd: "A poem on the beauty of life as I knew it?"
Eddy: "No. Your will." [Edd looks at the page tearfully.] "Leave me something nice."
Ed: "Ooh, ooh, and I will take your hat, thank you very much."
Edd: [crying] "Oh, Double D, I knew thee well!" [He runs off bawling. Eddy laughs and Ed starts to cry.]
Ed: "Poor Double D!"
Eddy: "Double D isn't really sick, lummox. Remember?"
Ed: "That's some good TV right there."
Eddy: "Now, back to our caged rat." [Kevin is polishing the insides of the windows.] "Hey Jughead! Over here!"
[Eddy pulls his pants down and moons Kevin.]
Ed: "Whoa! I am turning into a werewolf, Eddy!"

---

[Edd looks down the lane. Behind him, he drags a wagon loaded with many of his possessions. Tears trickled down his stark white face.]
Edd: "My beloved peer group."
[Coming down the lane are the neighborhood kids, dressed to go swimming.]
Rolf: "Ed-boy! Why does your face sag lower than Nana's inner thighs? Come, join us for beachtime merriment and eggplant antipasto!"
Edd: [weeping] "Dear Rolf. Always giving–thoughtful–" [He breaks down completely.] "That's why–I want you–to have this." [He gives Rolf a light microscope.]
Rolf: "A peanut-smasher?"
Edd: [sobbing] "Oh, Rolf! You're so uneducated!" [He throws his arms around Rolf.]
Jonny: "Gloomy Gus is right, buddy."
Edd: "Jonny? Is that you? I'd like to bequeath to you my remote control."
Jonny: "Far out!"
Nazz: [confused] "Double D, are you like going somewhere?"
Edd: [smiling through his tears] "Nazz, Nazz, Nazz. So many things left unsaid."
Nazz: "Really? Like what, Double D?"
[Edd simply weeps, turning his back to Sarah, Jimmy, and Nazz.]
Sarah: "What's his problem?"
Jimmy: "The sickening pang of hope deferred, Sarah." [He notices the "Kick Me" sign and giggles.]
[Jimmy walks up and boots Edd in the behind. While by no means hurting Edd as much as Eddy's kicks must have, this still wounds Edd deeply.]
Edd: [despairing] "CURSE THIS DREADED LACKADAISY CATHRO DISEASE!" [He lapses into tears.]
Nazz: "Dude, looks like somebody's playing a joke on you." [She rips the note off of Edd's back and shows it to him.] "Don't sweat it, kay?" [She and the others walk off.]
Sarah: "What an idiot."
[Edd undergoes a miraculous recovery. He straightens up and color comes back into his face. He no longer looks like a sick man, a boy on his deathbed; rather, he looks like an hospital-gown clad suburban idiot.]
Edd: "Ooooh, those... those... rapscallions!"

---

[Kevin is bathed in darkness.]
Kevin: "Okay. Now I'm mad."
[On the outside, Ed and Eddy laugh. It seems that they have bricked up his house so no light can filter in.]
Edd: "ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELVES?"
Eddy: "Hang on there, Hamlet." [He resumes his laughter.]
Ed: "Too rich, huh, Double D?"
Edd: "LISTEN TO ME!!!"
Eddy: "How can we not?"
Edd: [holding up the note] "This was found on my body. You had me believe I was expiring!"
Eddy: [nervous] "Rage! Ain't that a symptom, Doctor Ed?" [He puts his arm around Ed and pulls his friend close. Too late, he realizes that he has actually put his arm around Kevin.]
Kevin: "I got out early, for good behavior." [He pounds his fist against his palm threateningly.]
Eddy: "KEVIN! Honest, I tried to stop him–" [He grabs Ed.] "But he insisted we bust your chops! He did!"
Ed: "Sponge stampede!" [He runs away.]
Kevin: "Get back here!"
[Ed and Eddy dart into Eddy's house and lock the door.]
Ed and Eddy: [singsong, as Kevin wrestles with the lock] "Kevin can't get us! Kevin can't get us!"
Eddy: [falsetto] "Oh no, Ed! I'm so scared!"
Ed: "I'm shaking like cheese." [They laugh and twirl around each other. Kevin shakes with rage.]
Edd: "Ahem." [to Kevin] "Oh, look! Eddy's spare house key!" [He shows it to Kevin and then drops it on the ground.] "Oops! How careless of me! I seem to have misplaced it!"
[Kevin, understanding where Edd's going, picks the key up. He unlocks the door and joins the dance. The dance continues until Eddy sees Kevin next to him.]
Eddy: "No! Not the face, Kev!" [Kevin begins beating on Eddy, and drags Ed down to join them.]
Edd: [dressed as a doctor] "Kevin's Justified Pummel Disorder. Symptoms are a bruised right eye, followed by a sore rear end, and a rapid release of hot air from an overinflated ego!" [He laughs.]