A Glass of Warm Ed/Script

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Script

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[Edd is sleeping in his room when a sudden noise awakens him. He sits up and scans the room until his eyes rest on his open window. He shivers and grabs his cactus. He then sets off downstairs, where more noises can be heard. There is a light coming from the kitchen. He looks in and sees someone raiding his refrigerator.]
Edd: [freaked out] "Oh dear. An intruder. Eating all the food out of my refrigerator. In bare feet! So unsanitary."
[Edd peeks around the corner again and sees nobody. He walks over to his still open fridge and looks in it. Suddenly, the kitchen windows burst open.]
Edd: [raising his cactus like a weapon] "I've got a cactus! Uh..."
[He looks back at the refrigerator. He is staring, specifically, at the bottom left drawer. He reaches for it and opens it slowly. There is something inside which suddenly rises up.]
Edd: "GAH!"
[The blob inside is revealed to be Ed. Ed was the midnight intruder, and he is still eating a string of sausages.]
Edd: [relieved] "Ed? You practically scared me out of my one-size-fits-all pajamas. Do you know what time it is?"
[Ed reaches into a jar of pickles and plucks one out. He then proceeds to drink the whole jar, abandoning his selected pickle.]
Edd: "Um, Ed?" [He holds his cactus, Jim, out to protect himself.] "Don't make me use this!"
[Ed opens his mouth and takes a bite out of the cactus.]
Edd: [horrified] "You ate Jim. Ed, cacti have feelings just like you–" [He stops and stares at Ed. Ed comes back carrying many various foods.] "Hold it right there, mister Ed! Stop! Where are you going with all my food? Ed, they'll spoil!"
[Ed comes back and takes Jim. He then proceeds to climb out the kitchen window with his supplies.]
Edd: "Ed, come back here and close this refrigerator door!" [Ed, oblivious, walks on.] "Ed!" [coming up with a course of action] "I need to wake Eddy. Oh dear. A paradox."

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[Edd leaves his house and rushes over to Eddy's.]
Edd: [tapping on Eddy's window] "Eddy. Eddy. Oh...Eddy, are you awake?" [Eddy groans and gets up to go to the window.] "This is an emergency." [Eddy looks out at Edd.] "It's Ed."
Eddy: [opening his door] "Who turned off the sun?"
Edd: "Good. You're awake. We have a problem, Eddy! Ed was in my house. My kitchen. My refrigerator! Not that it's any different than any other day. But, well, it was late, y'see. And I usually like to get eight hours of sleep. But Ed was eating. Has eaten. Has taken all my food! I asked him. Talked to him. But no reaction! He just kept eating. Do you hear me Eddy. Ed. Is. Sleepwalking!"
[Eddy yawns. The screen door of his house slides open, and Ed walks out, carrying armloads of food.]
Eddy: "What's he doing with all my food?"
Edd: "Ed is like a swarm of locusts ready to purge the cul-de-sac and all its good people of their food!"
Eddy: [after a pause] "Y'know, you scare me when you talk like that. Let's go see what Big Ed's up to!"

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[We Now See Nazz's room. Nazz is sleeping soundly. On her face she has skin cream and she has cucumbers over her eyes. As we watch, Ed walks in and grabs one of the cucumbers. On his way out, he drops an egg and an apple.]

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[Edd and Eddy peek around the side of the house. They wait for Ed. Ed does not disappoint, making his exit by ramming a fridge through the door and guzzling its contents.]
Eddy: [entertained] "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Man, tell me I wasn't dreaming. He scarfed the whole fridge!" [He laughs.]
Edd: [nervous] "Ssh."

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[Ed is in somebody's kitchen. As Edd and Eddy watch, he opens the fridge. He takes out a pie and eats it, and washes it down with a carton of milk.]
Edd: "I hope he doesn't wake Jimmy. This is not good."
Eddy: "This is rich, Double D! Have a seat, front row center to the greatest show on earth!" [He pulls out a bag of popcorn.]
Edd: [watching with him] "Are you gonna share those?"
[Ed ingests a whole melon. This is nothing compared to what he does next, however; he eats a whole armful of food. He then uses a piece of bread to wipe his face. Ed tosses the bread in the air and catches it with his mouth.]
Edd: [impressed] "That was very good!"
Eddy: "I can't figure out where he's putting it all!" [He looks back at the kitchen and doesn't see Ed.] "Huh? Where'd he go?"

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[Jimmy is in his bed, sleeping soundly. He has a sleeper over his eyes. He hears a board creak and wakes.]
Jimmy: "Egads! What is that hideous odor?" [He lifts the sleeper off one eye.] "Santa?"

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Edd: [in the kitchen with Eddy] "Do you think Ed swallowed himself?"
Jimmy: "Help! Help!"
[Edd and Eddy rush over to his bedroom and open the door. Inside, we can see that Ed is ingesting Jimmy.]
Jimmy: "Saliva! Yuck! Germs!"
[The sober Eds close the door on the scene.]
Eddy: "Good thing I'm a man of the world."
Edd: "I'm terrified beyond rational thought. I can't look!"
[Eddy turns the doorknob again. Inside is Jimmy, shivering in a puddle of saliva. Ed is nowhere to be seen.]
Eddy: "He spit Jimmy back out!"
Edd: "Phew!"
Eddy: "Let's go! I don't want to miss Ed getting heartburn!"

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[A trail of food containers and food leads Edd and Eddy to the lane.]
Eddy: "Look at all this! Ed must have bilked the whole neighborhood of its food!"
Edd: "Messy, messy." [He picks up a milk bottle.] "Sleepwalking and eating everyone's food is one thing. But LITTERING?"
Eddy: "Check it out, Double D! Whoo! Ed ate a whole box of bran muffins!"
Edd: "This could be dangerous, Eddy."
Eddy: "Oh, yeah!" [He zooms off, following the trail.]

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[Eddy follows the trail around the side of a house.]
Eddy: "This mess should lead us right to him!"
[There can be seen a trail of sausages. As we watch, it is pulled into a basement window. Ed has come home.]
Eddy: "Bingo!" [He grabs the sausages and pulls.] "Gotcha. Whoa!"
[Ed yanks back on the sausages, sending Eddy inside. He boomerangs off a table beneath the window onto the ceiling and falls into Ed's chair.]
Edd: "Careful Eddy."
Eddy: [pulling a cooked turkey out from beneath the cushion] "Finders keepers!"
Edd: "Um, Eddy?" [He points.]
Eddy: "What?" [He looks in the direction Edd indicates and snickers. Ed is lying bloated on his bed, food strewn about him.]
Edd: "Ed seems quite content among all that food."
Eddy: "Yeah, like a beached whale." [He climbs on Ed.] "He looks so natural. Oh Ed? Ed?" [He grabs Ed's pajamas and shakes.] "Wake up, Goldilocks!"
[Ed awakens.]
Ed: "Hi guys!"
Edd: "Ed, do you know that you walk in your sleep? And that you have consumed all the food within a five-block radius of your bed?"
Ed: [trying to move] "Not only that, but I feel as though I have consumed all the food within a five-block radius of my bed." [He looks at Jim.] "Jim got a haircut."
Edd: "Don't you remember anything, Ed?!?"
Eddy: "You were great! You ate everything, including Jimmy!" [The buttons on Ed's pajama top burst off.]
Ed: [talking to his belly] "OH NO! JIMMY, DON'T TELL SARAH! Guys, help me!"
Eddy: "Don't worry! We're gonna sleep over, so we can keep an eye out for you. Got any extra blankets?" [He slides open Ed's closet door to reveal his closet is stocked with food. It all falls out in an avalanche which Eddy barely avoids. Edd snickers at the ordeal.]
Ed: "C'mon Jimmy time for bed."

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[The Eds are in Ed's room, snoring away. Ed is secured to his bed with rope. Suddenly, Ed gets up and starts walking. A crash of something breaking is heard, and Edd and Eddy awaken.]
Edd: "Eddy! Ed's walking in his sleep again!"
[Ed walks out a door. His bed, to which he is still tied, gets caught on the doorframe. Ed breaks the ropes and continues on.]
Sarah: [from her room] "Ed! Ed! Shut up!"
[Ed exits the house and turns right.]
Eddy: [on the outside of the house, not seeing him] "How can he be so big and quick?"
Edd: "He's hopping the fence, Eddy!"
[Ed has managed to climb over the fence.]
Eddy: "Ed!" [Ed is now perched on a pole attached to a clothesline. As we watch, he plucks an apple from a tree with his tongue.] "Thataboy, Ed!"
[Ed steps onto the clothesline, bending it. As he slides towards the middle, an pair of panties come loose. When he reaches the middle, the clothesline acts as a slingshot, shooting him into the sky. As he leaves earth, he grabs the panties in his teeth. Once his descent begins, the panties open and act as a parachute. He flies away on them.]
Eddy: "Oh, that big lug's cracking me up."
Edd: "I think I know how to lure him back!"
Eddy: "Why?"

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[Ed is in someone's kitchen, raiding their fridge, when an odor prods him in the nostrils. He sniffs, and then takes a deeper whiff. We can now see that the odor is coming from a pair of his shoes. The shoes start moving off, and he drops the food in his arms and chases the odor.]
Edd: [with a clothespin on his nose] "The familiar scents of one's personal belongings always makes one long for their natural environment!"
Eddy: "You must be a riot at parties, Double D."
[Ed follows the scent around the corner of his house. He comes up to the window but does not bend down to get in; rather, he walks straight into the wall. He stumbles backwards.]
Eddy: "I got him I got him!"
[Eddy grabs him by the ankles and drags him partway inside. Once this has been done, he and Edd both take a leg and pull, trying to force him through the window.]
Edd: "My, Ed's grown!"
[From an outside view we can see that Ed is much too fat to fit through the window. Inside, Eddy and Edd are now in the bathroom. Eddy, seeing this, lets go of his leg. Ed's left leg snaps back at the same time as his right one, slamming Edd against the wall.]
Edd: [dazed] "I believe Ed isn't going anywhere."
Eddy: "We got him right where we want him."
[Ed is sleeping soundly, half in and half out of his house.]

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[Morning dawns on Jimmy's house. Jimmy, obviously scared out of his wits, crawls out from under his bed. He makes his way to the kitchen.]
Jimmy: "Holy mackerel! Where's all my food?" [He spots an open box of cookies.] "Yummy! Cookies!" [He shakes the box into his hand, but only a few small crumbs appear. His stomach moans.] "My tummy needs food!"
Eddy: [offscreen] "Fresh food! Cheap prices! Get your groceries at Ed's Mart!"
[Jimmy exits his house.]
Jonny: "Hurry, Plank! We need to fill that tummy! Awwow. And mine too!"
Eddy: [as the kids slowly trudge to the store] "We've got all your favorite food here at Ed's Mart! Get it while it's hot, folks!" [We now see that Eddy is speaking through a megaphone.] "No one can beat our prices at Ed's Mart! All your favorite food here- [yells in Edd's ear] -AT ED'S MART!"
[Jonny staggers up to the stand.]
Eddy: "Good morning Jonny boy. What can I get ya?"
Jonny: "Eddy, you wouldn't happen to have–"
Eddy: "Your Chunky Puffs? I mean, your favorite, Chunky Puffs? Sure! That'll be fifty cents."
[He holds out a jar, and Jonny drops some coins into it.]
Edd: "He's-uh-just checking our inventory, and will be back momentarily."

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[Eddy has his arm halfway down Ed's throat and is rummaging in Ed's stomach for something.]
Eddy: "Chunky Puffs, Chunky Puffs, Chunky Puffs...Nope. Woop! That ain't it. Ah ha! Here we go." [He pulls out a box of cereal.] "Here you go, Jonny."
Jonny: "I love Chunky Puffs."
Ed: "Would you like milk with that?"
Eddy: "Can't eat cereal without milk."
[Edd points at his mouth and makes gagging noises.]

---Ow