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Script


[Edd is polishing a table. He looks down and sees his reflection in it.]
Edd: "Nice. Putting one's shoulder to the wheel surely has its rewards."
[He looks around his backyard, where everywhere can be seen polished wood.]
Edd: "There. Refinished, rejuvenated, and reusable."
[Edd spots something odd on the ground and hurries over to it.]
Edd: "What's this?" [He picks up a tube of lipstick.] "Strange. Now what could a lipstick dispenser be doing in my yard?" [A fearful idea strikes him.] "Oh my."
[Edd, scared, looks around. Out of nowhere, Marie pounces on him.]
Marie: "Yahoo!"
Edd: [as Marie grabs the lipstick that was tossed in the air] "Puleah!"
Marie: [after tying Edd in a knot] "Hiya, dreamboat!" [applying lipstick] "Pucker up, oven mitt!"
Edd: "No! Please! You wouldn't dare!"


[Ed pours himself a bowl of cereal. He tries to eat it with his hands. Finding this unsatisfactory, he tries his tongue. He looks at the bowl, thinking hard.]
Ed: "Spoon, please!"
[Ed rushes into the kitchen and searches in a drawer for a spoon. He pulls out a spatula. As this is not what he wanted, he tosses it away. He then pulls out a beater and May in rapid order and burrows into the drawer.]
Ed: "Hello? Hello?" [He finds a spoon.] "Thank you, spoon!"
May: [hugging him] "A big hug for my honey!"
[In the spoon's reflection, we can see May about to kiss Ed.]
May: "Put those lips together and make like a fish!"
Ed: "Girl germs!"


[An alarm clock goes off. Eddy rises sleepily and yawns. He goes to take a shower. Inside, he is slumped against the shower wall, exhausted. The shower fills with water, and he wakens. He sees a great clump of hair stuck in the drainpipe. He yanks it out, and Lee appears.]
Eddy: [suddenly lucid] "Kanker!"
[Lee chortles evilly.]


[Edd, with a kiss-smeared face, runs through the junkyard. He leaps into the retro van and slams the door. He peers out the window, and the lipstick-stained faces of Eddy and Ed look out with him.]
Eddy: "What? You too?"
Edd: "We've fallen into the claws of rapture, I'm afraid!"
Eddy: "What's with those stupid Kankers? Why can't they just leave us alone?" [He climbs into the back and sits on the waterbed. A horrible stench emanates from his armpits.]
Edd: "Good golly almighty! What is that horrible odor? Ed?"
Ed: "Not I, Double D. Talk to mister stinkpot."
Eddy: "Hey, I had a Kanker hairball stuck in my shower!"
Edd: "Calm down, Eddy! I'm sure if we put our two and a half heads together we–"
Eddy: "YOU THINK OF SOMETHING, SMART GUY!"
Edd: [scared] "Sssh!" [He climbs into the back and lies on the waterbed, trying to solve the problem.]
Eddy: "So?" [Not receiving a response, he proceeds to pound on the car while chanting "think."] "Think! Think! Think! Think!" [Ed joins in, blowing the horn and yelling.]
Ed and Eddy: "Think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think thi–"
Edd: "VERY WELL THEN!"
Eddy: "And it better be good."
[Edd climbs out the back of the van and heads off, thinking all the way.]
Eddy: "Where ya goin?" [He and Ed follow.]


[Rolf is at the end of the lane, standing next to two rocks. One of the rocks is large; the other one, small. Rolf picks up the small rock and raises it over his head.]
Rolf: "SLAHORN!" [He brings the rock down on the larger rock, smashing it to pebbles while leaving the small one intact. Edd goes over and picks up one of the pebbles.]
Eddy: "You're on to something, aren'tcha? Oh, I know! Don't tell me. We hit 'em with a rock, and–" [he realizes] "That's stupid! I could've thought of that!" [Eddy is alone.] "Now where'd ya go?"


[Further down the lane, Rolf marks an X on another rock. He brings the small rock over his head again.]
Rolf: "SLAHORN!" [He starts to bring the rock down, but has to stop suddenly; Ed is in the way.]
Ed: "What is with the rock, Rolf?"
Rolf: "Hello, Bundt cake for brain Ed-boy. Rolf is using this smaller rock to crush this bigger rock."
Ed: "Bundt cake crushes rock?"
Rolf: "No, only rock will break rock!"
Edd: [inspiration striking] "By George, that's the answer!"
Ed: [with a slice of pizza] "Pizza slice breaks rock?"
Rolf: [frustrated at Ed's inability to comprehend something this simple] "Ed-boy! No pizza, rock!"
Ed: [with a soft pretzel] "Half-eaten pretzel bagel breaks rock?"
Rolf: [irate] "Must Rolf beat some sense into that overcooked noodle you call a head?"
Edd: "Rolf!" [He vigorously shakes Rolf's hand.] "Thank you for being an unlikely source of inspiration." [Ed steals Rolf's rock.]
Ed: [running after Edd] "I'm a noodlehead and you're not!" [Ed throws the rock into the air, and it comes down on Rolf's head.]
Rolf: "Rolf too yearns the simple life of a noodlehead."


Edd: "Eddy! I've formed a solution to our Kanker dilemma! Because only a rock can break a rock!"
Eddy: [angry] "You spent all this time thinking and that's what you came up with?!?!?"
Edd: [tired] "It's just an analogy, Eddy. Rock breaks rock, fight fire with fire? We use reverse psychology!" [He pulls out a book on the subject.]
Eddy: "Oh, I getcha! We hit 'em with a book! That's a good one."
Edd: "Perhaps a demonstration will help clarify things. Ed! Listen carefully, now. Do not eat that dirt."
[Ed laughs, finding the suggestion easy to resist. Yet only a few seconds later, his eyes flicker to the dirt. Moments after that, he is on the ground, eating it.]
Eddy: "What an idiot! I thought you said not to eat the dirt."
Edd: "That's reverse psychology, Eddy! In order to defeat our enemy, we must become our enemy."


[May hits the ground with a black eye.]
Marie: "Hey, May, can I borrow your barrette?" [She takes a hairpin from May's hair.] "My cutie pie's gonna love my new hairdo." [Lee enters the fight, sending Marie into May and taking the barrette.]
Lee: "Oh no you don't. I need it for my hair."
Marie: "I saw it first!"
Lee: "Is that so?"
[The sisters brawl. In the background, Edd lowers Ed from a tree and sets him on the ground. Ed goes up to the Kankers.]
Ed: "I belch you good day, ladies."
[The Kankers stop fighting.]
Lee: "Look, girls. Big Ed's come for a visit."
Marie: "What a koinkydink. I was just thinking about you."
May: "Back off! He's mine."
Lee: "I say we split him up three ways, huh girls?"
[Edd and Eddy watch from the tree.]
Eddy: [scared for his friend] "You better be sure about this, or Ed's a goner!"
Edd: [confident] "Have faith in the science of the mind, Eddy."
Lee: "I say, on the count of three, we jump him. Ready?"
Ed: "MAY!" [A long pause.] "You look very pretty today." [He ruffles her hair.]
May: [blushing] "Oh, gee. You're making me break out in a rash, big Ed."
Lee: "He's so good looking."
Marie: "In a weird kinda way."
Ed: "Let's mumbo!"
[Ed grabs Lee and Marie and crashes them together. He takes their right hands and places them on his hip, where he tapes them. He then grabs their left hands in his right.]
Lee: "Slow down, Casanova! We ain't even cooked you dinner yet."
[The dance begins. Ed dances violently with them. He then reaches down and pulls out some dandelions with his teeth, which he proffers to his partners. Ed dances with them, even though Lee and Marie grow more scared by the second. An abrupt turn saves the sisters; the tape comes loose, and they fly away. Ed then turns to May.]
Ed: "May I have your hand in carriage?" [He stuffs May's hand in his mouth.]
May: [a little afraid] "What're you talking about, Ed?"
Lee: [next to her sisters] "This guy's beginning to creep me out. Back off, mister!"
[Lee shoves Ed away. Edd watches gleefully.]
Edd: "Eddy, look! It's beginning to work!"
Eddy: "It is? See? What'd I tell ya?"
[Ed gets up.]
May: "What's he up to now?"
Ed: [with a hat full of candy] "A treat for my sweets?" [He approaches, and they back away.] "Okay! Let's pitch some woo!" [He puts the hat on and puckers up. The Kankers back up all the way to the water's edge.]
Marie: "Lee, do something!"
Lee: "I'm on it, Marie!"
[Lee throws May into the water and climbs on her. Her yellow hair keeps them afloat, and Lee uses Marie to paddle across the creek and into the woods.]
Eddy: [leaping on Ed] "Ed, you did it! You're a masher, and I ain't talkin' potatoes, either. Let's reverse psycho-whatever the store into giving us some free jawbreakers."
Edd: "We're not done yet, Eddy."
Eddy: [surprised] "Not done?"
Edd: "No, Eddy! In order to ensure ourselves of a Kanker-free future, the three of us must strike while the iron is hot."
Eddy: "No way! I'll wait for the movie."
Edd: "Ed, please don't get Eddy."
[Ed waits for a few seconds before, seemingly involuntarily, his legs start to churn and he takes off after Eddy.]
Eddy: [running away] "Leave me alone! I don't wanna! Go away!"


[A Kanker locks the door to their trailer.]
May: "What just happened there?"
Lee: "Ma was right. Throw a man a bone, and he'll mess up the carpet."
Edd: [appearing seemingly out of nowhere] "Welcome home, my dainty dowdy darlings! I have freshly laundered socks for each of my contemptuous cupcakes!" [A bell rings in the kitchen.]
Ed: "And I made my chicks pancakes!" [The pancakes are heart shaped.] "Ketchup?" [He draws on the food.] "See? I love you." [He has drawn an eye, a heart, and a "U", reading diagonally.] "A poet I am."
May: "These guys are creeping me out!" [They head up the stairs.]
Lee: "Let's hide in our room!"
Marie: "Wait up, girls!"
Eddy: [scared] "Uh-oh." [He tries to hold the door shut.]
Edd: "Surprise, surprise!" [He is in the room as well, and has labeled everything.] "Love knows no bounds, turtledoves. While labeling all the personal items in your boudoir, I took the liberty of planning a more ergonomic arrangement to our love nest."
[The Kankers burst out of the room, scared out of their minds.]
Marie: "They're so suffocating!"
May: "Make 'em go away, Lee!"
Lee: "That's it, I'm calling the cops!" [She picks up the phone, which is on top of Ed's head.]
Ed: "Dial me for love!"
[Lee slams the phone down, and the sisters rush the front door. They claw at the screen desperately. One of them finally grasps the handle and opens the door only to find Edd just outside with a flower.]
Edd: [pulling off petals] "She loves me. She loves me also."
The Kankers: "AAAH!" [They run the other way and meet Eddy.]
Eddy, Lee, May, Marie: "AAAAAAAAHHHH!" [The Kankers do an about face and run into a closet.]
Ed: [inside with them] "It's dark!" [He cackles.]
The Kankers: "AAAAAHHH!" [They break out and huddle together on the sofa.]
Edd: "Care to snuggle under my blanket of amore?"
The Kankers: "AAAAH!" [They leap off the couch.]
Edd: [to Eddy, who is huddled in a plant] "I haven't had this much fun since father let me disassemble his shaver." [pulling out a bouquet] "Here, Eddy. It's your turn."


[Edd pushes Eddy towards the Kankers, who are huddled in a corner.]
Edd: [whispering] "Go on, Eddy. Show no mercy. Make them never bother us again."
Eddy: [nervous, his knees knocking] "Um, so, yeah...um..."
[A drop of sweat rolls off his brow and plops on the floor. Lee notices, and points this out to her sisters. They grin evilly, and only pretend to be scared by Eddy.]
Lee: [hopping away] "Oh, you scare us!"
May: "You're so close."
Marie: [following her sisters] "Eeek."
Eddy: [amazed at his apparent success] "Ha! They couldn't take the ol' Eddy charm. Can't blame 'em, though. I'm too much for even myself."
Ed: "You're Eddy! Babe magnet to the, um...babes!"
Eddy: "Let's hit on 'em again!"


Eddy: [kicking the Kankers' bedroom door open] "No use runnin', you know you want me. C'mon, quit playing hard to get!" [Edd follows him. Ed enters. When the Eds are standing in the middle of the room, Lee slams the door shut and locks it.]
Lee: "Uh-oh, looks like we're trapped. Just prisoners of love." [She drops the key into her shirt.]
Eddy: "Check this out, boys." [He approaches Lee.] "Hey, toots, it's smoochin' time!"
Lee: [sarcastic] "Ooh, yuck, germs! Leave us alone!" [Edd watches, realizing the game has changed.]
Ed: "Click click." [Suddenly, a hand reaches out and drags Ed towards the closet.]
May: [peeking out] "Oops! You found me. Don't come any closer!"
Ed: "You are a sneaky one." [May pulls him into the closet.] "Holy schmoly!"
Edd: [frantically flipping through the book] "Something's not right here!" [Marie's head appears between the pages.]
Marie: "Don't kiss me, Double D!" [She begins moving towards him.]
Edd: [backing up] "This can't be! They've turned the tables on us, Eddy! IT'S A REVERSE-REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY!"
[Marie grabs Edd and gets ready to kiss. Around the room, her sisters do the same.]
The Eds: "WE'RE TOO YOUNG!!!"

Season 4 Scripts
"An Ed in the Bush" • "See No Ed" • "Is There an Ed in the House?" • "An Ed is Born" • "One Size Fits Ed" • "Pain in the Ed" • "Ed Overboard" • "One of Those Eds" • "They Call Him Mr. Ed" • "For the Ed, by the Ed" • "Little Ed Blue" • "A Twist of Ed" • "Your Ed Here" • "The Good Ol' Ed" • "Thick as an Ed" • "Sorry, Wrong Ed" • "Robbin' Ed" • "A Case of Ed" • "Run for your Ed" • "Hand Me Down Ed" • "Stiff Upper Ed" • "Here's Mud in Your Ed" • "Stuck in Ed" • "Postcards from the Ed" • "Take This Ed and Shove It"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide

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