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Script


[Rolf and Kevin are in Rolf's house. Rolf turns on the TV.]
Rolf: "Hurry, Kevin! Come quick! It's beginning!
Kevin: "So, Rolf, this beauty pageant thing–hot babes, right?"
Rolf: "No babies, Kevin. This is a big hoodoo in Rolf's homeland. The Miss Arduous Field Worker pageant!"
Kevin: "Field worker?" [Rolf grabs the thing Kevin is holding.]
Rolf: "Only Rolf may wear the Fist of Pageantry." [He puts it on like a hat.] "Look, Kevin! Do you see Gretchen? She is much favored in the Callus Toss!"
Kevin: [squinting] "Callus Toss?"
Rolf: [hitting him] "Again? Why do you answer Rolf with questions? Do you have potatoes in your ears, Kevin boy?"
[At Ed's house, Ed is watching Fish Bowl 2 on TV.]
Ed: "Seen it." [He changes channels. The same program is on.] "Seen it." [Same.] "Seen it." [Again.] "Seen it." [Fish Bowl 2 yet again.] "Seen it."
[Eddy is sitting on Ed's bed, looking through comics and eating chips.]
Eddy: "Geez, Ed. Got any real magazines with real pictures?"
Ed: "Seen it."
Edd: "You know, Eddy, when I agreed to this home-study group, it was with the understanding that everyone would do their fair share."
[Edd is off in a corner of the room, working on various homework assignments.]
Eddy: "If me and Ed did any work, you'd be kissing that grade average goodbye."
Ed: "Seen it!"
Edd: [despairing] "Why me?"
[The lights go out. Eddy sits up.]
Eddy: "Hey! Who turned out the light?"
Ed: [trying to change channels on his dead TV] "Seen it."
[Edd opens Ed's window and looks out. The whole cul-de-sac's only source of light is the moon.]
Edd: "It seems the whole cul-de-sac is without light. It's a power outage, Eddy."
Eddy: "What's that?"
[Eddy is pointing to a house across the street. Someone comes out, shining a flashlight around.]
Edd: "Someone taking a proactive approach, I assume." [He climbs out.]
Eddy: "Where you goin? Don't leave me alone!"
Ed: "Seen it!" [He presses a button on his remote.] "Seen it!"
[Eddy grabs the remote and flings it at Ed, hitting his forehead.]
Ed: "Didn't see that."
[ Ed laughs as Eddy pulls him outside.]


[Nazz is in her nightclothes, shining a flashlight around the darkened cul-de-sac.]
Edd: "Good evening, Nazz."
Nazz: "Like, what's so good about it? There's no electricity, Double D."
Edd: "Nothing to fear, just the result of a sudden power surge, I suspect."
[Ed shoves Eddy into Edd and falls on them.]
Eddy: "Ed, you idiot!"
Ed: "Workin on it, Eddy!" [He looks at a comic Eddy's stashed away.] "Oh, brain food."
Rolf: "Is this a joke?" [The kids begin to gather.]
Kevin: "Yeah, 'cause I ain't laughing."
Jimmy: "The dark scares me, Sarah!"
Sarah: "I'm scared too, Jimmy!"
Eddy: "Uh, so whose house we all sleeping at?"
Edd: "People, please!" [Nazz shines the light on him.] "Stay calm! There's nothing to fear. Our ritual–" [The light moves away. Edd moves into it again.] "–blackouts and–" [It moves again, due to Nazz adjusting her hair. Edd has to climb a lamppost] "–as they're more commonly known, are often temporary!"
Ed: [looking up from the comic] "Blackout?"
Eddy: "Okay. So, how about we all hold hands and whistle a song?"
Ed: [horrified] "Gang-ho!" [He grabs the flashlight and shines it on his face.] "This is the work of the Cannibal Underground Mole Mutants! They have sucked the surface world of its power!" [He checks the comic.] "And now will hunt us down for Sunday supper."
Edd: "Enchanting, Ed, but do you really believe underground mole mutants are responsible for this?"
Jimmy: "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
[The kids, except Rolf and Kevin, run around in a panic.]
Rolf: [to Kevin] "We must use the doohickey of the whatchamacallit that creates light and entertainment."
Kevin: "You mean like, a generator?"
Rolf: "Is this a test?"
[The panicking kids run into the Eds.]
Nazz: [worried] "Hey, where'd Kevin and Rolf go?"
Sarah: "They were here a second ago."
Ed: [shining the light on his face] "Freeze-dried and mechanically de-boned, they always capture the strongest first."
Jimmy: [whimpering] "I'm scared."
Ed: "Rolf and Kevin were mere appetizers!"
Jimmy: "But I'm so petite! They'd eat me last! I'd be their raspberry swirl parfait!"
Ed: "It says, overripe bananas and day-old hot dog buns will make them go back from whence they came."
Eddy: "All this stuff's gold, Double D!"
Edd: "Gold? Don't tell me you would think of fanning these flames of paranoid fear, Eddy!"
Eddy: "Okay, I won't."
[Eddy runs off somewhere.]


[Rolf is forcing Kevin to drag the generator.]
Rolf: "Come, Kevin. We must power the do-jigger of energy in the well." [Rolf points to a manhole.] "So as not to disturb Nana."
Kevin: [sarcastic] "Right."
[They look at the manhole silently.]
Kevin: "What?"
Rolf: "The lid! Pry open the lid! Must I do everything?"
Kevin: "Aw, man..." [He crouches.]
Rolf: "Get a stick, nincompoop!"
Kevin: "This field worker thing's got you tied in a knot."


[Eddy wheels a wagon full of hot dog buns and bananas to the center of the cul-de-sac.]
Eddy: "Step right up and get your mole mutant repellant!"
Edd: "Eddy, please! Refrain! Desist!"
Eddy: "One-stop shopping for all your cannibalistic mole mutant needs!"
Jimmy: "I'll take some of that!"
Jonny: "Stale hot dog buns for me!"
Nazz: "Over here, Eddy!"
[Eddy's pile shrinks as his jar fills with quarters.]


Kevin: "Found one!"
[Kevin has found Plank. He lodges it under the manhole and strains. Rolf takes over.]
Rolf: "Make haste, Kevin!" [He opens the manhole easily, though doesn't notice Plank fall in.] "As Rolf does not wish to miss the Oiling of the Eel competition in the pageant!"
Kevin: "You're kidding, right?"
[They hoist the generator.]
Rolf: "Use your muscles! Watch your back! Don't drop it! Too late!" [They fall into the hole.]
Jonny: "Holy Toledo! Plank's gone!"
Ed: "They have taken Plank for fiber, to help with their irregularity!" [He gazes into the sewers.] "A portal! They have dragged their victims into their lair to be–de-skulled."
[Ed point the flashlight into his ear, showing his skull, made out of buttered toast, causing the kids to scream and head for their houses.]
Edd: "All right, I've had quite enough of this nonsense! Mole mutants indeed. I see it's up to me to prove once and for all–" [Eddy is not listening, choosing to stare at his stash.] "–um, Eddy?"
Eddy: "Don't bug me." [He resumes his joyous stare.]
Edd: "That there are no mole mutants, cannibalistic or otherwise."
[Edd puts on a protective bodysuit and enters the sewers. The kids creep to the edge and look down. Suddenly, Plank appears. The kids scream and run away, but Jonny comes back.]
Jonny: "Plank?"
Edd: "I believe this belongs to you?" [Edd is using an extendable hand.]
Jonny: "And to think you almost became mole laxative! Wooh!"
Ed: [busting through the ground above] "Stop, Double D! They will dine on you with fast food utensils!"
Edd: [waving his finger] "Ed, hush."
Ed: [with the chunk of ground around his neck] "Double D's mad."
[Edd winds up the hand and enters the sewers. He hears the conversation of Rolf and Kevin and follows it. Suddenly, the sidewalk breaks, and he falls into the sewers.]
Edd: "Yuck! I'm covered in filth! It's so disgusting!" [We see the kids are listening at the hole.] "Help!"
Ed: "They've got Double D!"
[All the kids except Jonny panic.]
Plank:
Jonny: "What's that buddy?"
Plank:
Jonny: "What plan?"
Plank:
Jonny: "Okay, I'll tell em. Hey! Everybody! Plank's got a brainstorm!"
[Ed casts the flashlight on Plank.]
Jonny: "Give it to 'em straight, buddy."


[Kevin is dragging the generator through the sewers. Rolf sits on top of it. One of Edd's calls is heard.]
Kevin: "What was that?"
Rolf: "Only Rolf listens, yes?" [He puts blinders on Kevin and listens.] "Hello?"
Edd: "Hurry please assistance!"
Rolf: "TURN AROUND, KEVIN! Make like the wind! A damsel in need requests Rolf's service!"
Edd: "Good lord, it's seeping into my shoes!"


[Telephone lines have been strung up between four houses: Jimmy's, Ed's, Nazz's, and Jonny's.]
Jonny: "Everybody in position?"
Nazz: [in her bathroom] "I guess so."
Sarah: [by her toilet] "Ready!"
Ed: [next to a toaster] "Death to the mole mutants!"
Jimmy: [also in position] "I hope that hunk of wood knows what it's doing!"
Jonny: "Plank says on the count of three we all flush! Flush like you've never flushed before! One! Two! Three!" [The kids are poised.] "FLUSH!!!"


[Rolf is pinning Edd up from pipes.]
Edd: [grateful] "Thank you, thank you Rolf. Curse Ed's overactive imagination. Honestly, he had everyone convinced that mole mutants swarmed–"
Rolf: "Kevin boy! No! Ay Yi Yi!" [Kevin is powering the generator. Rolf looks at it.] "We cannot power Rolf's picture box at baby! We must have good enough!"
Kevin: "Gotcha." [He pours on the steam as Rolf puts in a plug. Suddenly, the ground begins to rumble.]
[A huge wave, created by the simultaneous flush, rounds the corner and heads for them.]
Kevin: "Dude."
Rolf: "Duck."
Kevin: "You mean dude, man."
Rolf: "NO, Rolf means–"
[The wave slams into them.]


[On the surface world, manholes are beginning to shake.]
Jonny: "It's working, Plank!"
[Geysers of water erupt from the earth.]
Ed: "Yeah!" [Eddy is blown up by one in the process. Ed tries to catch Eddy as he falls.] "I gotcha, Eddy!"
[Ed misses Eddy completely. In another spot, Rolf and Kevin fall to earth, Kevin hitting the ground first.]
Rolf: "Wait." [He moves Kevin above him.] "Rolf falls first!"
[The kids gather around Kevin and Rolf, happy.]
Kevin: "All right, who's the wiseguy?"
Jonny: "It was Plank's idea! He saved the cul-de-sac from the mole mutants! Ha! He's a hero!"
[A streetlight comes on, spotlighting the gathering. The kids cheer. The rest of the street's power returns.]
Nazz: "Curling tongs, here I come!"
Jonny: "Hero, hero, Plank's a hero!"
Jimmy: "Now I can finish my Potpourri, Sarah!
Kevin: "What say we chill over that field worker pageant thing, huh Rolf?"
Rolf: "Rolf pushes."
[Ed stands in the middle of the light. He is staring at a familiar black hat. He drags Eddy over.]
Ed: "Eddy, look! Double D is double done for."
Eddy: "But it's the end of the show, Ed."
Ed: "I know, Eddy."
Eddy: [mournfully] "I just can't believe it." [happy] "I STILL GOT CASH MONEY, BOYS! FOR ONCE IN MY STINKING LIFE, I'M IN THE BLACK! Cha-ching!"
[A figure growls and rises from the sewers. It walks towards the Eds.]
Ed: "MOLE MUTANT!"
[Ed grabs Eddy's jar and heaves it at the figure. It smacks the shadow dead on and sends it stumbling back into the sewers. The creature, Eddy's money, and Eddy's jar fall into the murky waste below the manhole.]
Eddy: "Ed!"
Ed: "Run away! It will eat us!"


[Ed drags Eddy into his room and begins to block it off.]
Eddy: "Let me out of here!"
Ed: "But breakfast, Eddy!"
Eddy: "Let me out or else!"
Ed: "Can't do that, Eddy! Not while one mole mutant walks this earth, drooling for its next victim!"
[Growls come from the bathroom, and Ed's toilet lid flaps.]
Ed: "It's found us, Eddy!"
[Ed drags Eddy into a corner and clutches him. The creature exits the bathroom.]
Ed and Eddy: "Mole mutant!"
[The mole mutant sneezes, and some filth flies off. The mutant is none other than Edd.]
Edd: "Bless me."
Eddy: "It's just Sockhead, stupid."
Ed: "DOUBLE D!" [He grabs him in a bear hug.] "Upchucked and okay! We are as one once again."
Edd: "My hat, thank you." [He grabs it from Ed.] "I'm going home now. I have a strict decontamination regimen to implement."
Eddy: "Oh no you're not! We're going back into that sewer to get my cash, got it?"
Ed: "Not so fast, buckos!" [reading the comic] "It may be days before it is safe to go...um...outside, as we will be the last humans on earth, living on grubs and stale marshmallows."
Eddy: "Gimme that stupid thing!"
Ed: "RUN AWAY!"
Eddy: "Oh, you better run!"
Edd: "Oh, for Pete's sake." [He lets himself out.]
Ed: "But Eddy, it's a collector's issue!"
Eddy: "Yeah? Well collect this!"
[Edd reaches back in and turns off the lights. the colors goes negative.]
Eddy: "Hey! Who turned out the light?"

Season 5 Scripts
"Mission Ed-Possible" • "Every Which Way But Ed" • "Boom Boom Out Goes the Ed" • "Cleanliness Is Next to Edness" • "Out with the Old… In with the Ed" • "I Am Curious Ed" • "No Speak Da Ed" • "Cool Hand Ed" • "Too Smart for His Own Ed" • "Who's Minding the Ed" • "Pick an Ed" • "Truth or Ed" • "This Won't Hurt an Ed" • "Tinker Ed" • "The Good, The Bad and The Ed" • "Tight End Ed" • "'Tween a Rock and an Ed Place" • "All Eds Are Off" • "Smile for the Ed" • "Run Ed Run" • "A Town Called Ed" • "A Fistful of Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide

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