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Script


[We are looking at a field of dandelions. Slowly, a cactus rises up out of them. We then see that the cactus is balanced on Ed's head. Ed looks across the field, and the camera follows his line of sight. In the middle of the dandelion field is an old, creepy house. Ed grabs some dandelions and runs away.]
Ed: "I found some grass, Eddy!"
Eddy: [grating something carrotlike] "Whoop-de-do, Ed." [He tosses the carrot away, where it lands next to a bunch of crayons.] "Cheese, grated and waiting! Ready to roll, Double D?" [Eddy is apparently grating crayons to make fake cheese.]
Edd: [folding a paper plate] "Don't rush me, Eddy." [sarcastic] "There's an art to folding tacos from paper plates."
Ed: "¡Olé!" [He places the dandelions in the freshly-folded plate.]
Edd: "Everyone's a critic."
Eddy: "Art, schmart. Everyone will buy our tacos! It's a cinch!" [We get a view of the full tack stand. It is called "Taco Ed's Mexican Kwseen."]
Edd: "Grass, paper plates, and crayon for cheese a taco does not make, Eddy."
Ed: "Cheddar!" [He begins guzzling the fake cheese.]
Edd: "For goodness sake, Ed! Did that really taste like cheese?"
Ed: "It's orange like cheese."
Edd: "Really. So if what you're saying is true,–" [he picks out a blue crayon] "–this blue crayon must be a blueberry pie."
[Ed eats the crayon in one bite.]
Ed: "Tart yet crusty."
Eddy: "You guys quit fooling around!" [pulling out a giant bottle] "I've still got to add my brother's secret–"
Edd: "Banana." [He holds up a yellow crayon.] "Yellow is for banana. You are a banana!" [He takes a bite and almost immediately spits it out.] "Water! Water! Don't just stand there!" [He grabs the bottle of hot sauce and chug-a-lugs.]
Eddy: "But–" [Edd finishes chugging the sauce, and Eddy grabs the bottle back before pouring it on the fake tacos.] "That's the first time I've seen someone guzzle my brother's Armenian secret hot sauce!"
Edd: "It certainly rid me of that horrible non-toxic waxy aftertaste."
Ed: [eating a taco drenched in sauce] "My mom says not to pick my belly button."
Eddy: "I don't believe it. It's not working! This sauce is supposed to be a real gut-burner!" [He takes a lick.]
[Eddy looks over at Edd. Edd turns red and steam billows from his ears and hat. Eddy then looks over to Ed, whose head now resembles a burnt out match.]
Ed: "Hi Eddy!"
[We now see Eddy's reaction. He, like Edd, has turned red. However, his three hairs now resemble three fuses, burning down to his head. The stand explodes in flames.]


[The Eds each glom down on a sprinkler. The sprinkler slams the boys back and forth repeatedly as it washes their mouths free of the spicy aftertaste. Suddenly, a cry is heard.]
Jimmy: "Aiieee!"
Edd: "Oh dear. A shriek of terror!"
Ed: "Dad's home!"


[The kids are gathered around the dandelion house. Jimmy is slumped; it seems he has fainted and is just coming to.]
Kevin: "What's up with Fluffy?"
Jimmy: [pointing at an open window] "There! In the window! A dark figure cast a shadow! It cries in torment with a hideous hairdo! Hold me!" [Jimmy hugs Sarah for comfort.]
Sarah: "Are you sure, Jimmy?"
Ed: "Stand back!" [He grabs the duo.] "Protect yourselves!" [Ed stuffs them under his shirt.] "Who knows what evil lurks behind the hallowed halls, in the house of the haunted." [Jimmy screams.]
Jonny: "It's the house of the mad logger who chopped down trees and hacked them into coffee tables!" [Jimmy screams.]
Rolf: "Wait! This house is owned by the provoked opera singer, who lures the boys and girls with her enchanted aria!"
[Jimmy screams, but no one hears him, as the empty jar of hot sauce has been placed over his head by Eddy.]
Eddy: "Grow up. It's just an empty house. Geez."
Kevin: "Go check it out then. I dare ya."
Eddy: "Yeah, well, maybe some other time. Ed needs me to change the newspaper under his bed."
Ed: "Changed it this morning, Eddy!" [Edd looks at Ed, perturbed.]
Kevin: "I'll give you a jawbreaker, if you go inside the house." [Eddy looks at the sparkling candy and grins.]
Eddy: [grabbing his friends] "What are we waiting for?" [He pushes them towards the house.]
Edd: [scared] "Eddy, don't you see through Kevin's attempt to make us go into that filthy house?"
Ed: "Dandelions."
Eddy: "All we have to do is stick our foot in the door, and bingo! Jawbreaker for Eddy."
[Ed sneezes, and the dandelions all disappear. The Eds approach the front door.]
Eddy: "Get any on ya, Ed?" [He peers through a window.]
Edd: "Do you see anything, Eddy?"
Eddy: "Yeah. Dark. Lots and lots of dark."
[Ed sneezes, and the resulting rebound force sends him and his friends crashing through the front door.]
Ed: "Dandelions, Eddy."
Eddy: [looking around] "Huh?"
Edd: [crushed between Ed and Eddy] "Ed, could you please get off my face?"
Eddy: "This house isn't haunted! It's a dump!"
Ed: [getting up] "This house looks like the house from I Was A Cotton Swab In Madame Tongue-Itch's Earwax Museum: The Mini-Series!"
Eddy: [in a spooky voice from behind a row of candles] "Double D! Let me poke your brain!" [He laughs evilly, and Edd faints.]
Ed: "You scared Double D, Eddy."
Eddy: "I did, didn't I! C'mon, I got an idea."


Nazz: [worried] "D'you think they're okay?" [Sudden crashing is heard.]
Eddy: "Help! Ghosts! Help! No!"
Kevin: "Whoa."
Eddy: "Keep it away from me! Oh no! Aah!"
Jimmy: "Oh, the inhumanity!" [He faints.]
Rolf: "Pain-in-the-neck Ed-boys are goners!"
[We get to see inside the house, where Eddy and Ed are hammering the walls and making noises.]
Sarah: "Someone help my idiot brother!" [Ed is in the window, being strangled.]
Kevin: "I take back everything I said about the twerps!"
[Ed moves closer to the center, and we see that he was actually choking himself.]
Kevin: "Huh?"
Jonny: "Of all the lousy tricks!"
Eddy: [going to the door] "That's enough torture. Let's let 'em off easily and collect our jawbr–Ow! What the?" [He sees a spider on the doorknob.] "Hit the road." [He flicks the bug off, and the doorknob comes loose, hitting the floor and rolling into a hole.]
Edd: [distraught] "Tell me that didn't happen!"
Ed: "It didn't happen."
Eddy: "Nothing that a little Eddy magic wouldn't fix."
[Eddy goes over to the door and messes with the doorknob on the other side. That knob falls off, and Eddy's finger ends up stuck in the hole.]
Eddy: "My finger's stuck, guys!"
Ed: "Ah, good trick, Eddy. My turn!" [He deepens his voice.] "I am the cotton swab. Release the wax, ear person!"
Edd: "You're scaring me more than usual, Ed! PLEASE PULL EDDY LOOSE SO WE CAN LEAVE!"
Eddy: "Careful, Ed. I bruise like a banana."
Ed: "Tally-ho!" [He pulls back on Eddy, stretching him out.]
Eddy: "Harder, Ed!"
[Ed steps on a loose board. It gives way, and the other end hits a music box on a table, triggering it.]
Eddy: "What's that?"
Ed: [in amazement] "It's the Phantom of the Earwax."
Edd: "Phantom?" [hysterical] "That's it, let me out, let me–" [Eddy's arm comes loose] "–out?"
[The potential energy is abruptly transformed to kinetic energy. In other words, Eddy's arm comes back with enough force to knock him, Ed, and Edd back a long way. They slam into a door and hurtle into a basement, screaming all the way.]
Kevin: [eating the jawbreaker] "Quit milking it, polter-dorks!"
Rolf: "Your bamboozle has soured like Nano's denture water!"
Kevin: "Bamboozle?" [He laughs.] "Haven't heard that one!"
[The kids all leave. The Eds continue down the stairs. The door continues its ride until it runs into a wall. The Eds end up in front of a mirror.]


Eddy: "Oh, my aching head!" [In the mirror, his head is oddly shaped.]
Edd: [rising to his feet] "That was quite an experience." [His head looks odd as well.] "Is it me, or do our heads look like yams?"
Ed: [standing in front of a mirror, which shows his butt as incredibly large] "Big butt, so what."
Edd: [realizing] "It's a mirror! A room full of mirrors!"
Eddy: "Sweet!"
Edd: "Yams. What was I thinking?" [He spots a book.] "Look at that! A poor, defenseless book, abandoned and tossed aside, like some cheap comic! Who would do–" [He spots another on a flight of stairs.] "Interesting. There seem to be–Ooh! Another one!" [He follows a trail up the stairs.]
Eddy: [the mirror showing his chest as large and muscled] "Check this out, guys. Take a load off your eyes."
[Behind Ed, a dumbwaiter comes into place, a box of Chunky Puffs inside it. Ed turns to look.]
Ed: "Chunky Puffs! Yum yum yum!"
[Ed dives into the dumbwaiter and begins eating. The dumbwaiter goes up again almost immediately after he gets in.]
Eddy: "Ed? Double D? Where the heck are they?" [He scratches his head and notices that the doorknob holder is still stuck to his finger.] "I hate you! Dumb holder thing!" [He strains to get it off his finger.]


Edd: [coming to the top of the stairs] "Can someone so well-read be so illiterate? Oh, another one!"
[Edd gasps. He has entered a very-well stocked library.]
Edd: "Rapture."


[Eddy is still in the basement. Suddenly, the floor moves beneath his feet.]
Eddy: "Hey, where's the room going? Where am I going?" [The rug sucks him into the base of the stairs by which they entered.] "HELP! The staircase is eating me!"


Edd: "Books upon shelves upon walls of literature!" [He spots a book put in sideways.] "Bohemian! Someone's really trying my patience."
[Edd runs off and returns with a mobile ladder. He climbs the ladder and sets the book right.]
Edd: "Perfectly shelved."
[Edd climbs down the ladder. As he does so, a trapdoor opens, revealing more ladder rungs.]
Edd: "Now, where was I?"
[Edd continues to climb down, and the trapdoor shuts above him.]


[Eddy spots a piggy bank at the top of the stairs.]
Eddy: "Hello." [filled with greed] "Piggy bank! Money! Come to Papa!"


Edd: [still lowering himself, unaware that he's left the library] "Professor Double D, Book Archivist. I like the timbre of that."


Eddy: [stretching his body up the stairs] "Eddy. Filthy rich jawbreaker tycoon. Oh yeah."
[Eddy grabs the pig, which is on a lever.]
Eddy: "Bingo."
[Eddy pulls the lever forwards, and the bottom stair lifts up, releasing him. He goes flying forward.]
Eddy: [trying to reach inside] "Okay, cough up the dough, you little porker." [to his doorpiece] "For crying out loud!"
[Eddy hits a wall and falls, headfirst, into a barrel. His feet are all that stick out. The barrel then moves next to a trashcan. A trapdoor opens over the can, and a ladder is stuck out.]
Edd: [obliviously climbing down] "Nobel Prize winner Double D. Nice."
[Edd falls into the trashcan. When he rights himself, the first thing Edd sees are Eddy's shoes.]
Edd: "NYAHH!"
Eddy: [popping up] "What?"
Ed: [behind the two] "Tsk, tsk. Do you know how long I have been waiting?"
[A model train located under the containers blows its horn and starts to carry them away.]
Eddy: "Now what?"
Edd: "I'm not sure I'm the right height for this ride."
Ed: "Choo choo!"


[The Eds enter a dark room.]
Ed: "Creepy."
Edd: "Enterprising."
[The Eds go on a roller coaster ride, certain parts lit by spotlights.]
[The Eds burst through a heart. All of them are naked.]
Eddy: [his barrel now with a suit painted on it] "Where'd this come from?"
Edd: [his barrel with a muscleman's torso painted on it] "MY CLOTHES! THEY'RE GONE! I'M NAKED!"
Ed: [a sailor suit on his barrel] "Barnacle."
[The train turns right, and takes them on a track surrounded by neon hearts.]
Edd: [going insane] "It's a nightmare, I tell you."
Eddy: "Is it Valentine's Day?"
Ed: "Gross."
[The train comes upon a doll of Eddy, ironing a sock.]
Eddy: "Is that me?" [He ducks under the display.] "Ironing clothes?" [Edd ducks under it as well, but Ed smashes it.]
[The Eds come upon a doll of Edd, washing dishes.]
Edd: "Oh, my! Look at the soap film on those dishes!"
[The last doll to appear is one of Ed, watching TV.]
Ed: "Who's that good-looking guy?"
Eddy: "Get some glasses, Ed."
[The train takes a downhill turn.]
Eddy: "Whoa!"
Edd: "Augh!"
Ed: "Gravy!"
[The train rams into a box that appears to be a giant version of the music box encountered earlier.]
Ed: "Is the ride over?"
[Three figures wearing veils emerge from the box's depths.]
Edd: "Oh dear. I fear it's just begun."
[The figures lift their veils to reveal that they are the Kankers.]
The Kankers: "Here come the brides!"
Eddy: "Kankers? Brides?" [He ducks down in his barrel.]
Edd: "The Kankers tricked us. It's a wedding, Eddy!" [He hides in his trashcan as well.]
Ed: "But I can't dance, Eddy!" [His canister tips over.]
May: [taking some dandelions from him] "Flowers for your bride? How sweet."
Lee: [performing the ceremony] "Pick up your grooms and spit out your gum." [Her sisters do as instructed.] "We are gathered here today to join in marriage the Kankers and the Eds! They promise to love, honor, and obey, or we pound them."
Marie: "Blah, blah, blah, quit showing off, Lee! May, get the rings."
Eddy: "Rings?"
May: "Whatchu got, a piano tied to your leg?" [She pops the tab on a can of soda.]
Ed: "Soda."
May: "Hold still, Mr. May. With this ring I do thee wed." [She places the tab on his finger.]
Ed: "Doody?"
Marie: "Where'd my pumpkin go? There you are!" [spotting the cowering Edd] "Wait'll you see what I cooked you for supper!"
Edd: [a nut on his finger] "Breathtaking."
Eddy: "Hah! No ring for me."
Lee: "Don't play dumb." [She holds up his doorpiece-clad hand.] "You had your ring all along."
Eddy: "Man, they're good."
Lee: "I now pronounce us husband and wives!"
Ed: "Do you think there will be a reception?"


[The Eds are dragging a wagon carrying the Kankers. Trashcans are tied to the back.]
Eddy: [barely keeping up with Ed] "Slow down, Ed!"
May: "Woo hoo! We flashed us some man!"
Jimmy: [running towards the commotion] "I hear wedding bells! C'mon, everybody!"
Jonny: "Plank, look!"
Nazz: "Cool, where?"
Kevin: [watching the procession arrive] "Check it out, it's the Dorkbusters! Hate to see their kids."
Jonny: "Would you look at that."
Jimmy: "So romantic."
Rolf: [mockingly] "Save me some cake, Ed-boys."
Jimmy: [throwing rice] "Good luck rice for the newlyweds! Whee!"
May: "They're throwing stuff at us!"
Lee: "Hit 'em with these." [She hands May the dandelions.]
Jimmy: "The bouquet! It's all mine!" [The flowers hit him in the face.]
Sarah: "Jimmy! Are you all right?" [She helps her friend to his feet.]
Jimmy: "Isn't love a many-splendored thing, Sarah?"
[The Kankers ride off into the sunset, the iris-in closing on the wagon's rear bumper sticker "Just Maryd".]

Season 2 Scripts
"Know it All Ed" • "Dear Ed" • "Knock Knock Who's Ed?" • "One + One = Ed" • "Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Ed" • "Ready, Set... Ed!" • "Hands Across Ed" • "Floss Your Ed" • "In Like Ed" • "Who Let the Ed In?" • "Home Cooked Eds" • "Rambling Ed" • "To Sir with Ed" • "Key to My Ed" • "Urban Ed" • "Stop, Look and Ed" • "Honor Thy Ed" • "Scrambled Ed" • "Rent-a-Ed" • "Shoo Ed" • "Ed in a Halfshell" • "Mirror, Mirror, on the Ed" • "Hot Buttered Ed" • "High Heeled Ed" • "Fa-La-La-La-Ed" • "Cry Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide

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