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Script


[Jujubes are poured into a box. Rolf reaches in and plucks one out. He puts it into his mouth and chews on it happily. Another one follows it, and Jimmy comes up behind him.]
Jimmy: "Brother Rolf, are you trying to weasel out of your friendship duties?"
[Rolf, mouth full, signals his innocence to Jimmy and begins making papier-mache.]
Jimmy: "Silly me. I was just pulling your leg, silly!" [He takes a newly dipped sheet of newspaper.] "Thank you. Friendship is all about friends working together. Isn't that right, Brother Jonny?"
Jonny: [taking the paper from Jimmy] "You bet your sweet patootie, Brother Jimmy!"
[Jonny sticks the sheet on a gigantic red heart.]
Sarah: [painting] "This papier-mache heart was a great idea, Brother Jimmy!"
Jimmy: "Sister Sarah?"
Sarah: "Yes, Brother Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "Gotcha!" [He tweaks Sarah's nose with a glue covered finger. The kids giggle happily.]
Sarah: "You little rascal, you."
[Everyone joins in on the laughter this time; it is a laugh not of meanness, but of joy, contentment, and friendship.]
Jonny: [hugging Plank] "I love you too, buddy."
Nazz: [approaching the heart] "Hey! That's so cool, guys!"
Jimmy: "Oh, oh hi Nazz! Hi Kevin! Join us, won't you? It's Friendship Day!"
Nazz: "Aw, that's so cute, Jimmy!" [They embrace.]
Kevin: "What a bore."
Jonny: "Whoopee! All done, Brother Jimmy!"
Jimmy: "Hah?"
Sarah: "Hurry, come see! It's beautiful."
Nazz: "Isn't it adorable, Kevin?"
Kevin: "What am I doing here?" [He sees Rolf holding hands with Jimmy.] "Rolf! Not you, too!"
Jimmy: "Let's hold hands, Brother Kevin, and sing an ode of joy to friendship."
[The kids join hands, forming a semicircle around the heart.]
Sarah: "Hit it, Brother Jimmy."
Jimmy:

When you stub your toe
And it hurts you know

The Kids:

Friends are there to help you
When you trip on your face
And your teeth are misplaced
Friends are there to help you
When you're flying low
And you're giving a show
Friends are there to help you
When you take off your shoe
And your feet stink PEE-YEW!
Friends are there to help you.

[As the verse closes, a smile spreads across Kevin's face.]
Jimmy: "Second verse, same as the first!"
The Kids:

When you stub your toe
And it hurts you know
Friends are there to help you
When you trip on your face
And your teeth are misplaced
Friends are there to help you
When you're flying low
And you're giving a show
Friends are there to help you
When you take off your shoe
And your feet stink PEE-YEW!
Friends are there to help you.

[As the song comes to a close, the Eds enter, and Jonny bumps into Edd.]
Jonny: "Get with the groove, Double D."
Eddy: "Jujubes! Don't mind if I do." [He steals one from Rolf.]
Ed: "Look at the size of the whatever-that-thing-is!"
Kevin: "It's about time the dorks showed up."
Eddy: [laughing] "Is that a heart? You gotta be kidding me. It's so delicate."
Ed: "And red!"
Edd: "I think it's a lovely addition to our cul-de-sac."
Jimmy: "Isn't it precious?" [turning to Eddy] "C'mon, Eddy! Quit being such a Mr. Grumpypants! It's Friendship Day! Just reach out and touch somebody!"
Eddy: "Whatever you say, friend."
[Eddy reaches into Jimmy's pants and hikes up Jimmy's undies, pulling them over his head in a giant wedgie.]
Jimmy: "I've been wedgied!" [All the kids except Sarah laugh. Jimmy looks around the circle of mean faces and falls to the ground in tears.]
Sarah: "That's it, Ed! I'm telling Mom!"
Ed: "Uh oh." [He pushes his friends away from the gathering.]
Eddy: "Aw, lighten up. It was a joke."
Nazz: "Hey guys, wasn't there a paintbrush here a second ago?"
Sarah: "Huh? I bet Ed took it!"
Edd: [walking away] "Have I ever mentioned you have impeccable timing, Eddy?" [Sarah grabs Ed.]
Ed: "Here we go!"
Sarah: "You stole my paintbrush, Ed! Give it back!"
Ed: "Paintbrush?" [Sarah trips over Eddy's outstretched leg.]
Eddy: "Ed didn't take your stupid paintbrush, Sherlock."
Kevin: [watching] "Things are picking up."
Jonny: "Boy, Plank, why would Ed want to steal a paintbrush?" [He receives no response and looks down at Plank.] "HOLY COW!" [Plank's mouth is missing.] "Somebody wiped off Plank's mouth!"
Sarah: "What?"
Kevin: "No way." [The kids, including Edd, gather around Plank.]
Jonny: "Of all the rotten luck, huh buddy?"
Edd: "Oh dear. Um, perhaps it's been absorbed by Plank's permeable fibrous composition?"
Jonny: [in tears] "Get me a crayon, for crying out loud!"
Nazz: "What's that rag in your pocket, Double D?"
[Nazz is pointing at a blue-stained rag sticking out of Edd's back pocket.]
Edd: [shocked] "Rag?"
Nazz: "Is that Plank's mouth stain?"
Jonny: [brokenhearted] "Double D? How could you?"
Edd: [seeing the unsympathetic faces of the kids] "Oh, come on, people! Why would I want to erase Plank's mouth? This isn't my rag!"
Jimmy: "Heavens to betsy! Look!"
[A hockey stick has been thrown straight through the heart.]
Jimmy: "See?"
Sarah: "For crying out loud." [The kids murmur, shocked. Kevin pulls the stick out and stares at Eddy.]
Kevin: "Something reeks around here." [He plucks the hockey stick from the heart.]
Eddy: [noticing the kids are staring at him] "What?"
Kevin: "What's your name doing on this stick, Eddy?" [Eddy's name is written on the stick.]
Eddy: "My name? Hey, don't look at me! You're the jock boy. I say you did it!"
Edd: "I really must protest. Your accusations are purely based on conjecture. Why we would never–"
Jonny: "Zip it, mouth-wiper-offer!"
Sarah: "Yeah, like we're gonna believe paintbrush stealers!"
Nazz: "Or hockey stick throwers! You guys should be ashamed of yourselves, blaming Kevin! That's so immature, dudes!" [The kids walk away.]
Jimmy: "Hooligans!"
Jonny: "Yeah, what he said."
Kevin: "What can I tell ya? Thanks for dorking up an otherwise dull day."
[Rolf laughs sinisterly as he walks away from the Eds.]
Eddy: "We're innocent, I tell ya! You guys gotta trust us! How're we supposed to rip you off if you don't trust us?" [Ed hugs the damaged heart.]
Edd: "Well, this is a fine kettle of fish! What could a stained rag be doing in my back pocket?"
Eddy: "It sure wasn't pickling daisies! Quit being such a pigeon, Double D! They tried to set us up!"
[Ed notices a large red footprint on the sidewalk.]
Edd: "I'm not ready to accept that, Eddy. At least not without establishing a motive as to why someone would want to implicate Ed, you, and I with such contemptible wrongdoings. Now, let's see." [He pulls out a list of suspects: Jimmy, Sarah, Jonny, Nazz, and Kevin.] "Well, it couldn't have been Jimmy."
Eddy: "I wouldn't put money on that. Everyone's jealous of our talents, charm, and good looks. And Jimmy's one of them."
Edd: "Well, Sarah wouldn't have the patience to–"
Eddy: "Sarah hates us!"
Edd: "Okay, then there's Jonny–"
Eddy: "He secretly hates us."
Edd: "Nazz?"
Eddy: "Well, she hates you."
Edd: "Thank you for reinforcing that phobia, Eddy. Well, last but not least there's Kevin, and...he hates us."
Ed: "I know who did it!"
Eddy: "What are you talking about, Ed?" [He walks over to Ed.]
Ed: [pointing to the footprint] "The offender stood here, as they pilfered the paintbrush, directly behind Jonny, where the offender rubbed out Plank's mouth, thus having the perfect standpoint at which to chuck the said hockey stick."
Edd: [impressed] "Why, Ed, that was very good!"
Eddy: "Hold that thought." [cynical] "So tell us, Ed. Who did it?"
Ed: "Simple, my fine friends. It was a foot."
[Edd and Eddy stand there, cowed by Ed's combination of genius and utter stupidity.]
Eddy: "Hard to believe he can dress himself, ain't it?"
Edd: "But, Eddy, Ed found a footprint obviously left by the perpetrator of these false allegations."
Eddy: "No foolin'?"
Edd: "Bravo, Ed." [He gives Ed a pat on the head.]
Eddy: "We'll just match their feet to it and trap the rat."
Edd: "They'll never agree to this type of verification, Eddy." [meloncholy] "Branded we are, exiled and disgraced! Forevermore!" [The cement block beneath them lifts up.]
Ed: [carrying it] "To the victors, the spoils will smell!"
Eddy: "Let's find our rat, Ed!"
Ed: [catching Edd as he falls off] "Whoops! Gotcha, Double D."


[Kevin walks down the lane. Ed and Edd hide as they truck it beside him. On the other side of a fence, Eddy runs along. He tacks a picture of Nazz in a bikini to the fence. Kevin spots this and stops. He walks towards the photo, and the Eds place the painted footprint right in front of him. Kevin stops just short. Ed solves this problem by lifting Kevin and putting the cement block underneath him. Kevin chooses this moment to walk forward. Eddy angrily pushes the fencepost forward, knocking Kevin over out cold. Ed then matches the footprint to Kevin's right shoe only to find his foot is too small and does not match. Eddy slams his fist on the cement.]


[Sarah is in the living room, playing with her dolls. Eddy grabs one while she isn't looking and tears it in two. He hands the broken pieces to Ed and sends him in. Ed comes flying out seconds later, a bootprint on his butt. Edd measures the print with a ruler and compares it to the red footprint on the concrete, only to find it is also too short. Eddy's eager smile drops from his face when he sees this.]


[Nazz is using the trampoline in her backyard, bouncing merrily away. Underneath, the Eds are desperately trying to put the cement under where she will land. Unfortunately for them, Nazz is always in another spot. Ed, after moving the block on top of Eddy, just grabs her legs with his hands instead of trying to place the cement under them. He then moves her feet onto the print. Edd examines them and shakes his head. Eddy thumps his fist on the concrete in anger. Ed lets go of Nazz, and she shoots upwards into the sky.]


[Rolf is walking down the lane, still eating jujubes. He sees the Eds coming towards him with the slab of cement. The Eds see him and stop. Rolf calmly turns away and walks back down the street. He turns into the lane, and Eddy beckons for his friends to follow him. When he comes to the entrance, however, the lane is empty. Rolf is actually in someone's yard, on the other side of a fence. He watches them. The Eds, confused, move on. Rolf watches them go, eating jujubes all the while and smiling sinisterly.]


[The Eds come to a house. Eddy presses his ear to a garage door, and then points at it. Ed backs up and then charges forward, using the cement block as a battering ram. The door crumples inward and falls, revealing Jimmy, dressed in full hockey attrie and practicing shooting pucks into a net.]
Jimmy: [backing into a closet] "Um, eh, this isn't what it looks like..."
Eddy: "You're that rat! That was your hockey stick!" [He brings Jimmy out.]
Jimmy: "No, I didn't do it, Eddy, honest! It wasn't me!"
Eddy: "Check it out, Double D. He set us up, didn't he, the little–"
Edd: "No match here, Eddy." [Jimmy begins to cry.]
Jimmy: "I hate hockey! My father makes me practice!"
Edd: "Oh dear, Jimmy. I didn't know."
Eddy: "Coulda sworn it was him."
Ed: "Chin up, mister, let Ed dry those–"
[Ed, reaching into his pocket, lets go of the cement slab, which lands on his feet, crushing them. All noise stops.]


[Eddy walks by, carrying Edd's magnifying glass. Ed follows, walking on his hands, his feet bandaged up.]
Ed: "I should have all the feeling back in my feet after this word from our sponsors, Double D!"
Edd: [struggling to carry the concrete] "Curse broadcast commercialism!"


Commercials.

[The Eds walk past the lane. Ed's feet are still bandaged, but he is walking on them now. Edd is carrying the cement. A sudden mumbling noise attracts their attention. Jonny has been tied up and covered in jujubes. Plank, mouth still wiped off, has "Giant Jonny Chew: 50¢" written on him.]
Ed: "Candy!" [He starts to eat the jujubes.]
Eddy: "Careful, Ed! You don't know where that candy's been!" [reading Plank] "Oh look. Giant Jonny Chew, only fifty cents."
Edd: "Why would someone want to cover Jonny–" [He drops the block and sits on it.] "–in assorted jujubes?"
Ed: [mouth full of jujubes] "If it ain't broke, don't fix it, Double D."
Jonny: "Olag olag olag!"
Eddy: [scared] "Um, guys? Look."
[On the back of Plank is another one of the mysterious red footprints.]
Edd: "Oh dear. This can only point to one thing."
Ed: "Rotten teeth?"
Edd: "No, Ed. Well, yes. What I'm trying to say is, whomever did this to Jonny is certainly the same scoundrel who's made everyone believe we're to blame for his or her mischief."
[The kids come to the entrance of the lane and stop. They spot the cement block and look up to see the Eds standing next to the tied up Jonny. Eddy is measuring Jonny's foot against Plank.]
Eddy: "Jonny's foot's too small too. The rat's got clodhoppers for feet!"
Kevin: "Busted."
Sarah: "What'd you do to Jonny?"
Eddy: "Jonny was like this when we found him!" [Rolf peers over the fence.]
Kevin: "Yeah, right. We saw you dorks with our own eyes!"
Edd: "Please, let me explain! We have evidence that proves our innocence!" [Rolf smiles evilly.]
Nazz: "We've had enough of your lies!"
Jimmy: "They made me cry!"
Kevin: "That's it! I'm giving you a lifetime worth of lumps."
[The kids advance towards the Eds.]
Sarah: "Somebody find me a club!"
The Eds: "RUN AWAY!"
Kevin: "Get back here!"
Jimmy: "Make 'em cry, Kevin! Do it!"
Jonny: [following, still tied up, gagged, and blindfolded] "Mmm, mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm, mmm!"
Eddy: "Hurry up, they're gaining! Mommy!"
[Rolf lounges against a tree, perfectly happy with how things are going.]
Sarah: "Get back here!"
Kevin: "Yo, Rolf, how 'bout helping us, man? There's plenty of dork to go around."
[Rolf, mouth full of jujubes, declines.]
Kevin: "Those jujubes'll rot your teeth, dude."


[Ed runs away from the kids.]
Ed: "Guys, wait up!" [Eddy's hands reach out of a bush and grab him by his feet. He pulls Ed in. Edd bounces out and land facefirst in the dirt. The kids run past the bush.]
Nazz: "This way!"
Jonny: "Mmm, mmm mmm mmm."
Kevin: "It's poundin time."
Eddy: "Man, that was close."
Edd: "Huh?" [He finds a jujube stuck in his teeth and pulls it out.] "What's this?" [He stands up.] "Look! A procession of jujubes!"
[A line of jujubes leads away from the Eds.]
Edd: "Eddy, I have a hunch if we follow this trail, it will lead straight to our perpetrator!"
Eddy: "Time to squeal on the heel!"
Ed: [eating the candies off the ground] "Gritzy!"


[A black-gloved hand places jujubes on the ground.]


[The Eds follow the trail. It leads to a log bridge. Eddy and Edd cross easily. Ed, who is eating off the ground, has a tougher time, as his mouth gets wedged around the bridge. His friends don't notice.]
Eddy: "The rat's leading us right to him! What an idiot!"
[Edd and Eddy continue along the path. Suddenly, they stop. The path leads to a deserted cabin.]


Ed: [having finished the log] "Mmm."
Kevin: "Try this way!" [The kids start along the path the Eds took.]
Nazz: "Yeah, let's go that way!"


[Edd and Eddy stand staring nervously at the door. The door clangs open and shut with the wind.]
Eddy: "You go first, Double D."
[They stand there, afraid to go in. A long pause occurs.]
Eddy: [breaking the silence] "Ahh, there's no one in there."
Edd: "I concur, Eddy. Why, no one in their right mind would hide in that shed."
[They turn to go, but Ed runs into them, pushing them into the shed.]
Ed: "Kids mean! Sarah hurt!" [The Eds land beneath a small window, which provides the only light.] "I fell."
Kevin: "Hey, check it out! I bet they're in that shed!" [He looks in.]
Eddy: "Moo moo. Moo, moo moo?" [The Eds have arranged themselves into a cow.]
Ed: "Quack!"
Kevin: "No sign of the twerps. Just a cow, I think." [He walks away and the Eds go back to normal.]
Eddy: "Quack? What cow goes quack?"
Edd: "Well, Eddy, there have been cases of domestic bovine whose grunt could be misconstrued as somewhat of a quack."
[Ed grabs Edd and turns his head forward. The Eds, cowed, look straight ahead. In front of them is the shadowy form of Rolf.]
Eddy: [getting squeezed by Ed] "Oh, cheese!"
Edd:
"Look! It's the perpetrator!"
Eddy: "Who is it? I can't see!"
Ed: [dropping Eddy] "Hiya, Rolf!"
Edd: "Rolf?"
Eddy: [standing up] "Rolf? Why you backstabbing, two-timing–what's the big idea, setting us up?"
[Rolf's form splits apart into three very familiar figures: The Kanker Sisters. Lee turns on a lightbulb.]
Marie: "Sweet nothings'll get you everywhere!"
The Eds: "KANKERS!"
Eddy: "I should've known."
Marie: "Better late then never, I always say."
The Eds: "RUN AWAY!!!" [They throw open the door to find the kids still linger.]
Kevin: "Hey, there they are! Let's tear 'em apart."
The Eds: "KIDS!" [They slam the door and face their other foe.] "KANKERS!"
Kevin: [pounding on the door] "Come out here and take it like a dork!"
Lee: "Looks like we've got you wanted men. Bail is set at... two hundred kisses!"
Eddy: "Whatdowedowhatdowedo?" [The door heaves again, pushing them forward.]
Sarah: "I've got 'em! I've got 'em!"
Edd: "We're caught in a vortex of impending doom! Trapped like animals, fresh for the slaughter!"
May: "Just toss one right here!"
[The Eds look back and forth between the angry kids and the lustful Kankers.]
The Kankers: "Hubba Hubba!"


[The Eds are taped to a fence and being pelted with fruit.]
Kevin: "Nice one, Rolf!"
Eddy: "This ain't so bad."
Edd: "The lesser of two evils, I suppose. Although, I can't help but feel something isn't right here."
Ed: [catching an orange in the face] "Got me!"
[Fruit basket empty, the kids leave.]
Nazz: "Well, I feel good."
Kevin: "That'll teach ya."
Jonny: "I hit 'em twice, buddy!"
Sarah: "Idiots."
Jimmy: "Looks good on ya." [Rolf taps Jimmy's shoulder.]
Rolf: "Excuse me, semi-opaque one. More for Rolf, yes?"
Jimmy: "You certainly are a little piggy, aren't you?" [He pours jujubes into Rolf's tin from a huge bag.]
Rolf: "Rolf is confused as to why you provide him with these jujubes, but who's complaining?"
Edd and Eddy: [realizing] "JUJUBES!" [Jimmy begins to shake.]
Eddy: "Where'd you get those from?"
Jimmy: "Get what?" [He turns around, revealing a boot with the sole painted red.] "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Edd: "Look! A paint-spattered boot!"
Ed: "I smell rotten something, i..."
Jimmy: [triumphantly tossing the boot away] "Yes! It was me! And I'd do it again!"
Eddy: "Why, you little rat, wait'll I–"
Edd: "But, why, Jimmy. Why implicate us?"
Jimmy: "Revenge takes no prisoners, Double D!"
Eddy: "Revenge? What the heck did we do!"
Jimmy: "You ruined a perfectly good pair of underpants, you big brute!"
Edd: "Oh, the wedgie!"
Ed: "Oh, yeah, that was funny." [He giggles.]
Jimmy: "Stop it, stop it, stop it! I have never been so humiliated in all my life." [He remembers what he did.]


Jimmy: "Your mocking laughter, gouging at my fragile pride just like my undies. It was at that moment... I formulated my revenge. When the coast was clear, I tippy-toed into action. It began simply with a missing paintbrush. I just waited for the others to take my bait."
Sarah: "ED!"
Jimmy: "Bingo. My fiendish plan was working. With my next move, I would have to sacrifice my own shoulder stuffing. Desperate, yes, but ideal for smudging off Plank's mouth."
[Jimmy is shown wiping off Plank's mouth and then tucking the rag into Edd's back pocket.]
Jimmy: "Smooth as silk. And let's not forget Eddy."
[Jimmy is seen writing Eddy's name on a hockey stick and plunging it through the heart.]
Jimmy: "Who else would sink so low as to pierce our heart of friendship? Cad. Ignoring the butterflies in my tummy, I needed to protect my innocence. So I chose a patsy to keep you losers off my trail."
[Jimmy is seen giving Rolf some jujubes.]
Jimmy: "In enters Rolf, who's insatiable appetite for my jujubes fit snugly into my plans."
[Jimmy is seen painting a work boot.]
Jimmy: "Feeling creative, I decided to tease and taunt you with false clues. Tidbits of information to tickle your nosy parker ways."
[Jimmy is seen placing the wet painted shoe on the sidewalk. He then places an acorn in a loop of string tied to a false tree branch.]
Jimmy: "Artfully, I staged every diversion. Luring Jonny with an insipid acorn was pure genius."
[Jonny is playing with the dangling acorn as Jimmy pulls him away in a wagon.]
Jimmy: "As he would have known to cement my freedom from sin. The jujubes remained a constant theme."
[Jimmy is seen gluing jujubes to a bound and gagged Jonny.]
Jimmy: "But was I satisfied? I should say not. I prepared myself for the enlistment of some help."
[Jimmy goes over and knocks on the door of the Kankers' trailer. The Kankers leap out and beat him up.]
Jimmy: "Happy to see me, the Kankers greeted me with their usual tact of pounding the heck out of me. As I wheezed my proposal about you rotten Eds, they agreed, and a deal was struck."
[The Kankers and Jimmy share a spit shake to seal the deal.]
Jimmy: "I had goosebumps as I laid a trail of jujubes that would seal your fate."
[Jimmy is seen placing the jujubes and then hustling the Kankers inside when he hears the Eds are coming.]
Jimmy: "It was all I could do to contain the excitement in the air. Vengeance would be mine. So I pulled myself together for my final performance..."
[Jimmy is seen calling the kids to the trail.]
Jimmy: "...and nailed your butts."
[Jimmy is seen standing behind the kids as they pound on the door. He is laughing his head off.]


[In reality, Jimmy is laughing his head off as well. Eddy is angry, Ed is confused, and Edd is amazed.]
Edd: "Ingenious!"
Eddy: "What?"
Edd: "A little long-winded, mind you, but absolutely cunning."
Ed: [stomach rumbling] "Is it lunch yet?"
Eddy: "GET ME DOWN FROM HERE! YOU WANKLED FLUFFY HAIRED HALF-PINTED TWART!"
Jimmy: "Quiet, bigmouth!" [Eddy is instantly silenced.] "I have a deal to complete." [He snaps his fingers.]
Lee: [popping up from behind the fence] "We aim to please! Anoint the rebels, girls!"
[The Kankers grab the section of fence to which the Eds are taped and drag them away.]
The Eds: "KANKERS!!!"
[The Kankers drag them off to the woods, presumably back to the cabin.]
Jimmy: [laughing] "Don't mess with the best, suckas!" [He walks off and slips on a stray banana peel.] "Sarah! Owie!"

Season 3 Scripts
"Wish You Were Ed" • "Momma's Little Ed" • "Once Upon an Ed" • "For Your Ed Only" • "It Came From Outer Ed" • "3 Squares and an Ed" • "Dueling Eds" • "Dim Lit Ed" • "Will Work for Ed" • "Ed, Ed and Away" • "X Marks the Ed" • "From Here to Ed" • "Boys Will Be Eds" • "Ed or Tails" • "Gimme, Gimme Never Ed" • "My Fair Ed" • "Rock-a-Bye Ed" • "O-Ed Eleven" • "The Luck of the Ed" • "Ed... Pass it On..." • "Brother, Can You Spare an Ed?" • "The Day the Ed Stood Still" • "If It Smells Like an Ed" • "Don't Rain on My Ed" • "Once Bitten, Twice Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide

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