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Ed, Edd n Eddy

Key to My Ed/Script

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Script


[Edd is in the dark. He picks up a beaker of florescent pink liquid and pours it out. Suddenly, the lights flip on.]
Eddy: "What are ya, some kind of troll or something?"
Edd: "EDDY, TURN OUT THAT LIGHT!" [protecting the liquid with his body] "This mixture is very sensitive!"
[The lights go out.]
Edd: "Thank you, Eddy. By multiplying the isolated bubble of carbon gas, I've invented a soda that will never lose its fizz!"
[Ed and Eddy perk up.]
Ed: "Yummy!"
Eddy: "Gimme a taste, will ya? I love pop!"
Edd: "No, wait! Eddy!"
Ed: "Like a sponge, thirsty I am!" [He grabs the bottle away.]
Edd: [flipping on the light] "You don't understand! I haven't tested its stability! It remains unpredictable!"
[While Edd talks, Ed guzzles the entire bottle.]
Eddy: "That was predictable. Ed, you pig!"
Edd: "Freeze, mister!" [Ed moves into a position and stays still.] "Don't make any sudden movements. Just the slightest twitch might set off the mixture's volatile nature."
Eddy: [lifting Ed's shirt] "And we wouldn't want that to happen, now, would we?" [He takes a feather out and begins to tickle Ed.]
Ed: [laughing and twitching] "Quit it, Eddy!"
Edd: "Stop! Halt! Halt!"
[Eddy continues the tickling. By now, Ed is moving around violently, in the thrall of the feather.]
Edd: "Abstain! Desist! ENOUGH ALREADY!"
Eddy: [stopping] "Don't have a bird, Double D."
[Ed begins to shake. His belly rumbles with the tension. His eyes then turn into spigots and the soda shoots out of his nose. It propels him away.]
Ed: [flying] "Gassy."


[Jonny and Plank are engaged in a staring contest.]
Jonny: "You've gotta blink sometime, you rascal, you!"
[Ed's nose soda falls down upon them, blanketing them completely.]
Jonny: "Gesundheit!"


[Ed flies through a yard. He hits a tree, a pole, and a house before plowing through a fence. Soda spills everywhere.]


Eddy: [to the crashed Ed] "Hey Funnelface, Double D said 'don't move!'"
Ed: "Did I go somewhere?"
Eddy: "Nah. Just rest that empty little head, Ed."
Edd: [holding up a key] "Look! I found a key! Keys have quite a history of unlocking the mysteries of time!" [using a magnifying glass to examine the key] "Why, just think how tangled one's life becomes by losing something as primitive as a key. Pour soul."
Eddy: "Lemme see that key, Double D." [He pulls it away.]
Ed: "I bet that key unlocks big gates of molten lava, releasing the demons from a box of Oat Bran, on the shelf of a mutant truck stop!"
Eddy: "Oh Ed?"
Ed: "Yeah?"
Eddy: "Go get the key!" [He pretends to fling it.]
Ed: "Table for two!" [He runs after the key.]
Eddy: "I bet this key could open King Tut's tomb! Or Al Capone's wallet! Or some exploited cartoon character's theme park! It's ours for the picking, boys."
Edd: "Pardon my English, but, get real, Eddy! I suggest we return the key to its rightful owner."
Eddy: "Of course you do! It's the key to the oyster, Double D. Let's find the pearl!"
Edd: [to Ed, who caught him and kept him from falling] "Why thank you, Ed."
Ed: "Does Al Capone's wallet have pictures, Eddy?" [He drops Edd.]
Edd: "Lovable oaf."


[Jimmy is in the sandbox, playing alone.]
Jimmy: "I hope this sand doesn't get in my loafers." [A hand pushes him forward, destroying his sand castle.] "Hey! Huh? Honest, mister, I'm just a kid. I'm broke!"
Eddy: [trying to use the key on Jimmy's retainer] "Hold still, squirt, I need to see something!"
Jimmy: [his retainer buckling] "Ed! Dy!" [He whines and moans in agony.]
Edd: "For Pete's sake, Eddy, Jimmy's retainer?" [The retainer is horribly mangled around Jimmy's face.]
Jimmy: "Too tight! Too tight! Sarah?" [Hopelessly, he tugs at the mouthpiece and then goes off to find Sarah.]
Eddy: "This key's useless."
Ed: "Oh, I know! Let me try, Eddy!"


[Ed is trying to open Beatrice's udder with the key.]
Ed: "Here we go!" [it doesn't work] "Tricky." [He continues to try the udders.]
Edd: [sarcastically] "I think Ed's on to something, don't you, Eddy?" [pleading] "Come on, Eddy. Someone is really missing this key!"
[Edd falls off of the cow onto Ed.]
Ed: "Ow."
[Eddy laughs.]


[Eddy is trying to use the key to open a manhole.]
Eddy: "It's a key! It's supposed to open something."
Edd: "That's right, Eddy. Something dear and personal, like a box of photographs. Or a diary, with pages of truth and duration. Or as simple as a locket of love. It's our responsibility to see this key returns to its forsaken owner so life can–"
[The key pops out and sticks in the gap between Edd's teeth.]
Edd: "Mortified? Yes. But I won't let myself fall prey to such shallow emotion. Not now." [Eddy slaps his forehead.]


Edd: [as Ed tries to open a fire hydrant] "There's a fellow human crying for help, trying to mend the unraveled ball of yarn handed to them."
Ed: [confused by the hydrant's unwillingness to open] "Hmm."
Edd: "Maybe that's the kind of world you wish to live in, Eddy, where the unyielding and indifferent supersede the benevolent. I say–"
Eddy: "SHUT UP DOUBLE D!" [calming down slightly] "Ed, you understand anything Double D said?"
Ed: "Pass the mustard."
Edd: "There's no need to raise your voice, Eddy."
Eddy: "You're right, Double D. I'm sorry."
Edd: "Apology accepted, Eddy." [turning around to talk to Ed] "Ed, Eddy's made a very important first step, and–"
[Eddy kicks Edd in his tuchus, sending him flying through the air.]
Edd: "EDDDD–DDYYYY!!!!"
Eddy: "My foot apologizes too, Double D!"
Rolf: [carrying a suitcase] "Careful, as the dogs have had their way with that water pump."
Eddy: "Did you see that case? I bet this key is for that case!"


Edd: [talking to Rolf, his hindquarters aching] "...so I feel mankind should reassess its position on the Darwin graph before total social abandonment." [He straightens up.]
Rolf: "You need to eat more fiber, head-in-sock Ed-boy." [He spots Eddy trying to open the case.] "You want to see, yes?"
Eddy: "Um, yeah. Sure, Rolf."
Rolf: [opening the case] "It has been passed down many generations. Behold!"
Ed: "It's a whatchamacallit."
Rolf: [with an accordion] "Not even close, square-peg-in-round-hole Ed-boy!" [He begins to play a polka.]
Ed: "A kazoo?"
Rolf: "No. The accordion, yes?"
Eddy: [plugging his ears] "I'm outta here!"
Ed: "Polka time!" [He grabs Eddy and begins to dance while singing.] "You're too fat for me…I'm too fat for you…" [He spins Eddy into Edd's arms.]
Edd: "What? No flowers?"
Ed: "You're too fat for me…"
[Eddy grabs Ed and pulls him off.]
Rolf: "Everybody now!" [He looks around and sees the deserted cul-de-sac.] "Hmm? Ed…boys?"


[Ed is standing on his head. His shirt falls up, and he pulls it back down. He laughs and has fun playing with his shirt.]
Eddy: [pacing] "This key's gotta open something!"
Edd: "Eddy, let's return the key to whomever lost it! Then, we'll know what it opens!"
Eddy: "What, and ruin all this frustration?" [Ed's monobrow creeps by like a caterpillar, carrying Ed with it. Eddy looks at this in confusion.]
Edd: "Think of it, Eddy. There may be a reward? Huh? Huh?"
Eddy: "Like cash?"
Edd: "Booty, Eddy." [chuckles]
Ed: "I wish I had a turtle shell."
Eddy: "Follow my lead." [He mutters a plan to Edd.]


Jimmy: [pretending to take pictures of Sarah] "The fall collection screams 'Color Me Bright!' from House of Sarah's Design."
Sarah: [posing] "Yes, well, I'm tired of this, Jimmy!"
Jimmy: "Don't stop now–you're famous!"
Sarah: "I am?"
[A paper airplane flies by, straight into the camera. It hits Jimmy in the eye.]
Jimmy: "My eye!"
Sarah: "Who's the wiseguy?" [She pulls the airplane out and unfolds it.] "It's a note."


[A water balloon plops through Nazz's window, a note on it. Nazz goes over to examine it, and the balloon explodes in her face. Nazz pulls the wet paper away and reads it.]
Nazz: "We have what you lost."


Kevin: "If you want it back, be in the lane at three o'clock."
[His note was delivered by way of a giant boulder which was dropped on his bike.]


Rolf: [reading the note, which is in a pig's mouth] "And bring a bag of jawbreakers." [dropping the pig] "Swindlers!"


[The Eds are running to the lane.]
Edd: "Holding the key for ransom isn't what I had in mind, Eddy!"
Eddy: "Got that right. It's better!"
[Eddy trips over a sleeping Jonny, who is curled up on the sidewalk.]
Eddy: "What's with Jonny?"
Edd: "Must be three o'clock. Jonny always naps at three o'clock."
Ed: "Isn't Jonny scared the VULTURES WILL GET HIM?"
Eddy: "The guy's a hazard. C'mon, we're wasting time."
[He and Edd continue onwards. Ed stays behind, worried about Jonny.]
Eddy: "Ed!"


[Eddy peeks into the lane. Kevin has a bag of jawbreakers with him and is idly kicking a rock.]
Ed: [to Edd, carrying Jonny] "Aw, he's drooling."
Eddy: "Ha! It's Kevin! This must be the key to his bike lock."
Rolf: [from the lane] "So, it is you!"
Kevin: "Rolf!"
Rolf: "You have broken the trust of a son of a shepherd!"
Kevin: "Me? Get over it! You blew it, man!"
Rolf: [grabbing Kevin by the shirt] "Confess to your crimes, stale end-piece of white bread! Return my eggplant cups!"
Kevin: "Look who's talking!" [They begin to fight with each other.]
Eddy: "It's an international incident."
Kevin: [twisting Rolf's body into a knot] "Cough up my headphones."
Sarah: [with Jimmy, both have bags of jawbreakers] "Hey! Who's the one who took Jimmy's shampoo!"
Nazz: [still wet, carrying nothing but the note] "Whose bright idea was this?"
Jimmy: "Wait a minute." [He sniffs Nazz's hair.]
Nazz: "What are you doing?" [She pushes Jimmy away.]
Jimmy: "Your hair smells suspiciously herbal fresh." [narrowing his eyes] "Use it or lose it, missy."
[Jimmy attacks Nazz.]
Sarah: "Holy mackerel!" [She helps Jimmy.]
[By now the lane has collapsed into chaos. Eddy looks on, befuddled.]
Eddy: "What the heck are they doing?" [to the kids] "Hey hey hey!" [The kids look up.] "I'm the one with the key!"
Kevin: "Who cares about the stupid key?"
Rolf: "Poacher!" [He grabs Kevin, and the battle begins anew.]
Edd: "Well Eddy, it seems your key did open one thing: the paranoia and hostility festering beneath the surface of our formerly calm cul-de-sac."
Eddy: [annoyed] "Do you ever turn off?"
Edd: "It's a curse, I'm afraid."
The Kankers: [appearing out of nowhere] "Fight! Fight! Fight!"
Eddy: "Kankers."
Lee: "A neighborhood rumble and we weren't invited!"
[The kids scatter, knowing how dangerous the Kankers are.]
Lee: [tapping Eddy on the chest] "Hi Eddy! Wanna fight?" [Eddy hides the key behind his back and giggles nervously.] "Hey! Whatcha got back there?"
Eddy: [backing up] "I have no idea what you're talking about." [He stuffs the key in Ed's mouth.] "Nothing, see?"
Marie: "Give him the lip-lock, Lee."
Eddy: "Take your best shot."
[The Eds run away. Ed, hindered by his load, is the slowest, and May tackles him. Jonny flies through the air.]
Ed: "Eddy!" [The still snoozing Jonny lands in Eddy's arms.]
Eddy: "Does this guy sleep through the whole show?"
Edd: "Look what they're doing to poor defenseless Ed!"
Eddy: "I knew him well."
[May and Marie are taking turns jumping on Ed's back. With each landing, Ed retches.]
Lee: "Cough it up, Ed." [A sink flies out of his mouth.] "This boy's got a big appetite."
[Lee lifts the sink, and the key falls out of the broken pipe.]
Marie: "It's a key, Lee!"
Eddy: "My key!" [Jonny yawns.] "Hey, Kankers! Trade ya!"
[Eddy flings Jonny at the Kankers.]
May: "Heads up!"
[Jonny hits Lee. The key flies out of Lee's hand and lands on the ground, where Eddy picks it up.]
Eddy: [running away] "I got the key!"
Lee: "Get this thing off me!"
May: [disgusted] "Look at the size of his head!"
Lee: "Move it Marie!"
Marie: "Yeah yeah, quit flappin' your yap." [She pulls Jonny off Lee.] "Yuck! Gross!"
Lee: "Is it real?"


[The Eds run down the lane. Eddy squeezes under a fence. Ed lifts the same fence to let Edd through.]
Edd: "Thank you, Ed!"
[Ed drops the fence. He doesn't have the presence of mind to lift it again and go under, so he climbs over.]
Ed: "Not good not good!"
[Lee kicks a board out, and she and her sisters squeeze through the resulting gap.]
Eddy: "Open the door, Double D!"
Lee: [as she and her sisters approach] "This is my favorite part." [They laugh evilly.]
Edd: "It's locked!"
Eddy: "C'mon, willya?"
Edd: "It's locked, I tell you!"
Eddy: "Out of my way, you're doing it wrong!" [He strains against the locked door.]
Edd: "Ed, your door's locked! Get the door, Ed!"
Ed: "No problem, I have a key." [He reaches into his pocket and his hand comes out his pant leg.] "I think it fell out of this hole in my pants."
[Eddy stares at the key the Eds have been using the whole episode, dumbfounded.]
Eddy: [desperately trying to put the key in the keyhole] "Ed! You idiot! This is your key!"
Lee: [in Eddy's face, leering] "Have we got plans for you!"
[The Kanker Sisters laugh evilly.]


[The Eds are barefoot in Ed's basement. Their feet have been placed in stocks. A Kanker closes the stocks and padlocks them. All the while, the girls giggle.]
May: "You're such a slug, Marie."
[The Kanker sisters have taken off their shoes and socks as well.]
Lee: "You boys are in for the ride of your lives."
Ed: [staring at May's foot] "A naked foot."
Eddy: "I'm too young! And handsome!"
Lee: "Ready, girls?"
Edd: [frightened] "You wouldn't dare. Don't even think–! Have mercy! No!" [Marie presses her feet to his and wiggles her toes on Edd's. The other sisters do the same to the other Eds.]
Edd and Eddy: "FOOTSIES! AAAAAHHHH!!!"
Ed: "Clammy."

Season 2 Scripts
"Know it All Ed" • "Dear Ed" • "Knock Knock Who's Ed?" • "One + One = Ed" • "Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Ed" • "Ready, Set... Ed!" • "Hands Across Ed" • "Floss Your Ed" • "In Like Ed" • "Who Let the Ed In?" • "Home Cooked Eds" • "Rambling Ed" • "To Sir with Ed" • "Key to My Ed" • "Urban Ed" • "Stop, Look and Ed" • "Honor Thy Ed" • "Scrambled Ed" • "Rent-a-Ed" • "Shoo Ed" • "Ed in a Halfshell" • "Mirror, Mirror, on the Ed" • "Hot Buttered Ed" • "High Heeled Ed" • "Fa-La-La-La-Ed" • "Cry Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide

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