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Script


[The Eds run through the junkyard.]
Eddy: [cresting a hill] "Boy, Double D, you stink." [Edd is trying to blow through a pipe.] "Let a pro show ya."
Edd: "Certainly, Eddy."
Eddy: "It's all technique, Sockhead. Pure talent!" [He tries and fails to do it right.] "Wrong technique. Slight adjustment, and–"
[Eddy blows into it and manages to make a decent sounding noise come out. Suddenly, his cheeks inflate, as Ed blows in the other end.]
Ed: "I am a whale, Eddy! An endangered mammal. Hug me."
Eddy: "Okay, blubberhead. But you can't be a whale, unless you have a spout!" [He shoves the tube over Ed's head. While Ed is stumbling around, he climbs another hill.] "I'm the king of the castle, and you're a dirty–"
Ed and Edd: "Dogpile!" [They leap on Eddy. Edd then climbs to the top, where he is pulled off by Ed.]
Eddy: "Attack the lump!" [He leaps on Ed and covers Ed's eyes.]
Ed: "Oh no, something ate my head!"
[Ed stumbles into Edd, and the trio roll down a hill and over another. The second hill acts as a ramp, and the Eds fly up and come down on one end of a door. The door acts as a lever, launching a box up and over the Eds.]
Ed: "Oh, look!" [He picks up one of the box's contents.] "A whole box of alien exploratory probes, dropped off in an attempt to save fuel during a mutiny of pulsating brain mutants."
Eddy: [after pausing to digest the story] "I think that eyebrow's too heavy for his head."
Edd: "Actually, they look like turkey basters."
Eddy: [laughing] "Yeah right, Double D. Turkey basters."
Ed: [using the basters as fangs] "I must have blood, let me bite your–" [Eddy shoves him away knocking out one of the baster fangs.]
Eddy: "Where was I?" [He picks up the baster.] "What we have here is a squirt gun."
Edd: [disbelieving] "Please, a squirt gun?"
Eddy: "What? Yeah." [embellishing his story] "A Canadian squirt gun."
Ed: [with four guns stuck to his face, one of which in his eye] "Canadians are weird."
Eddy: "Watch and learn, boys. Just fill–" [He sticks the gun in a puddle.]
Edd: "Even if they were Canadian–heaven forbid–I don't think they're–"
Eddy: "And squirt!" [A gush of water hits Edd in the mouth.] "Canadian style."
Ed: "My turn, my turn!"
Edd: "One person's trash is another person's treasure, I suppose."
Ed: [five guns stuck to his face] "I'm a moose, Double D!"
Eddy: [patting the box] "Let's share our treasure for cash! Every kid on the block will want one!"
Edd: "Eddy, your voice can be quite irritating at times."
Ed: "COOKIES AND MILK!"


[A bowling ball rolls down part of the lane and knocks down some items by the fence; it's a strike.]
Kevin: "All right Rolf!"
Rolf: "My papa would ridicule Rolf for the rolling of the sphere."
Jonny: "Plank wants to go next."
Sarah: [snatching the ball] "Get in line, Jonny, Jimmy's been waiting all day! Show them what you're made of, Jimmy." [Sarah hands Jimmy the ball and Jimmy slumps. Evidently the ball is too heavy for him.]
Kevin: "Let me try."
Jimmy: [the ball caught in his retainer] "I think I pulled something, Sarah."
[Kevin picks up the ball, not noticing that Jimmy's still attached. He sends the ball at the pins.]
Kevin: "Oops."
Jimmy: "Remember the Alamo!" [Jimmy hits the pins, knocking them down.]
Kevin: "Awesome." [A horse neighs.]
Nazz: "Is that Eddy?" [Eddy, wearing a white cowboy hat, readies his squirt guns and places them in two sock holsters.]
Kevin: "What are those?"
Eddy: "Ready for some action, city slicker?" [Ed pops up from behind the fence and moves to the right.] "You won't want to miss a drop." [Eddy slams the guns against the ground, and Ed gets splattered.]
Ed: "Quack." [Ed gets hit a second time.] "Quack." [And a third.] "Quack."
Rolf: [impressed] "You see that?"
Sarah: "It's so powerful!"
Nazz: "Looks like fun!"
Jonny: "Is it hard?"
Eddy: [looking in a mirror] "It's easy as one, two, three."
[Eddy fires his gun. The shot rebounds off a birdhouse into a bucket, which shoots it back through the ears of Sarah, Rolf, and Jimmy to hit Ed in the face again.]
Ed: "Quack."
Eddy: "Don't try this at home, kids." [He blows at the tip of his squirt gun.]
Rolf: "Yes, I must try your water shooter, Cowpoke Eddy."
Sarah: "Yeah, let me try!"
Eddy: "All the way from Canada, loaded and in stock, at Double D's House of Import-Exports!" [He gestures to a stand located a few yards down the road.]
Edd: "All at the insignificant price of fifty cents. We'll also include a free sock holster."
[Edd is instantly surrounded by the kids, who take all the guns and socks, leaving behind their money. The stand collapses, and the moose head which was a symbol of it lands on Edd's head.]
Edd: "Help."
Eddy: "Whoa nelly!" [He falls into a sitting position and looks at the full jar.] "They fell for it. Whoa! Today must be my lucky day. C'mon boys, let's keep this gravy train rolling."
Edd: [wobbly under the moose head] "Coming, Eddy."
Ed: "I was a moose once."


[Jimmy is on a stick horse, running away from someone and shooting playfully.]
Jimmy: "You can't catch me!"
Sarah: "You're a slippery rattlesnake, Jimmy."
Jimmy: [peeking out from behind a tree] "I am? Let's ride, Paisley!" [He takes two steps and gets mown down by Kevin.]
Kevin: "You're real slippery now! Twerp." [He rides away. Jonny and Plank, in a covered wagon, come by.]
Jonny: "Whoa." [He is being the horse.] "I'm pooped, Plank!"
Plank:
Jonny: "What? Gold? Let's stake our claim, hombre!" [Jonny gets his second wind and takes off. A loud crack is heard, implying Plank whipped him] "OUCH!"
Kevin: [tying his bike to a picket fence] "I'm going for a soda."
Eddy: "Hold it right there, partner. Hitchin your horse in a no hitchin zone there, Pecos Kev? [Eddy's hat shoves Ed away.] Write him up, Double Deputy D."
Kevin: "You're a dork."
Eddy: "That's Marshall Dork, Palmer."
Edd: [handing Kevin a ticket] "Here you are, Kevin. Thank you."
Kevin: [flipping Eddy a coin] "Hey, Marshall Drip."
Eddy: [cackling] "This is way too easy!" [Eddy becomes suspicious and bites into the coin.] "SPLINTERS! [growls] You're wooden money's not good here, Pecos Kev!"
[As if in reply, a rock lands on Eddy's hat.]
Eddy: "Ow!"
[He looks up to see the culprit is Rolf, who is using a plate to pan for gold. Rolf finds a rock and flicks it away.]
Edd: "Ow!"
Eddy: "That's a twenty-five cent prospecting fine!"
Rolf: "But I am washing dishes, no-brain Ed-boy."
Eddy: "Twenty-five cents, or twenty-five days in the pokey!"
Edd: [to Eddy] "Ahem. Wrong cartoon, Eddy."
[Sarah is bandaging up a crying Jimmy's arm.]
Jimmy: "Cattle wrestling's hard, Sarah!"
Sarah: "No more branding for you, mister."
Eddy: "And you!"
Jimmy: "Jeepers! It's Marshall Eddy!"
Eddy: [twanging Jimmy's retainer] "A twenty-five cent railroad tax."
Sarah: "EDDY, LEAVE JIMMY ALONE!"
Eddy: "Double Deputy D?"
[Edd hands Sarah a ticket.]
Sarah: "Disturbing the peace? We're not paying."
Rolf: "You have gone crazy, fast-buck Ed-boys."
Jimmy: "Yeah, I plumb reckon."
Eddy: "I hadn't counted on that one."
Jonny: "Runaway wagon. Runaway wagon!"
[Jonny and Plank's wagon comes racing down the hill. Neither of the two are anywhere to be seen. The wagon runs past the kids and into a tree. A bound Jonny and Plank fall out.]
Sarah: "What happened, Jonny?"
Jonny: "We were...ambushed. They circled our wagon. Oh, look what those outlaws...did to him!"
[Jonny holds up Plank, who has makeup on his face and clouds of perfume coming off his body.]
The Kids: "EWWW!"
Eddy: "What stinks?"
Ed: "Plank reminds me of fresh-cut spring flowers strewn across a babbling brook with a hint of lemon."
Jonny: "They were headed this way!"
Eddy: [chuckling] "Who needs the marshall now? It's a shame you didn't pay your fines."
Jimmy: "I got twenty-five cents."
Rolf: "Ya! Ya!"
Sarah: "I'll pay to see this."
[The kids quickly give in and pay the money they owe. Suddenly, a hand grabs the jar away.]
Eddy: "What the–"
Lee: "Thanks, Marshall Eddy."
Eddy: "Kankers. Give back my–" [He goes to pull out his guns only to find they've been replaced with a fish's skeleton and a brush.] "Huh?"
Edd: [searching his holsters] "My squirt gun is missing!"
Lee: "Oh boys!" [They turn to look.] "Looking for these?" [She and her sisters pull out the missing guns.]
Jimmy: "Your days are numbered, Kanker sisters! Marshall Eddy is here for your hide!" [The kids look at Jimmy like he's an idiot.] "Well he is."
Lee: "And who's gonna help him?" [The kids stand stupefied.]
Eddy: "Um, we were just going to get our harmonicas. Right guys?" [The Eds flee.]
Marie: [flexing a lasso] "I love when they do this."
The Eds: "Run away!" [The lasso settles around them and Marie pulls them in. Ed is clutching a tree.]
May: "Look! They brought us flowers!"
Marie: "What is it this time, girls? Eau de Woodrot or Krankshaft Number 5?"
Lee and May: "Krankshaft!"
Edd: "Perfume!"
Eddy: "Just like Plank!"
Ed: "I don't want to smell pretty, Eddy!"
The Kankers: "Squirt guns ready? Pick a boyfriend!" [The perfume hits the Eds.]
The Eds: "Ow!"
Eddy: "I'm feeling pretty ripe right now."
Lee: [walking away with May and Marie.] "Thanks for the loot, boys."
Edd: "Oh, it'll take weeks to disinfect these clothes!"
Ed: "I smell like fresh-cut spring flowers strewn across a babbling brook with a hint of lemon."
Eddy: [grousing] "Nobody takes my money and gets away with it. I will have my revenge!" [For a few seconds, nothing happens.] "Anytime, Ed."
Ed: "Oh." [He gets up.] "Choo choo!" [Ed carries Edd and Eddy away on his back.]


Jimmy: [standing in a bush] "Look Sarah, a parade!"
[Sarah grabs Jimmy and stuffs him back into the bush with her. The Eds walk by.]
Eddy: "This cowboy stuff is murder on your legs!"
[The Eds come to three holes in the ground, each just the right size for a coffin.]
Ed: "Oh, too cool!"
Edd: [nervous] "Someone doesn't have much confidence in us."
Eddy: "Ah, they're just trying to scare us. Let's go."
[Ed and Eddy head off, but Edd stands shivering, looking at the holes, until Ed comes back and carries him away. Rolf, carrying a shovel, then leads his pigs to the holes.]
Rolf: "Rolf has broken his back and made you new mud pits. Thank you very much."


[The Eds come to the site of the showdown: Peach Creek Estates. The construction zone looks devoid of any human beings, save the Eds, who are hiding behind a stack of lumber.]
Eddy: "No sign of the Kankers. Let's move out."
Edd: "This is desperate, Eddy. What if–we're captured and forced to clean their gutters?"
Ed: "I don't know what a gutter is, Eddy!"
Eddy: "You'll be living in one if you don't come on!" [He leaps out.] "Okay, Kank–" [Realizing he's alone, he angrily beckons to his scared deputies, who come to stand beside him.] "Okay, Kankers! I'm calling you out!"
Lee: "What took you so long?"
Eddy: "You know what we're here for!"
Lee: "I love a man in uniform."
Eddy: "Stand your ground, deputies." [He's alone once again.] "Deputies?"
[Eddy turns around to see Ed and Edd clinging to each other fearfully.]
Lee: "Ready, girls?"
[The Kankers start to approach across the long expanse of cement that separates the Kankers from the Eds. The Eds fingers twitch above their squirt guns. Ed and Edd are scared; by contrast, the Kankers are all confident in their abilities. Eddy is the only one who truly seems ready to fight.]
Eddy: "Draw!"
[The battle begins. Eddy fires two guns at once. Ed uses his teeth and hands to control three. Edd uses one.]
Edd: "Tell me if I hit them. No, don't."
[The water flies past the Kankers, who are all standing still. Eddy continues with his two guns. Ed, meanwhile, has moved on to running on five guns laid out in a row on the ground. Edd uses a makeshift Gatling Gun. At first, he is tentative, but he quickly becomes excited by the weapon.]
Edd: "Oh, I feel it. I FEEL THE ADRENALINE, EDDY BABY!"
Eddy: [embarrassed] "Double D! Double D!" [Edd stops firing.] "Relax, will ya? It's a toy. From Canada. Geez, how embarrassing."
[Eddy goes back to firing, but his guns have run dry. The same thing has happened to all his friends. The Kankers stand in the middle of the cement expanse on a hill of dirt, untouched by any water.]
Lee: "Are you through?"
Edd: [amazed] "We missed every shot."
Lee: "We won't."
The Kankers: [shooting at the Eds' feet] "Dance, cowboys!"
Eddy: [cocky as soon as the barrage stops] "Forget your glasses at home? You only got our feet wet!"
Marie: "It's our Kanker rubber cement. Check again, Deadeye."
[The Eds lift their feet and find that while they can move some, they are pretty much trapped.]
Edd: "It feels as though I'm in Ed's basement."
Eddy: "We're trapped!"
Lee: [applying lipstick to her lips] "Time for some home cookin!" [The Kankers close in on the Eds.]
Ed: [as his friends scream] "Not home! Not home!"

Season 2 Scripts
"Know it All Ed" • "Dear Ed" • "Knock Knock Who's Ed?" • "One + One = Ed" • "Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Ed" • "Ready, Set... Ed!" • "Hands Across Ed" • "Floss Your Ed" • "In Like Ed" • "Who Let the Ed In?" • "Home Cooked Eds" • "Rambling Ed" • "To Sir with Ed" • "Key to My Ed" • "Urban Ed" • "Stop, Look and Ed" • "Honor Thy Ed" • "Scrambled Ed" • "Rent-a-Ed" • "Shoo Ed" • "Ed in a Halfshell" • "Mirror, Mirror, on the Ed" • "Hot Buttered Ed" • "High Heeled Ed" • "Fa-La-La-La-Ed" • "Cry Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide

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