[The school bell rings, and Ed rushes down the hall, clutching a donut. Eddy is in hot pursuit.]
Eddy: "It's mine! Gimme my donut!"
[Ed crashes through the janitor's closet door.]
Eddy: "I saw it first!"
[Ed, binded up in rope, runs the other way.]
Edd: "Eddy, calm down. You know you're only encouraging him."
[Eddy catches up to Ed and spins him around, drilling him into the floor.]
Edd: "Oh, Eddy, now look what you've done!"
[Ed comes up underneath Edd, still spinning. He spins into a row of lockers, knocking their doors off and destroying them. He eventually stops, and Eddy grabs the donut that Ed is holding and bites into it, biting Ed's hand in the process.]
Ed: "YOWCH!" [He throws Eddy off. Ed still has the donut.]
Edd: "Goodness gracious! Have you two no respect for the sanctum of school property? Honestly, I–"
[Eddy clutches at him as he climbs down from the school wall on which he is plastered. A poster floats down, and Edd sweats as he gazes at it.]
Edd: "Oh, um, I withdraw my last statement. No harm done, yes?"
Eddy: "What you got there?"
Edd: [folding up the poster] "Nothing. Righto. Let's say we make our way to–" [Eddy grabs the poster.]
Eddy: "School dance? Tonight? How'd we miss this?!"
Edd: "Isn't it a shame? Why, if only we had known sooner. Oh well. There's always next year." [He pulls the blinds down in front of him, hiding himself from view. Ed and Eddy join him.]
Eddy: "Only losers stay home on a school dance night, and we ain't losers. Right, Ed?"
Ed: "Sure ain't, Eddy!"
[Eddy shivers, noticing Edd is gone. The window is open, and Edd is crouched underneath it, hiding. Eddy pulls him back inside.]
Eddy: "Check this out!" [He puts up a sheet reading "Win a Date with Eddy! Sign up heer!"]
Edd: "Win a date with Eddy? Sign up here?" [He darts over to Eddy.] "You're not seriously thinking of going to this–"
[Edd stops talking. Someone has signed up. Eddy looks at the sheet. The name on it is Ed's.]
Edd: "Do you realize that it's customary for a boy to ask a girl to attend?" [He points Eddy towards Sarah, who is talking to Jonny.]
Sarah: "I'D RATHER DATE A FROG, BALDY!"
Jonny: "Whaddya mean, I shoulda ate a breathmint, Plank?"
[Sarah stuffs Jonny in a trashcan and sends it rolling down the hall. Eddy peels a sweating Edd off Ed's back.]
Eddy: "Asking's for chumps, Double D. My brother told me really cool guys ride solo, so they ain't stuck with the same chick all night." [He lets his friends out of the school.] "C'mon! I got something that'll knock your socks off!"
Ed: "Missed too many laundry days for that, Eddy!" [He sticks his sock-clad foot in Edd's nose.] "My socks and me are as one."
Edd: "GOOD LORD! Stinky stinky stinky."
[Eddy is in his closet, hauling out many, many clothes. He jumps out carrying a book.]
Eddy: [gleefully] "Wait till ya see this!"
Edd: [reading the title] "Dames, Dates and You?"
Eddy: "It's got everything a guy needs to know about charming the tomatoes. My bro says so."
Ed: [taking the book] "Just call me Charmin' Marvin."
Edd: [sweating] "Uh, a tad dated, don't you think, Eddy?"
Ed: [reading] "And so, step number one: send that swinging chick to cloud nine!"
Eddy: "Hands off my brother's book, Ed." [He cleans it on his shirt.]
Edd: "Well, I must fly, gentlemen. It so happens there's a documentary on slippers through the ages airing…on…television tonight. Should be…enlightening?"
Eddy: "We're rendevousing. Got it? Go on." [He pushes Edd into the hall.] "My mom's got a sewing mannequin we can practice on." [to Ed] "Hands off my brother's book!" [He punches Ed. The force of the blow sends Ed sliding backwards into the hallway wall.]
[Ed is decorating the mannequin to look like a girl.]
Eddy: "Nice work, Lumpy! One swinging chick–check!"
[A rattling of chains alerts them. Edd is chained to a chest but still trying to escape.]
Edd: [excuses getting feebler] "Oh, would you look at that! It's time to starch mother's tea cozy! Yes? Perhaps another time." [Eddy slams the attic door shut.]
Eddy: [swinging the key to Edd's shackle] "Ready, Sockhead?" [Ed turns the dummy towards Edd.] "Ask her!"
[Edd pulls his shirt over his face. Suddenly, music begins to play.]
Eddy: [operating a phonograph] "She's waiting."
Ed: "Squish the tomato, Double D!"
[As the music plays, Edd just stares at the dummy. He crumples to the floor.]
Edd: "I can't bear the rejection!"
Eddy: "What a baby." [He deposits Edd on a trunk.]
Ed: "My turn!" [He rides up to the mannequin on a rocking horse.] "Pardon me, miss. I'm Charmin' Marvin! And this is my little friend, Sheldon." [He pulls out a cheese chunk.] "Um, junior." [He drops the cheese.]
Eddy: "Ed, you idiot! Girls don't wanna see your stupid cheese. Talk about everyday stuff! You know. Cologne, cash? Me?"
Ed: "Me? Like movies?" [to the dummy] "So, have you partaken in watching Attack of the 50-Foot TV Tray? [He takes a picture of either Eddy or his Brother and swallows it to look like the monster.] My favorite scene was when the angry TV Tray speared forth and rampaged the city. Kinda like this." [He acts out the scene.] "I am a giant TV tray! Your city is done for, puny humans with handsome hairdos! AAARRGGHH!"
Edd: [begging Eddy] "Eddy, please. The school dance is destined to be yet another delinquent delusion in our adolescent lives!"
Eddy: "Get over it! This book's gonna make us the sultans of swagger. The poobahs of pizzazz! Hurry up, Ed! There's two chapters here on cool happening threads. I got a ton of 'em!"
Ed: "Threads tickle, Eddy!"
[A needle drops on a record, and music pounds through the gym. The Eds enter.]
Jimmy: [giggling] "I'm a dancing fool, Sarah!"
Ed: "Ooh, look, Eddy! Rolf brought Wilfred to the dance! Lucky fellow."
Eddy: "Yeah yeah, just remember like the book says. Us Eds ain't chasing any chicks, got it?"
Edd: "Eddy! There's still time to reconsider before we venture forth into the traumatic awkwardness of pubescent promenading!"
Rolf: [watching the dancers] "Ho ho! Rolf's ribs tickle, as a one-legged mule could prance even better than these two-legged nincompoops! Yes, Wilfred? Rolf's suit of solitude will repel them."
Eddy: [to Edd] "It's like picking apples out of a tree. Go on. Cut a rug."
[Edd looks across the room fearfully. Nazz is sitting on the side of the room, alone. She sees the Eds and waves. At this, Edd and Eddy hunt through the book, looking for a tip on what to do.]
Ed: "Balloons are so fun!" [He is playing with a balloon.]
Eddy: "Yeah! I better go wash off some of this aftershave! It's driving the dames crazy!"
[Eddy leaves, and Edd is all alone. Edd backs against the wall. Nazz waves again. Edd's gaze is drawn to an exit.]
Edd: "Exit! Thank you thank you thank–" [He runs into Sarah.] "Sarah! I was just–" [Sarah turns around smilingly and mirrors his moves to escape.] "Oh, I'm sorry!"
Sarah: "Hi, Double D. Is there something you'd like to ask me?"
Edd: "Oh my!" [He heads for the snack table and helps himself.]
Kevin: [puffing up his chest] "I'm going in, man!"
Rolf: [taunting] "Casanova Kevin-boy, yes?"
[Kevin appears next to Nazz.]
Nazz: "Hi Kev!"
Kevin: "Hey, Nazz. Didn't see you there."
Nazz: "Hey, wanna dance with me?"
Kevin: [scared] "Punch! Got it. Be right back." [He heads back to the snack table. Nazz sits alone, unhappy.]
Rolf: [taunting the returning Kevin] "Backbone bruised? Courage crushed? Spirit squashed?"
Kevin: "Yeah, whatever."
Edd: "Kevin, pardon my intrusion, but would you happen to know a back way out of this?" [He sees Kevin holding a cup.] "Oh! May I?"
[Edd lifts the ladle, and a false mustache appears, floating on the top. He and Kevin look in the bowl and see Eddy, swimming inside it and hiding from the girls.]
Kevin: "Whoa! I almost drank Dork-ade! I'm gonna heave!" [He heads for a bathroom.]
Eddy: [popping out of the bowl] "Smooth move, Sockhead! Where in the book does it say to blow your buddy's cover?!"
Edd: "I assure you, only after the chapter about abandoning your friend in his time of need!"
Eddy: "Ah, shut it and help me out of this thing."
[The bowl tips, and Eddy falls into Edd. They roll across the gym floor towards Kevin.]
Kevin: "They ran out of punch, but check this out!"
[Kevin drops to the ground and begins to do one-armed push-ups to Nazz's exquisite boredom. Suddenly, Edd and Eddy ram into him. Nazz fishes Edd out of the pileup.]
Nazz: "Way to bust a move, Double D! Let's twist!" [She drags him onto the dance floor.]
Eddy: "Hey! That's my move he's busted! He didn't even want to be here!"
Nazz: [guiding Edd] "Like this, Double D. Let's boogie! Whee!"
Eddy: "Ha! Way to get burned, Shovelhead."
[Kevin punches Eddy and stomps out of the gym. Marie angrily watches Edd dance with Nazz and tears the cover off the speakers.]
Lee: "You gonna let that hussy steal your man, Marie?"
Marie: [grabbing Eddy] "Get up, shorty! We're dancing!" [She grabs Eddy and slams him into Nazz. Edd looks at them.] "Quick, he's looking. Make like an octopus and suck face."
Ed: "Wilfred sure has some fancy footwork, huh, Jonny?" [He is dancing with Rolf's pig.]
Rolf: "Ed-boy! You have broken the customary laws of Rolf's traditions!" [He grabs Ed.] "You must first ask permission if you shimmy-shake the swine! Have you no shame?" [Lee grabs Ed.]
[Lee forms Ed into a mallet and runs behind Marie and Eddy.]
Lee: "Get your claws off my man, Marie!"
May: "How 'bout you get your claws off my man, boyfriend-stealer!"
[May charges Lee, dragging Rolf behind her. Rolf's costume catches on the hardwood floor and begins ripping it up. Rolf rolls forward, over May, Lee, and Marie. It hits Nazz and carries on, wrecking the gym. The costume hits the snack table and climbs up a wall before coming down on the record player. Jimmy runs.]
[Jimmy is swallowed up by the giant rolling ball. It begins to tear up the walls and ceiling.]
Eddy: "Faster, Ed!"
[The Eds escape the school.]
Eddy: "That stunk! I'm done with dames. Who can figure 'em?" [Ed drops him in the snow.]
[Behind them, the school collapses. The Eds see this, and Ed and Eddy grin.]
Ed: "No school tomorrow!"
Edd: [happy] "Seems I did learn something from your book, Eddy. After all, I did get to dance with Nazz."
Ed: "And I got Wilfred's phone number, guys!"
Eddy: "You're an idiot, Ed!"