[The camera closes in on Peach Creek Jr. High. We get to see a hallway.]
Jonny: "Right on!" [racing around the hall] "B's and C's for me! B's and C's for me!" [He wedges his head in his locker.] "All that extra tutoring you gave me really paid off, buddy!"
Nazz: "Hey, Jonny." [She waves her card.] "Check that out." [Jonny looks it over.]
Jonny: "An A in cheerleading? You sure must have brains!"
Kevin: "Choice! I upped my fine arts mark to a C-minus. Dad's gonna be stoked!"
Rolf: "Cursed present-day phooey! Rolf will need a new tuchus after Papa sees this."
Kevin: "Dude, a D in typing? Rough."
Rolf: [showing Kevin a typewriter] "Almighty chin-faced Kevin! Of what use is this infernal button box to the son of a shepherd? Rolf asks you!"
Kevin: "Um..." [He goes to the other kids.] "Yo, Nazz, how'd you do?"
[While the kids chat, Eddy seethes.]
Eddy: "How come they get their report cards while some back-stabbing jerk is hand-delivering ours to our parents?"
[A tearful Ed wipes his nose on his sleeve.]
Ed: "Life can be so cruel!" [He slams his face into his locker. Edd comes up to them.]
Eddy: "I mean, what kind of low-down miserable two-timing double-crossing slimeball would do something like that?"
Edd: [behind them] "Well, look at the bright side, gentlemen. This could be a great opportunity for the two of you to sit with your parents and find a corrective curriculum to overcome your academic shortcomings." [He makes to leave.] "Yes indeedy."
[Edd steps on an apple and slips. His bag flies open, and papers spill out all over the place. The kids laugh.]
Kevin: "Smooth move, dork!"
Ed: "For me? You shouldn't have, Double D." [He claws at the papers.] "Pick paper up, pick paper up, pick paper..."
Edd: [as Ed repeats himself] "No Ed–please–let me do that."
Ed: "Double D!" [He holds up two sheets of paper.] "Your report cards look the same as mine and Eddy's!"
Eddy: "Lemme see those!"
[Eddy grabs the papers and looks at them angrily. He then backs Edd into a locker.]
Eddy: "So you're the backstabbing jerk!"
Edd: [trying to bluff] "Who, me? Why, never! Um, uh, perhaps I should hang on to those for safekeeping?"
Eddy: "In your dreams!" [He throws Edd into a locker.]
Ed: "May I might? I bet I'm doing real good, guys! Oh, oh! Listen to this!"
[Ed pretends to be a teacher as he reads from his card.]
Ed: "Ed has difficulty with his ability to concentrate for even the smallest period!" [He wiggles his finger. Soon enough, he becomes entranced.] "Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock."
Eddy: "The teacher's got you pegged, Ed!"
Edd: [in the locker] "Deplorable grades do not a joke make, Eddy."
Eddy: "Who's got de-horrible grades, smart guy? Not us, not anymore!"
[Eddy runs over to his locker.]
Eddy: "Time to get to work, Ed."
[Eddy lifts a picture in the back of his locker. He pulls a guitar case out from the back of it.]
Eddy: "A little hand-me-down from my brother." [He opens the case.] "The good ol' report-changing kit!"
[Inside the case are a litany of tools designed to change report cards from unacceptable to excellent.]
Eddy: "Here. Get cracking." [He hands Ed some liquid paper.]
Ed: "Already cracked, Eddy!"
Eddy: "The usual A's and B's, and throw in a C-minus just in case. I don't want my folks to get suspicious."
[Ed changes Eddy's grade in Remedial Math to a C.]
Ed: "Looky! A C, I see! And as smart you be, Eddy McGee!"
[A large shadow falls across the cards. Ed and Eddy follow it up the wall. It is an adult.]
Eddy: [whispering] "We're busted, Ed." [Edd sneaks in and takes the cards.]
Ed: [whispering] "Not good, Eddy."
Eddy: [turning around] "Uh, Principal! Sir!" [His eyes bug. The shadow was thrown by a flashlight and a placard.]
Ed: [tearfully] "I surrender!"
[Edd, running down the hall, tucks the cards into his pack. Eddy steps in front of him.]
Eddy: [angry] "Hey! What's the big idea!"
Edd: [backing up, afraid] "I've been entrusted with a very important task, Eddy, and neither rain nor sleet nor you nor Ed shall stop me from completing this duty. I'm sure your parents will be very understanding and–"
Ed: [beseeching] "I'm going to have to live with my aunt! She has a mustache, Double D!"
Eddy: [demanding] "Gimme those report cards!"
Ed: [unhappy] "Her cat makes me sneeze and she never butters my toast!"
Eddy: [frustrated] "The cards! Now!"
Ed: [wailing] "She smells like cabbage and she makes me use toothpicks!"
Eddy: [roaring] "GIMME EM!"
[Edd breaks free and runs down the hall. The bell rings.]
Edd: "Math class! Yes! Sanctuary!" [He runs down the hall to the class.]
Eddy: "Math class! Yes, we got him!"
[Edd grabs the doorknob, turns it, and walks in calmly. Ed and Eddy compose themselves and follow Edd in. Eddy sets an apple on the teacher's desk. Eddy sits on Edd's left, and Ed sits on Edd's right. Eddy smiles at a scared Edd menacingly, while Ed gazes with puppy-dog eyes.]
[This seating arrangement continues throughout the day, through wood shop...]
[...and the final class of the day, cooking. The clock ticks closer and closer to the final bell, but Edd raises his hand at the last minute.]
Edd: "Pardon me, sir, may I be excused to the restroom? Thank you."
[Edd takes off, escaping his lecherous friends.]
Eddy: [angry] "Sucker punch!"
[Edd races down the hall, heading for the door.]
Edd: "Now if I could just get to the outside before the final bell!"
[The bell rings and the kids trample Edd in a rush to get out.]
Jonny: "Race you home, buddy!"
Lee: "Meatloaf Monday, girls!"
Marie: "Last one home files Mom's bunyons!"
May: "No bunyons for me, I'm on a diet."
[The doors slam shut and Ed and Eddy approach from each side, ready to capture Edd.]
Eddy: "Weasel-boy's still inside, Ed. Once he comes out, let him have it! Then I'll grab the report cards."
[Edd cowers just inside the door, fearful.]
Rolf: "ED-BOY!" [Edd, startled, leaps to the ceiling.] "Rolf asks a favor from you." [He picks up a typewriter.] "Have mercy, and hold Rolf's rucksack so that Rolf can carry this cursed menace home for further torment!"
[The door creaks open. Eddy leaps into the air, brandishing his weapon, but stops, seeing who it is.]
Eddy: "Rolf?" [Ed scoops Rolf up in a butterfly net.]
Ed: "Got him, Eddy! Good for me!"
Eddy: "You idiot! Does Rolf look like Double D?"
[Ed looks at Rolf and ponders a minute]
Ed: "Maybe with a hat?"
[A frustrated Eddy jams his traffic cone over Ed's head and peers inside the school. He turns around and calls Rolf.]
Eddy: "Hey Rolfy! You seen Double D?"
Rolf: [nervous] "Double D Ed-boy? Um, I am an innocent son of a shepherd. Heh I know nothing. Goodbye."
[The seams on his rucksack begin to tear. They break loose, and its contents spill out on the football field. The last to come out is the typewriter. Edd falls out of it like a sheet of paper.]
Eddy: "It's the rat! Get him, Ed!"
Rolf: "Run, Ed-boy! Run like the wind!"
[Kevin is in the parking lot, polishing his bike. He finishes and turns to Nazz.]
Kevin: "Choice. Cruise, or lose?"
Nazz: "Hey, cruise or lose! That rhymes!" [Edd comes by and steals the bike.]
Edd: "Please forgive me, but this is an emergency!"
Kevin: "Hey, get back here with my bike!" [Ed and Eddy run him over.]
Ed: "Beep beep!"
[Edd bikes through the construction site and into the lane. Suddenly, a garland lands around his neck.]
Jimmy: "Throw me something, mister! Okay, here you go!" [He throws garlands at a peanut gallery of toys.] "Welcome to Sarah and Jimmy's After-School Carnival! Tea and cake for everybody!"
Edd: [caught in the slow-moving parade] "Pardon me! Excuse me! Slow-moving vehicle to the right please!"
Jimmy: "Sarah! Rabblerousers!"
Sarah: "What?" [She turns and heads for Edd.]
[Eddy and Ed pass Edd, who has turned around. Eddy points to Ed to turn around.]
Eddy: "Thattaway, Ed!"
Ed: "Which-a-way, Eddy?"
Eddy: [seeing Ed's sister] "Sarah!"
Ed: "Sarah not good for Ed!"
[Ed turns around, destroying several fences in the process.]
Eddy: "Go, Lumpy, go!"
[Edd is riding back past the school when Kevin's bike is lifted off the ground by Kevin.]
Kevin: "Any last words before I pound ya?"
[Edd does not need any last words, as his friends run over Kevin again. Eddy catches Edd. In a stroke of luck, or unfortunate coincidence, Kevin's bicycle lands on Sarah, causing a wreck.]
Ed: "Beep beep!"
Eddy: [as they enter the woods] "End of the road, mister do-gooder! Hand over those report cards!"
[Edd rifles through his bag and pulls out an umbrella. He hooks it around a branch, and this forces his friends to let go of him. Edd flies away, but he opens the umbrella and uses it to float down far away.]
Eddy: [awed] "How'd he do that?"
Ed: [tearful] "He's too smart for us, Eddy!" [He blows his nose on Eddy.] "We will never catch him!"
Eddy: "Don't count your biscuits before they hatch, Lumpy! Sockhead may be smart, but he's weak! And he'll never deliver those report cards alive!" [He laughs evilly.]
Ed: [hugging Eddy] "I'M ALIVE, EDDY, I'M ALIVE!"
[Edd drifts down in the construction site and takes off. He comes to the edge of a giant hole and stops and sees Eddy and Ed at the bottom of the hole with Ed still digging.]
Eddy: [at the bottom of the hole with Ed] "Dudley Do-The-Right-Thing doesn't have a chance, Ed. It's brawn over brains, I tell ya." [He spots Edd.] "Ah ha! You're trapped! There's no escaping now, smart guy! Hand over those report cards!"
[Edd, perplexed by the stupidity of this plan, simply detours around the edge of the hole, escaping easily.]
Eddy: "He's getting away!" [He angrily kicks Ed.] "You shoulda dug deeper!"
[Ed lands on Eddy.]
[A tired Edd wheezes along the lane. Suddenly, a trailer dragged by Ed gets in his way.]
Eddy: "Just like our report cards, you failed!"
[Inside the trailer, the Kankers are eating meatloaf. Suddenly, Edd runs through.]
Edd: [arm over his eyes] "Oh dear. I hope you're decent. Pardon me. Excuse me."
Eddy: "Get back here! You wiry little–"
[Lee sticks her leg out and trips Ed and Eddy.]
Eddy: [dusting himself off] "Hey! What's with you?"
Lee: "Looks like dessert showed up just in time, girls."
Marie: "Shortcake, my fave!"
May: "And a tall milkshake."
[Ed and Eddy protest as Edd escapes out the window.]
[Edd, exhausted, makes his way to a street corner and flops down.]
Edd: "Tired, so tired...I can't go on. So close..." [getting up] "I must! I will! I shall!"
[Edd makes his way to a pink house.]
Edd: "I commend your efforts, gentlemen!" [He holds up his bag.] "But as always, the sanctum of education champions the day!"
[Edd is about to ring the doorbell when the door flies open and Ed steps out. Edd is trapped.]
Eddy: [gloating] "Who's the smart guy now, huh?"
[Eddy grabs the bag and hunts through it. Edd smiles a knowing smile.]
Eddy: "What the–where'd the report cards go?"
[A bugle plays poorly in the center of the cul-de-sac. The Urban Rangers have gathered there.]
Jimmy: "Congratulations, Ranger Rolf, on your task well completed. It is an honor to present to you the Report Card Delivery badge!"
Rolf: [satisfied] "Thank you, yes, is good, thank you, thank you. Rolf is pleased." [Ed claps.]
Eddy: [stunned] "Our report cards?"
Edd: "Honestly, I just feel sick about all this. But when the principal asked me to take on this responsibility, I had no other recourse than to accept! And risk you being upset for your own good."
[Eddy advances angrily on Edd. Suddenly, a giant arm reaches out and clamps down on Eddy's wrists.]
Eddy: [scared] "Dad? Wait! Um, the grades are in Greek this year! I did good! I swear!" [Eddy's father drags him away.]
[Another giant arm, this one dainty and female, reaches out. The fingers clamp on Ed's ear and drag him away.]
Ed: "Uh oh." [beseechingly] "No auntie for Ed! Mommy! No auntie for Ed!"
Edd: "Oh dear oh dear oh dear. I guess some lessons just have to be learned the hard way."
[Edd comes upon Kevin, who is sitting on a mangled bike.]
Kevin: "Ain't that the truth." [He laughs evilly.]