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Script


[Ed is playing with a model rocket, balancing it on his stomach.]
Ed: "All pistons are ready for a go! Astronauts are prepared and–uh oh." [He pushes the ship into his belly.] "The ship is being devoured by a mutant fat belly! Quick! Turn on your perpetual micron-orbital rocket! RUN AWAY!"
[He lets go of the ship, and it shoots off, flying all over the room. It hits Ed and flies out the window.]
Ed: "Whoops."
Strange Voice: "Hey, you."
[Ed looks everywhere, eventually turning to a table.]
Ed: "Me?"
Strange Voice: "Yeah, you. Approach me, mortal, for I am the great Baron O'Beefdip."
[Ed cowers. We see that a walkie-talkie is taped to the back of a toy monster.]
Ed: [confused, approaching the table] "Baron O'Beefdip?"
Baron O'Beefdip: "Do not perplex me. Obey my commands!"
Ed: "Commands?"
Baron O'Beefdip: "Is there an echo in here? Quick, bend over!" [Ed does as commanded and hits his head on the table.] "Pull up your feet!" [Ed pulls his feet up, falls and lands on his butt.] "Now, eat your mattress."
Ed: "Yum!"
[Ed rushes over to eat it. Edd knocks on the door and enters, Ed's rocket stuck in his ear.]
Edd: "Excuse me, Ed, but is this your–GOOD LORD MAN!"
Ed: [finishing his bed] "That hit the spot."
Edd: "Ed, what have I told you about the needless taxing of one's digestive system?"
Ed: "I must obey my master, Baron O'Beefdip."
Edd: [seeing the walkie-talkie on the back] "Guh-roan. Dear Ed, someone seems to be pulling your–"
Baron O'Beefdip: "Don't let him touch me!" [Edd pulls his hand back.] "Obey me, mortal! Wolf down the nonbeliever!" [Ed lowers the toy and looks at Edd.]
Ed: "I shall obey."
Edd: [backing away] "Um, Ed, don't you look at me like that!"
Ed: "Must eat nonbeliever!"
[Edd backs into a closet. He flings the door open to reveal Eddy, acting as the puppetmaster.]
Edd: "I knew it! You make him stop! Make him stop!"
Eddy: [into the other walkie-talkie] "Take five, mortal."
Ed: [stopping] "Gotcha, Baron guy."
Eddy: [laughing] "Hook, line, and sucker."
Edd: "Ha ha ha. And what's this prove, Eddy?"
Eddy: "That you can dupe anyone at anytime with the right bait. Put that on a T-shirt and sell it."
Edd: "Oh, please."
Eddy: [into the transmitter] "Hey, get me a sandwich, I'm starved."
Ed: "I shall obey, master!" [Ed runs out to do Eddy's bidding, though slams himself onto the opposite side of his door. Eddy cackles hysterically.]
Edd: "Your hypothesis is flawed, Eddy." [Eddy stops laughing as a dazed Ed heads upstairs backwards.] "This is Ed we're talking about."
Eddy: [let down] "Gee, y'know Double D, you're right." [He removes the walkie-talkie from Baron O'Beefdip's back.] "And when you're right, you're not wrong. Pity my measly soul, for lost in the stench of Loserville I am." [He looks at Edd, smiling a hidden grin.]
Edd: "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Eddy. Shall we–"
Eddy: "Try it out before you open your big fat mouth?"
[Ed clamps a gigantic, disgusting sandwich around his toy monster.]
Ed: "Baron O'Beefdip is pleased now!"


Jimmy: "I gotcha, you little scamp!"
[Jimmy is trying to catch a butterfly while riding his tricycle. Each time, the butterfly turns around and floats out of his reach. Jimmy has to turn around several times, but never catches it. A mailbox suddenly speaks.]
Mailbox: "Hey, you!"
Jimmy: "Me?"
Mailbox: "Yeah you!"
Jimmy: "You?" [He points at the mailbox.]
Mailbox: "My name's Marty Mailbox."
[Jimmy rubs his eyes disbelievingly.]
Marty Mailbox: "I got some inside info on the hootenaniest, most countrified barn-blast in town."
Jimmy: "I don't know what that means!"
Marty Mailbox: "Just bring your friends down to the woods!" [Jimmy looks around.] "Move it or lose it!"
Jimmy: [running off] "Okay, Mr. Mailbox!"


[Sarah is drawing a picture in her room. Jimmy rushes in.]
Jimmy: "Hurry, Sarah! Come quick!" [He drags Sarah away.]


[Kevin is showing off his muscles to Nazz.]
Kevin: "Not too shabby, huh Nazz?"
Nazz: [unimpressed] "If you say so."
Jimmy: [rushing past] "Marty Mailbox told me it was in the woods!"
Sarah: "I bet."
Nazz: "What's with Jimmy?"
Jimmy: [leading the kids through the woods] "A gosh-darn mailbox, Sarah! It just rattled on!"
Sarah: "Ew, look!" [She points to something hanging from a tree.] "Is that a possum?"
Jimmy: "You believe me, don't you? It talked, it did! Honest!"
Nazz: "Get real, Jimmy. A mailbox told you to come here?" [The kids have wandered into an obvious scam.]
Jonny: "Holy cow, Plank! Look at the size of the raccoon!"
[There is a giant placard with a raccoon painted on it and a sign reading "Raccoon Round-Up."]
Kevin: "Looks like a bloated squirrel."
Jimmy: "Raccoons are so cute. They wear little masks. Like robbers!"
Edd: "Howdy! And welcome to Raccoon Round-Up!"
Eddy: [as a hick] "And for a cotton-pickin quarter, all you cotton-pickin city folk can cotton-pickin catch yer very own raccoon!"
Jonny: "To keep?"
Rolf: "Ed-boy! Rolf will pick the cotton and accept this challenge!" [Eddy grabs the proffered quarter.]
Edd: "Um, shall we mosey on over, neighbor?"
[Edd shows Rolf the setup, which is basically a mounted slingshot.]
Edd: "In order to bag this nocturnal verminous mammal, you have three chances at slaying the critter, with these marshmallows!" [He pulls up a bag full of marshmallows.]
Rolf: "Marsh mallows?"
Jimmy, Jonny, Sarah, & Nazz: "Marshmallows!"
Eddy: "Not the marshmallows!"
Edd: "Not to worry! They're past their expiry date."
Rolf: "Rolf wishes to use his lucky Great Nano kidney stone keychain."
Nazz: "What did he say that was?"
Eddy: "Thattaboy, Rolf! Keep your eye on that bush, because raccoons are quick." [He triggers the game.]
Ed: "Whoa!"
Rolf: "Rolf sees it!" [Ed the raccoon runs to another fake bush. After a few seconds, he goes behind another one. He then comes to stand right in front of a bush.] "Goodbye, Pinocchio."
Jonny: "STOP!" [He runs and stands in front of Ed.] "Don't even think about hurting this poor defenseless creature!"
Eddy: "Hey, get outta the way!" [He tries to pull Jonny off Ed.]
Jonny: "No!"
Eddy: "Get off!"
Jonny: "No!"
Eddy: "Let go!"
Jonny: "No!"
Nazz: "Jonny's right! Where do you get off?"
Sarah: "What a couple of clucks."
Jimmy: "Oh look, Sarah! I think it likes me!" [to Ed] "Would you like a bite of my baguette?"
Sarah: "For Pete's sake, Jimmy, wake up!" [She grabs Ed.] "It's just my stupid brother!"
Ed: [as the kids leave] "Come again!"
Eddy: "Wait! Don't go!" [The kids continue to leave.] "He had me fooled too! Honest!" [Nazz leaves.] "At least he stank like a filthy vermin!" [Kevin walks out.]
Kevin: "Real smooth, Farmer Dork. E-I-E-I-O."
[Rolf comes along and takes his quarter out of Eddy's pocket.]
Rolf: "Neer-do-well!"
[Eddy lies on the ground, annoyed by his defeat.]
Edd: [hauling Eddy upright] "You know what they say, Eddy. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time."
Eddy: "That was Triple-A, Double D! A five-star scam."
Edd: "Let's chalk this down to experience, Eddy. No more raccoons, agreed?"
Eddy: "That's it! It was the stupid raccoon. I was right, as usual. We'll just tweak the scam a little, they won't know what hit 'em!"
Edd: [excited] "This should prove monotonous!"


[Jonny is next to a steaming can of garbage. He is looking at the sky. Plank comes down and lands.]
Tree: "Hey, you!"
Jonny: "Me?"
Tree: "Yeah, you!"
Jonny: [to the tree] "You?"
Tree: "My name's Teddy Treebark. Tired of being the neighborhood poltroon? Wanna save the world and be a hero for the first time in your stinkin life?"
Jonny: "You betcha!"
Teddy Treebark: "Just bring your friends down to the woods. What're you waiting for?"
Jonny: "I'm on it, Teddy!"


[Jonny is racing pell-mell through the woods.]
Jonny: "Teddy said it was this way, everybody!" [Jonny looks at the modified possum.] "Oh look Plank, a mutant!"
Kevin: "Get real, Jonny. We've been here before. I think." [All the standees have been modified with some extra limbs, or an extra eye, or something that makes them look mutated.]
Jonny: "Holy cow, Plank, look at the size of that alien!"
[The placard has been changed as well; the raccoon is still easily visible and can be reconstructed with a little imagination. The sign now reads "Mutant Land."]
Sarah: "Is that a raccoon?"
Kevin: "Pathetic."
Jimmy: "Aliens are icky, Sarah! They ooze slime, don't they?"
Edd: [in a hazmat suit] "Greetings, and welcome to Mutant Land."
Eddy: [also in yellow rubber] "And, for an interstellar quarter, all you brave interstellar toxic soldiers can catch your very own brain-sucking mutant!"
Jonny: "Where's Teddy Treebark?"
Eddy: "Uh..." [He zips over to Rolf.] "How 'bout it, Toxic Rolf? You like challenges."
Rolf: [angry] "Lucky for you, Rolf cannot deny a challenge! One more try." [Eddy takes the quarter.]
Edd: "I believe you're familiar with our facility."


[Edd and Rolf are at the shooting stand.]
Edd: "In order to capture said mutant, you have three attempts with these anti-matter marshmallows."
[The kids look on, bored, now knowing they've seen this one before.]
Kevin: "Forget the marshmallows, Rolf. Use my dad's lucky ball-peen, man." [He gives Rolf a hammer.]
[Rolf triggers the game and Ed hops out. Ed stops much earlier.]
Rolf: "Rolf sees it! Say bye-bye, scourge from the beyond."
Jonny: "Don't even think about it!" [He rips the hammer away.] "Mutants have feelings too, you know!"
Eddy: [bitter] "What, again?"
Sarah: "This is the same as the last one! Let's go, Jimmy." [The kids walk away.]
Eddy: [running after them] "Wait, don't go! There's a twist. Check it–" [Rolf's foot meets Eddy's behind, and Eddy shoots up into the air. Rolf's quarter falls out of the scammer's pocket, and Rolf takes it back.] "wwwwwwwwaaaaAAAAAAAOOOOOOO–" [Eddy hits the ground.]
Ed: "I come in–" [He trips over the shooting table and lands on Eddy.] "–peace, Earth-dwellers!"
Eddy: [heaving the mutant off and despairing] "We were so close!"
Edd: "They won't know what hit 'em. Weren't those your words, Eddy?"
Eddy: [confident] "Good memory, elephant brain. 'Cause this time they really won't! Let's tweak it some more!"
Edd: "Oh, he's so stubborn!"


Rock: "Hey you!" [Nazz lowers her magazine.] "Yeah, you!" [Nazz walks over to the rock.]


[Nazz, Sarah, Jimmy and Jonny are walking through the woods. They see the possum, now as a hunk of meat, and all but Jonny turn back.]
Eddy: [voiceover] "Come on down to get your very own hunk of meat at Meat Mania!"
Sarah: "Oh brother."
Nazz: "This is stupid."
[Jonny comes to the placard. Now, the sign reads "Meat Mania" and the entrance is covered with pictures of various cuts of meat. Sickened, he and Plank look at each other.]


Barrel: "Hey, you!" [Rolf looks on questioningly.] "You heard me right!"


[Jonny and Rolf are walking through the woods again. This time, the possum is a gigantic fly.]
Eddy: [voiceover] "Be the first one on your block to own your very own pest, at Cockroach Country!"
[Jonny turns around when he sees the fly. Rolf makes it to the placard, which now has pictures of the repulsive arthropods all over it, before he turns around again.]


[Eddy kicks open the doors of Jogging Pants World.]
Eddy: "Welcome to–"
[Eddy stops. Nobody even showed up to this scam. Meanwhile, the sun is sinking low in the sky.]


[Sarah is getting a bowl from the cabinet.]
Chunky Puff Box: "Hey, you!" [Sarah looks behind her.] "Yeah, you!" [Sarah turns the box around to reveal Eddy's walkie-talkie.] "Ever wandered the amazing world of freezer burn?"


[Sarah is tromping through the woods angrily, walkie-talkie in hand. The scam is something called "Fridge Land."]
Eddy: [costumed as a bottle of milk] "Welcome to Fridge Land!"
[Sarah throws the walkie-talkie in his face, knocking Eddy out of the costume. Inside, Ed is sleeping in his cheese costume, and Edd is looking bored in a broccoli costume.]
Eddy: "Fine! Run away! It's your loss, 'cause this scam is gold. A-Number 1, baby! Or at least it will be, after we tweak it some more."
Ed: "Oh, come on, Eddy! I really need to go to the bathroom!"


[It is now nighttime. Wilfred is staring at a pumpkin placed on a stump.]
Pumpkin: "Hey, you! Missed out on how to scrub a bowl?"
[The scene changes, showing first the path and then the scam. Comically, the possum has been replaced with a toilet seat.]
Voiceover: "Then flush on down to Bathroom World!"
[A flush sound is heard.]
Ed: "Ready for tweaking, Eddy!"

Season 3 Scripts
"Wish You Were Ed" • "Momma's Little Ed" • "Once Upon an Ed" • "For Your Ed Only" • "It Came From Outer Ed" • "3 Squares and an Ed" • "Dueling Eds" • "Dim Lit Ed" • "Will Work for Ed" • "Ed, Ed and Away" • "X Marks the Ed" • "From Here to Ed" • "Boys Will Be Eds" • "Ed or Tails" • "Gimme, Gimme Never Ed" • "My Fair Ed" • "Rock-a-Bye Ed" • "O-Ed Eleven" • "The Luck of the Ed" • "Ed... Pass it On..." • "Brother, Can You Spare an Ed?" • "The Day the Ed Stood Still" • "If It Smells Like an Ed" • "Don't Rain on My Ed" • "Once Bitten, Twice Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide

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