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Script


[Edd is in his pristine bathroom, taking a bath. He reaches up to get a loofah and vigorously scrubs at his arm. He then looks closely at it and is horrified by the small speck of dirt he sees.]
Edd: "Oh dear...STUBBORN GRASS STAINS!"


[Eddy is in his shower.]
Eddy: [singing] "Bop bop bop bow bow boo bowp, bowp bowp ba beep bap boo!" [He picks up a bar of soap.] "Yeah! Wow!" [The soap slips out of his hands and goes skyward.] "YEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
[The soap falls into his mouth and slides down his throat. He shortly thereafter begins foaming at the mouth.]


[Ed is in his very dirty, dingy, grody, disgusting bathroom. Ed stands in the middle of it.]
Ed: "Hmm. Now what did I come in here for?" [He shrugs and walks off.]


[Edd is carrying sugar and a jug to a stand, which collapses as he approaches.]
Edd: "May I help?"
Eddy: "Stand back, let the pro do it." [he fixes the stand] "Time to quench thirst! For cash." [He leans on the stand, and it collapses.]


[Edd is measuring sugar.]
Edd: "One, two three grains of sugar."
[We see that Eddy has nailed the leg to the table.]
Ed: [darting up] "Am I late?"
Eddy: "Just in time, Ed!" [He reaches under the table and gets a sign.] "Put this sign up!" [The sign reads "En-O-Gee Drinks.]
Ed: "Like this?"
Eddy: "No! Higher!" [As he helps Ed adjust the sign, his arm is in Ed's armpit. He sniffs it, and the stench makes him leap back a few feet.] "Ed! You smell like a gym bag! When was the last time you had a bath?"
Ed: "I forget."
[Eddy comes over to Edd, who is still measuring the first spoonful.]
Eddy: "So Double D, those drinks ready?" [He slaps Edd on the back, causing Edd to spill his spoonful.]
Edd: "Eddy, please! I'm counting the sugar!" [He adds some sugar and goes back to counting while Eddy walks off. Eddy comes back with a bag full of sugar and pours it all in.] "1...2...4...5...6...75...76...77. A perfect measurement!" [He adds it in and stirs.]
Ed: "Can I help?"
[Edd gets a whiff but doesn't say anything.]
Ed: [picking up the sugar jar] "Add some of this!" [He tries to pour it in, but Edd protects the drink, so it all gets spilled on Edd's hat.]
Edd: "Please, Ed, that's too much sugar."
[Ed puts the sugar bowl down. Edd sniffs it and is shocked by the odor. He then sniffs the drink and looks accusingly at Ed.]
Edd: "Go away please, I'll taste it."
Ed: "Okay."
Edd: [After Ed leaves] "Smelly smelly smelly." [He pulls out a gas mask and some air freshener.]


[Ed is standing next to Eddy, who is pinching his nose shut.]
Eddy: [to Edd, who is pouring drinks] "Hurry it up, Double D."
[Edd pours a last cupful and takes a sip. The sugar hits him almost immediately, and he takes off like a rocket into the sky.]
Ed: "Whoa, look at him go, Eddy!" [He points at Edd. This action requires him to lift his arm, and Eddy gets a full-on blast of his armpit stench.]
Edd: [landing, hyper] "Great beverage!"
Eddy: "Huh?"
Edd: "Customers, Eddy."
Ed: "Can I be the sales Ed?"
Eddy: "No way! You'll screw it up."
Edd: "Eddy, it can't hurt!"
Eddy: [grumpily, putting words in Ed's mouth] "Ladies and gentlemen."
Ed: [yelling] "Ladies and gentlemen!"
Eddy: "Come buy a delicious."
Ed: "Come buy a deciduous!"
Eddy: "En-o-gee drink."
Ed: "Hello!"
[Kevin and Nazz walk up.]
Ed: [to them] "I'm the sales Ed."
Kevin: "Energy drinks?"
Ed: "Here, try some!" [He picks up the jug and puts it through one of the sign's poles.] "Oops! I got it."
Eddy: "Ed!" [Ed, trying to fix it, puts a foot through the stand's desk.] "Ed!" [The stand falls over as Nazz laughs. Ed then grabs the jug in his teeth and tries to fix the stand. He only manages to break it further, and finishes up by spilling all of the drinks.]
Nazz: [still laughing] "I think I'll pass."
Kevin: "Real smooth, dork." [they both walk away]
Eddy: [superbly angry] "ED! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?"
Ed: "Drink, mister?"
Eddy: [clutching his forehead] "What are we going to do with you?"
Edd: [still hyper] "How about a complete image makeover?"
Eddy: [considering it] "Yeah. Under my supervision, you will become the definition of cool!" [He sniffs the air.] "Follow me, stinky."


[Ed is sitting in a wagon, naked.]
Ed: "Is sitting naked in a wagon cool?"
Eddy: "No, skunk-pits, it isn't."
[The camera zooms out to show an intricate series of ropes and pulleys designed to wash Ed.]
Edd: [still hyper, examining the stages] "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Everything's ready!"
[Eddy hits the wagon with a baseball bat, sending Ed to the first stage. Soapy brushes proceed to cover him in soap bubbles. Edd then pushes Ed to the next stage, where a bucket of water is dumped on him.]
Ed: "AAH! COLD!"
Eddy: [pulling off his mask] "Is it safe?"
Edd: [pulling his off as well] "Yes!"
Eddy: "Sweet!"
Edd: [after combing his hair] "Voila!"
Ed: "Wow! Am I cool now?"
Eddy: "No, you're naked. We gotta get you some new threads."


[Eddy flips on a light in his bedroom. We are seeing his bedroom through a door. Eddy then flips on the light in the room we're in.]
Eddy: "Welcome to my closet of dreams!" [The room is revealed as a gigantic closet.] "Double D, measure him up."
Edd: [still hyper] "Hold still please. Uh-huh. 154. 75."
Eddy: [examining a shirt] "Hmm. Too old."
Edd: [measuring Ed's head] "One six."
Eddy: "Hmm. Not bad."
Edd: "Sixty-five."
Eddy: "This'll do." [He heads towards them carrying clothes in his arms.]
Edd: [wrapped up in measuring tape] "Um, help!"
Eddy: "Okay, gruesome, try these!" [He throws the clothes at Ed.]


Edd: [under Eddy's bed] "Woo-hoo!"
Eddy: [impatient] "C'mon, Ed, let's see already!"
[Ed steps out, dressed in the clothes Eddy chose.]
Eddy: "Hey, not bad!" [Ed smiles, and suddenly looks somewhat cool.]


[The Eds are outside.]
Eddy: "Next, some cool moves." [he poses] "Jing!"
Ed: "Yeah, that's a good one!"
Eddy: "Try it!"
Ed: [imitating him] "Ha."
Eddy: "Not bad. Try this." [He does a knee slide.] "Cool."
Ed: [pulling the same move but landing on Eddy] "Cool!"
Eddy: [slipping out from under him] "Good work!" [He poses again.] "That's it." [He pulls another pose. Copying it, Ed bashes him on the head.] "Ow OW!"
Ed: [clutching his head to copy him] "AAAHH!"
Edd: [hyper, reappearing with a clipboard] "Bravo, Ed! I've compiled a list of supercool phrases–Oooh! That's a good one!" [He scribbles something down.] "–that you can use in any–Oh! I'm brilliant!" [He writes another note.] "–situation." [He hands Ed the sheet of paper.]
Eddy: "So far so good! You're ready for a test drive."


[The Eds are in the lane.]
Eddy: "Just stick to what we showed you, and you'll be cool."
Ed: "Yep. I mean–" [he checks Edd's notes] "I'm hip baby."
Eddy: "Make me proud, big guy!"
Edd: "Someone's coming!" [Jimmy can be heard approaching. Edd and Eddy hide in some trashcans.]
Jimmy: [to Ed, who is leaning against the fence whistling] "Hello, mister!"
Ed: "Swiggity swag, what's in the bag?"
Jimmy: [scared] "ED! Is-is Eddy here?"
Ed: [after glancing at his notes] "Just me, myself and I, or I don't fly!"
Jimmy: [giggling] "Come play with us, Ed!"
Ed: "Sounds like a plan, little man!"
Eddy: [peeking out] "Whoa! It worked!"
Edd: "Something actually worked!"
Eddy: "Let's check it out." [They run off to check it out.]


[The kids are gathered further down the lane.]
Jimmy: [coming up to them] "Hey, guys! Recognize this big lug?" [He points to Ed.]
The Kids: "Huh?"
Jimmy: "It's Ed!"
The Kids: "Hey!"
Ed: "Peek-a-baloo, I see all, too."
Rolf: [feeling his jacket] "Ed, you look so suave."
Nazz: "I like your hair Ed."
Ed: "Don't smell it, just gel it."
Kevin: [cynical] "Just what are you up to?"
Ed: "5'9'', give or take." [He plays with his earlobe. The kids all laugh. Kevin, sensing he's the odd man out, smiles and goes with the flow.]
Nazz: [leading him away] "C'mon, Ed, I'd love to hear more of those witty Ed-isms."
Rolf: [coming along] "Ya, tell me some too, Ed."
Sarah: "C'mon, Ed!"
Jimmy: [in their wake] "Tell me some too, Ed!"
Kevin: "Hang with us, Ed."
Eddy: [observing] "Wow, did you see that? They can't get enough of him!" [scheming] "Perfect."


[A sign, planted in a yard, reads "Meet Ed the Great! 25¢". Jonny walks by with Plank, humming a tune. They enter a shed. Eddy is just inside the door, shaking a jar full of coins.]
Jonny: "Hey Eddy are we late for the Ed show?"
Eddy: "Not if you pay 25 cents."
Jonny: [dropping a coin in the jar] "Here you go, Eddy."
[Eddy smiles but then realizes something's wrong.]
Eddy: "HOLD IT! Plank forgot to pay."


The Kids: [chanting] "Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!"
Rolf: [as the kids continue the chant] "Let me wait no longer!"
Ed: [peeking out from behind the stage curtain] "Hiya, folks!" [The kids cheer.] "Waggidy-doo! I'm too hot to use in a pot! Slick me back, cause I'm happening."
Edd: [happy] "Ed is a sellout!"
Eddy: "We'll dig him for the encore."
[The door bursts open and the Kankers walk in.]
Lee: "We forgot our money."
Eddy: "Kankers." [Edd gasps, and the kids turn around.]
Ed: [still performing] "Yabba dabba crackers!"
Lee: [approaching the stage] "Ooh, Ed the Great." [getting in his face] "I'm waiting." [to a dumbstruck Ed] "Say something."
May: "Yeah, say something funny!"
Marie: "Funny and smart!"
[Ed can't think of anything, so he pulls out his page and looks at it.]
Ed: [scouring the page] "Um, okay. Um–"
May: [snatching the piece of paper] "Give me that! Yabba dabba? Hey, you're cheating!"
Marie: "I like cheaters!" [She spins him out of his jacket into one of the curtains.]
Ed: "Eddy?" [He pulls the curtain down on himself. The kids gasp.]
Edd: "Oh my."
Ed: "Who turned out the lights?" [Eddy slaps himself on the forehead. Ed stumbles into Lee, who pushes him away. Eddy and Edd both run to stop him.]
Eddy: "Ed! Look out!" [Ed falls down, and Edd and Eddy run into each other.] "Ed! You gotta show to do!" [He pulls a piece of the curtain off of Ed's head.]
Ed: "Hey Eddy."
Eddy: [desperate, he pushes Ed back to center stage] "Get back out there!" [Ed falls in the middle of the stage.]
May: "Let us help you up."
Marie: "Yeah, lets!" [They help him up and then rip his clothes off, effectively pantsing him. The Eds gasp, and then Lee pushes Ed back.]
Eddy: "Watch it!" [Ed runs into them, and they all fall into a wheelbarrow of manure. The barrow rolls forward, right in front of the kids.]
Sarah: "You all STINK!"
Rolf: [pinching his nose] "Yoy!"
[The kids exit quickly.]
Ed: [pulling at his undershirt] "Do you like my shirt?"
Lee: "Hey, Shakespeare. Great show. Worth every penny." [She jingles the jar of money.]
Eddy: "My money!" [The wheelbarrow tips over.] "Give it back!"
Lee: [exiting, her sisters in tow] "Have fun in the mud, you three little piggies!"
Eddy: "AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" [He runs after them.]
Lee: "Thanks again." [She pulls the door shut, and Eddy runs into it. He then slumps to the floor, beaten.]


[The Eds are outside the candy store. Ed is happy as ever, Edd is holding a block of ice to his head, and Eddy is grumpy.]
Eddy: "I don't believe it. All that money! All that fame! Gone."
Edd: "Would you please lower your voice? Those drinks left me with a very painful headache."
Ed: "Hey guys?"
Eddy: [grumpy] "What is it?"
Ed: "I say, the cheese is always twice the fence post!"
Eddy: "I wish I had a fence post, Ed."

Season 1 Scripts
"The Ed-Touchables" • "Nagged to Ed" • "Pop Goes the Ed" • "Over Your Ed" • "Sir Ed-a-Lot" • "A Pinch to Grow an Ed" • "Dawn of the Eds" • "Virt-Ed-Go" • "Read All About Ed" • "Quick Shot Ed" • "An Ed Too Many" • "Ed-n-Seek" • "Look Into My Eds" • "Tag Yer Ed" • "Fool on the Ed" • "A Boy and His Ed" • "It's Way Ed" • "Laugh Ed Laugh" • "A Glass of Warm Ed" • "Flea-Bitten Ed" • "Who, What, Where, Ed" • "Keeping up with the Eds" • "Eds-Aggerate" • "Oath to an Ed" • "Button Yer Ed" • "Avast Ye Eds"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide

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