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Script


[It is late at night. In the Kankers' trailer, the sisters are snoring away peacefully. Suddenly, a noise awakens them.]
Marie: "What the heck was that!?!"
[The sisters open their bedroom door and look downstairs. The noises continue, and an empty can rolls out of a darkened room.]
May: "Somebody's in the kitchen, Lee!"


Lee: [entering the kitchen with a swordfish] "Ah-ha!" [Nobody is there, although the room is a mess. A window swings, demonstrating how the thief made his exit.] "Hey, where ya goin?"
Marie: "Yeah, we ain't done with you yet!"
Lee: [looking at the kitchen] "Typical. Whoever it was sure is a slob."
Marie: "Why is it always the good ones that get away?"
Lee: "That crumb ain't worth shedding tears over, Marie."
Marie: "Yeah. His loss. It's gonna take May forever to clean this mess!" [She and Lee laugh.]
Lee: "May. Good one."
[They stop laughing. May is standing at the kitchen door, looking up. In her eyes is a look of shock. Her sisters join her, and they fixate on a missing item: a ship in a bottle.]
Lee and Marie: "Holy Toledo!"
May: "Wait, let's see!" [They try to pull it off the wall.]
Lee: "Leggo."
Marie: "It's mine!" [They pull the holder off the wall.]
May: "I got it!"
Marie: "Back off!"
Lee: "Enough already!" [She grabs the board.] "Somebody shanghaied our ship in a bottle!"
May: "It's our family heirloom!" [weeping] "We used to play with it on bath night at the old homestead!"
Marie: "I say we call the cops!"
May: [rushing to the phone] "What number do you dial for 9-1-1?"
Lee: [smashing the phone] "No cops! I say we pay our neighbors a little visit, and find our bottle. Kanker-style." [She laughs evilly.]


[Rolf has harnessed a giant sausage to a wagon and is sitting atop it while Victor pulls.]
Rolf: "Rolf's giant wiener will fetch a pretty penny at the market, yes Victor?"
[Victor suddenly stops moving.]
Rolf: "Victor, why have you stopped?"
[His pig starts squealing. He looks and sees it running in circles. His chickens then start rioting in their coop. Rolf, sensing that something big is coming, holds a chicken's cooked leg to his ear. He becomes fearful, and in a fit he grabs his animals and throws them into his cellar.]
Rolf: "HAVE MERCY ON OUR MISERABLE SOULS!" [He slams the cellar doors shut.]


[Kevin opens his fridge and shows the contents to Edd and Eddy.]
Kevin: "I believe this belongs to you?" [He indicates Ed, who is sleeping in the almost empty fridge.]
Edd: [as Eddy laughs] "Sleepwalking again? We'll have Ed vacated ASAP, Kevin."
Kevin: "Lucky for you dorks I got chores to do, or I woulda had to pound you."
Edd: "Oh Ed? Ed? Rise and shine, sleepyhead."
[Eddy pushes Edd out of the way and blows through a horn.]
Ed: "Private Do-Not-Enter is ready for duty, Chief!" [He salutes. A bottle with a ship inside is stuck to his finger.]
Edd: "Ed? You seem to have garnered a memento from your slumbered stroll."
Ed: "I did?"
Eddy: "Ain't you caused enough trouble? It's junk. Get rid of it." [He tosses it behind him. Because the bottle is attached to Ed's finger, it boomerangs back, hitting Eddy on the back of the head.]
Ed: "It likes me, Eddy."
Edd: "Inanimate objects don't like, Ed." [measuring his stuck finger] "Just as I suspected, Eddy. Ed's swollen finger will thwart any attempt at removing this bottle."
Eddy: "Well I'll give it a twart!"
[He moves off. Outside the window, many objects, including bushes and cars, fly by. The cul-de-sac erupts into chaos. The Kankers then pass by, having apparently caused the damage. Nazz, sweeping a sidewalk, watches them enter a house.]
Nazz: "What's their problem?"
[The house explodes, and large cracks in the earth appear.]
Jimmy: "It's a Kanker Hissy Fit!" [Screaming, he heads indoors. Nazz is quick to enter her house as well. Jimmy gazes out fearfully from a window in his room.]
Sarah: [being tortured outside] "AAH! GET AWAY FROM ME! JIMMY!"
Jimmy: "It's the end of the world as we know it!"
[His door suddenly flies open.]
Lee: [standing in the doorway] "Make it easy on yourself, curlique, and cough it up."
Marie: "Let's just find it the hard way, Lee."
Jimmy: "Huh? Hard way?"


[Just outside Jimmy's house, Eddy is pulling at Ed's stuck finger, trying to remove the bottle.]
Eddy: "Let go of it, stupid!"
Ed: "It's a fighter, Eddy!"
Edd: "If I might make a suggestion–"
Eddy: "It's under control, back off!" [Ed is now clinging to a tree.]
Edd: "But Eddy, this is simple–"
Eddy: "I said it's under control!"
[Ed's finger is now wrapped around a grove of five trees. Suddenly, Ed's finger snaps through the five trees, cutting through them cleanly. With no buffers, Eddy is pulled against the original tree, and he falls. The other trees then pile up on top of him.]
Edd: "Eddy! Are you alright?"
Eddy: [dazed] "Ha ha! One bottle, hold Ed's finger!" [Ed's finger is still stuck.] "What the?"
Edd: "Eddy, wouldn't it be easier to dab a little soap on Ed's finger and–"
Ed: "SOAP! YUCK! FRESH! CLEAN! NASTY!" [He runs away, through several backyards.] "NO SOAP!" [He cuts in front of Kevin, who is mowing his back lawn. Kevin has to stop the motor to let him and his friends through.]
Eddy: "Get back here!"
Edd: "Pardon us, Kevin."
Kevin: "IF I SEE YOU ONE MORE TIME, I'LL–dorks."
[Kevin resumes mowing. The Kankers suddenly push the boards of his fence away, and enter. The boards slam shut, and Ed runs along the lane behind Kevin's house, narrowly avoiding the Kankers.]


Ed: "Bad soap, evil soap, slippery sudsy scary soap!"
Eddy: [stopping the chase] "Okay, Ed. You win." [He hides the soap behind Edd's back.] "See? Soap's gone."
Edd: "Well, technically you just moved it behind my–" [Eddy slaps his hand over Edd's mouth.]
[Ed returns, warily. Suddenly, Eddy jumps on him.]
Eddy: "C'mere, you!" [They fight until Eddy has wrestled Ed to the ground.] "What are you waiting for? Soap him! Soap him!"
Edd: [approaching tentatively] "Not good, not good."
Eddy: [dazed, as Ed continues to fight] "He's putty in my hands. Soap him! Soap–"
[Ed crashes against the fence and falls into Edd.]
Ed: [holding the bottle between his toes] "I dispense with you, disgusting detergent of the deep!" [He tosses the soap away.] "For I, Ed, can remove the bottle with sticky tape."
Edd: "Sticky tape?"
Eddy: "Stick? You're already stuck, numbskull."
Ed: "And your point is?"
Eddy: [walking away] "This is stupid."
Edd: "Ed may have something, Eddy. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, you know."
Ed: "Just follow my smell, bucko!"


[The cul-de-sac is now a disaster area. An air-raid siren plays over the scene of rampant destruction. The kids run willy-nilly, trying to escape the Kankers rampage.]
Kevin: "Crazy man, crazy!"
Jonny: "Run for the hills, Plank!"


[In Sarah's room, Sarah is cowering in her toybox. Suddenly, the door bursts open.]
Ed: "Hello?"
[Sarah opens the lid a crack.]
Edd: "Ed, wouldn't it have been more polite to knock before entering your sister's room?"
Ed: "I'm in the zone, Double D." [He hunts through a drawer and pulls out some tape.] "Sticky tape!"
Sarah: "Ed!" [She reveals herself.] "Get out of my room now! Can't you see I'm hiding over here?"
Eddy: "CAN WE GET RID OF THIS BOTTLE OR WHAT?"
[Eddy grabs his friends and carries them downstairs.]
Edd: "And where exactly are we going now, Eddy?"
Eddy: "Your place, where else?"
[His friends exit just as the Kankers enter from the other side. The sisters tromp up the stairs.]
Sarah: "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO–" [She sees the Kankers and stops instantly.]


[Eddy is taping the bottle to a ceiling while Ed stands on a banister railing.]
Edd: "I don't have a good feeling about this."
Eddy: "Okay Ed, jump!"
Edd: "Wait! You don't suppose the tape will leave any unsightly residue? I mean Mother has the eyes of a hawk when it comes to adhesive resin!"
[Eddy pushes Ed off the ledge. Ed tumbles down and hits the ground hard. The part of the ceiling he was taped to is ripped away.]
Edd: "Oh dear."
Eddy: "Don't sweat it, Ed. My dad's got a hacksaw!"


[The Kankers have completely destroyed Sarah's room. Sarah is in the corner. She has been bound up, stuffed in a burlap sack, and gagged with a sock.]
Lee: "Well?"
Marie: "It ain't here, Lee."
May: "Our ship in a bottle is gone forever and ever and ever!"
[Sarah flashes back to when Ed entered her room. She remembers how he scratched his head with the bottle.]
Lee: [strangling May] "That's crazy talk, May. Snap out of it. We're finding that ship in a bottle if it kills ya. Now get out there. We got people's lives to wreck."
[Sarah struggles to get free as the Kankers leave. The gag comes off.]
Sarah: "Wait! I know who's got a ship in a bottle."
Lee: [reentering the room] "Is that so?"


[Ed is being turned in circles. The center of the turns is the bottle, which is being held to the ground by Edd.]
Edd: "Sometimes the most perplexing of riddles can be solved with a simple counterclockwise turn."
Eddy: "What a load of bunk."
[The doorbell rings.]
Edd: "Now who could that be?"
[Edd goes to open the door.]
Edd: "Good day, and how may I help–" [He sees the people outside and blanches, all color draining from his face.]
Lee: "A little birdie told us you had something of ours."
[Edd, perplexed, looks at them. He then looks to his right, where Eddy is still turning Ed. His vision centers in on the bottle. Comprehension dawns upon him. He then turns back to the Kankers. Edd shuts the door calmly, and locks it, seemingly unworried. He then turns back to his friends.]
Edd: "OH LORD! THAT SHIP IN A BOTTLE BELONGS TO THE KANKERS!!!!!"
Eddy: "KANKERS? EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!!!!!"
Ed: "Who! What! Where! Why!"
[The Kankers break through the door.]
Marie: "I got it! I got it!"
[The Kankers look around and see no one. They then head to the kitchen, where a frying pan is spinning. The pan stops, handle pointing towards the sink.]
Eddy: [under the sink with his friends, whispering] "All they want is the bottle, Ed. You're gonna have to take one for the team, Lumpy!"
Edd: [whispering] "Oh, that's real brave of you, Eddy.
Eddy: [whispering] "What?"
Edd: [whispering] "Why should Ed sacrifice himself?"
Eddy: [whispering, frustrated] "He took the bottle!"
[The Kankers are right next to the cabinet, listening. Lee suddenly stands up and turns on the faucet.]
Ed: "Oh look, sponge."
Edd: [whispering] "Ssh! What's that? Do you hear it?"
[The faucet rattles and coughs the Eds out into the sink.]
Eddy: "Oops! Uh, hey, look what we found!"
[Lee reaches over and grabs the bottle. With one simple pull, she lifts it straight off Ed's finger.]
Lee: "We're a family again, girls."
Marie: "Awwwww....quit hoggin it, Lee!"
May: [grabbing for it] "I wanna hold it! I wanna hold it!"
Lee: "You're dreaming. It's mine."
[The Kankers begin to fight, and they find their way out of Edd's house.]
Ed: "I think that was the Kankers' bottle, Eddy!"
Edd: [removing himself from the sink] "You're not the only one confused here, Ed. Have you noticed that we've come out of this virtually unscathed?"
Ed: [climbing out as well] "Are we lucky or what?"
Eddy: "We must be getting good at this, huh guys?" [He leaps out of the sink, but is pulled back. His finger is stuck to the faucet's opening.] "For crying out loud! Of all the–"
Ed: "Aw! Just like old times!"
Edd: "Well, that sense of confidence didn't last long."
Eddy: "Do something, willya?"
Edd: "I know just the thing! A little dab of soap will do the trick." [He hurries away.]
Ed: "And I will fetch the Kankers, as they are whizzes at stuck fingers." [He pads off.]
Eddy: "NO, WAIT! ED!" [He tugs more furiously.] "ED!"
[An iris-in comes, and the episode ends.]


[Rolf lights a lantern. He is still in his cellar, surrounded by his animals. He sniffs the air.]
Rolf: "The stench of immortal doom still thickens the air! Yes? Or perhaps it is Wilfred's cabbage evacuations."
[We get another look at the scope of the damage: the cul-de-sac is in tatters, and sirens can be heard everywhere. Although the Kankers have left, the memory of their rampage will live on for a long time.]
Rolf: "Hard to tell."

Season 4 Scripts
"An Ed in the Bush" • "See No Ed" • "Is There an Ed in the House?" • "An Ed is Born" • "One Size Fits Ed" • "Pain in the Ed" • "Ed Overboard" • "One of Those Eds" • "They Call Him Mr. Ed" • "For the Ed, by the Ed" • "Little Ed Blue" • "A Twist of Ed" • "Your Ed Here" • "The Good Ol' Ed" • "Thick as an Ed" • "Sorry, Wrong Ed" • "Robbin' Ed" • "A Case of Ed" • "Run for your Ed" • "Hand Me Down Ed" • "Stiff Upper Ed" • "Here's Mud in Your Ed" • "Stuck in Ed" • "Postcards from the Ed" • "Take This Ed and Shove It"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide

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