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Script


[In the gym, a camera is set up. The Kankers are first in line, and are fighting over a bottle of perfume.]
Jimmy: [behind the Kankers] "Just a dash of haute couture for my school portrait, Sarah."
[The cap comes off the perfume, and it spills all over Jimmy. Sarah struggles with her dress. Behind her, Rolf and Sarah sniff the disgusting perfume.]
Nazz: "Uh! Gross."
[Jimmy tries to run out of the gym, but runs into Plank.]
Jonny: "Wow, Plank! You and Jimmy order clothes from the same catalog! How cool is that!"
Jimmy: "I'm so generic! AAAAAHHH!" [He runs away screaming. Jonny takes his place in line. Eddy gets behind him, looking at his reflection in Jonny's shiny, bald head.]
Eddy: [checking his smile in Jonny's head] "Nah. Too game show host." [another smile] "Off model."
[Eddy tries another smile, then is about to attempt another, when Jonny turns around.]
Jonny: "Did you forget to brush your teeth? Eddy?"
[Eddy turns Jonny's face forward again and continues to examine himself.]
Edd: "Perpetuating our vanity, are we?"
Eddy: "Per-practicing for my school photo, Sockhead."
[Eddy turns back around and runs into a snail that Ed is holding out.]
Ed: [letting the snail crawl over his head] "I'm so pretty, oh so pretty."
Edd: [exasperated] "Don't you think your parents would be a tad upset by a photo of you with a snail on your head?"
[Eddy kicks Ed into the ceiling.]
Eddy: "You're an idiot, Ed! Guess who's gettin to move into his cool big brother's bedroom. Here's a hint: ME!"
Ed: "I win!" [He falls out of the ceiling.]
Edd: "Really?"
Eddy: "Really! I'm in like flint, Sockhead. My mom just walked up to me and dangled this key right in front of me. I looked at her like, huh?"
[He flashes back.]


[In the memory, he's in his clothes, and the wall as undone, revealing the door. Eddy's mother is holding out the key to Eddy, which is the only thing in color.]
Eddy: "And then she's all like, 'You can move into your brother's bedroom if this year your school photo is nice for once Eddy.' A perfect picture–"


Eddy: [in the real world] "–and no more baby brother Eddy."
Edd: "Well congratulations, Eddy! It seems your parents have finally recognized how you've grown since your brother's departure!"
[The Eds bound into the gym. May is on a stool. The picture is taken. May is bodily hauled off the chair by Lee, who jumps into the seat.]
Lee: "Make sure you get my good side, bozo!"
Marie: "I guess that rules out her face then!"
[The picture is taken. Immediately after the shot. Lee rushes after her sisters, angry. Sarah takes a seat. She smiles sweetly for the time it takes to take the photo, then goes back to her usual grumpy self.]
Sarah: "This stupid dress is giving me a rash!"
[Rolf, wearing a bag over his head, walks into the scene and sits on the chair.]
Rolf: "Rolf is ready to have his soul pilfered from his very eyes, yes?"
[The picture is taken, and Rolf stumbles away. Nazz takes the stool, and all the boys gape in awe.]
Edd: [enraptured] "Ah, what a joy it would be to capture such beauty with my humble camera."
[The picture is taken, and Nazz leaves. The boys go back to normal.]
Eddy: [pushing Jonny forward] "Make it quick, cueball!"
[Jonny and Plank get their shot taken.]
Plank:
Jonny: "Whaddya mean you think you blinked?"
Eddy: "Time to score my bro's sweet pad."
[Eddy heads up to the stool proudly. He sits on it and straightens his clothes. When he sees the cameraman's finger tighten on the shutter, he turns around to ready himself. When he comes back, he is holding up a pennant reading "Go Mom" and wearing a button saying the same. He smiles widely. Suddenly Kevin pops out of nowhere.]
Kevin: "Dork." [The camera flashes.]


[Eddy looks up mournfully. He is in the music room as Edd takes out a xylophone.]
Eddy: "I can't give this to my mom! I look like I'm getting my temperature taken!"
Edd: "Surely it isn't that bad, Eddy." [Eddy shows him the photo.] "Isn't your mother farsighted?"
[Ed uses his tongue to grab the picture.]
Ed: "Aw, you look like an onion! Mom loves onions!"
Eddy: "Oh, I'll give you an onion!"
[Eddy grabs the picture and slumps, unwilling to follow up on his threat. Ed opens his mouth for the onion.]
Eddy: [despondent] "Oh, I was so close. I could almost smell my brother's stuffed camel."
[The door opens and the teacher walks in. All the kids ready their instruments, except Eddy, who groans and leans on his stand, despairing.]
Edd: [handing Eddy a triangle] "The teacher's watching us, Eddy."
[The teacher starts a metronome, and the kids begin to play poorly.]
Edd: "You know, Eddy, I am in the photography club. I'll just retake your photo durning lunch."
[Eddy sits up and begins to smile. He plays the triangle with more aplomb.]
Eddy: "I like that. It'll be like this bunk photo never existed." [He walks over to Ed.] "Hey Charlie-the-Furbrain-Parker, eat this." [He stuffs the photo in Ed's mouth.]
Ed: "Thanks Eddy."
[Ed is chewing when the teacher points at him, indicating he should be playing his sax. Hurried, Ed fumbles with it and ends up blowing into the wrong end. The pressure builds, and the crumpled, wet paper shoots out of that end, landing on Kevin's drums. Kevin at first doesn't notice, but in a few seconds he sees that a wet paper is wrapped around one of his drumsticks. He spreads it out on a cymbal, revealing Eddy's face.]
Kevin: [to Nazz and Rolf] "Psst. Get a load of prune face."
[Kevin spins the cymbal so that Nazz and Rolf can take a look at the horrible picture.]
Rolf: "Rolf has seen prunier."


[It is after class, and the kids are laughing in the hall. Eddy walks by, and they quiet down.]
Edd: [noticing a paper sticking out of his locker] "Oh look. Perhaps the note is from our esteemed school faculty." [Edd takes out the paper and opens it. He quickly closes it.]
Eddy: "Ain't you supposed to be taking my school photo?"
[Another sheet falls out of Eddy's locker and lands on his face. Eddy picks it up and looks at it. It is his photo.]
Eddy: "MY PHOTO! Huh?" [He stares around the hall. Every locker has a copy.] "They're all over the–"
[The school bell rings.]
Eddy: "AAAH!"
[Eddy runs around the hall, snatching the pictures from the locker. He hears Kevin, Nazz, and Rolf laughing.]
Rolf: "Is a miracle, yes? Finally some Ed-boys merchandise?" [He points to his shirt; Eddy's picture is taped to it.]
Kevin: "If that ain't a fashion statement, I don't know what is!"
Nazz: [holding up her decorated binder] "Say something funny about my binder, Kev!"
Kevin: "Umm..."
Eddy: "I knew it!"
[Eddy yanks the pictures from their hands. He runs past the copy room, where the machine is spitting out copies of something. He looks inside and sees that the copies are of his school photo. Panicked, he runs inside.]
Edd: "Eddy, wait. Perhaps we should–" [Eddy hands him a huge pile of copies.]
Eddy: [collecting from more lockers] "We gotta ditch these pronto!"
Ed: "Pronto's my middle name!" [He comes back carrying the copier.] "No wait, it's Horace."
Eddy: [shoving papers in his locker] "In here, Ed!"
Edd: "I think I have a paper cut." [He drops the stack inside.]
Ed: [backing up with the copier] "Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep–" [Eddy shoves him in.]
Edd: "But that photocopier's school property!" [Eddy slams the locker.] "Students use that!" [Ed locks the door.]
Eddy: [desperate] "If that photo ever gets out for my mom to see, I can kiss my brother's room goodbye! I bet there's more!"


[Eddy enters the cafeteria. He stops. His face is plastered on all the walls. His faces turn towards him–the kids are now wearing his photo as a mask.]
Eddy: "It's a nightmare I tell ya!"
[Eddy has a nervous breakdown. The kids laugh. A masked Lee drags Eddy under a table.]
Lee: "Muaah! Stop kissing yourself. Muaah! Stop kissing yourself. Muaah! Stop kissing yourself. Muaah! Stop kissing yourself. Muaah!"
Eddy: "HELP ME!"
[Ed and Edd slam the doors. Edd's vision settles on a loudspeaker.]


[Edd has rigged up a complicated system to hack the speaker.]
Edd: "I think we may be able to save Eddy's proverbial bacon, yes." [He taps the mike.] "Ahem. Good afternoon, students. Of Peach Creek Jr. High. This is your principal speaking, with a very important–um–announcment. Very good. Ahem. All copies of student Eddy's school photograph are to be returned to him immediately. Failure to comply will warrant detention for everyone. For the rest of the semester. Thank you."
Kevin: "Bummer."
Eddy: [happy] "You heard the man!"
[In the hall, Edd gets rid of the hack and immediately goes into a state of shock.]
Edd: "Did I just do that? I did, didn't I! I just impersonated the principal! Made false declarations in his name! Oh, what have I done!" [Eddy exits the cafeteria, pushing a fridgeful of copies.]
Eddy: "Woohoo! Get this, guys! The principal just made everybody give back all the copies of my bunk photo! Put your helmet on, Sockhead! We got a picture to take! My brother's room is in the bag!"
Ed: "Not in the house, Eddy?"


[Edd is in the photography room. He checks his camera.]
Edd: "Drats! Due to yesterday's photography assignment, I'm afraid I only have one last exposure left on this film."
Eddy: "Whatever. One-shot Eddy's my middle name."
Ed: "MAKEUP!" [He slams a chalkboard eraser into Eddy's face.]
Edd: "How very helpful, Ed."
[Edd readies his camera. Eddy poses. In the hall, his locker starts to buckle; the copier machine has printed out too many copies.]
Edd: "Ready on 3. One...two..."
Kevin: "Three!"
[Kevin holds Eddy's ruined photo in front of the lens just as Edd takes the shot.]
Kevin: "Oops. Forgot one." [He laughs and backs out of the room.]
[Edd watches as the new photo slides out. He gives it to Eddy wordlessly.]
Eddy: [broken] "He did it again, Double D!" [The photos are exact matches.]
[Outside, Eddy's locker door buckles far outwards. The school begins to swell with the amount of paper. Suddenly, the locker explodes, and copies of the photograph fall all around the school and take up the space inside.]


[Two photos lie on the ground. Edd picks them up and tucks them into a trash bag.]
Ed: [holding up a notepad] "Look Double D! A picture for Eddy, see? He's getting the key to his brother's room, and it's made of potato salad!"
Edd: "Aw, Ed, what a lovely gesture! Although maybe you should give it to him when he's not so upset."
[Eddy drops a full bag from an upper-story window into the dumpster, which has a mountain of bags already inside. The bag tumbles down the mountain and lands on Edd. Eddy climbs down.]
Eddy: "Talk about adding insect to injury. Two hours of stinkin cleanup, plus a week's worth of detention for impersonating the principal." [unhappy] "I don't even remember doing that!"
Edd: "Really? A whole week? Gracious. Um...Ed has something for you, Eddy!"
Ed: [bounding over] "Do I ever. It's a key!"
[Eddy rips the page out and tears it up. Behind it sits another drawing, this one of Eddy holding a key.]
Eddy: "Hey, I ain't pullin a stupid face in this picture! This'll work for my school photo! Big bro's room, here I come!"
[Eddy darts off, carrying the crayon drawing in his hand.]
Edd: "I'm flabbergasted, Ed! He seriously thinks he can appease his mother with a crayon drawing in lieu of a school photo! I mean, the lines are all wiggly!"
Ed: "Can I draw your school photo, Double D?"
Edd: "Thank you, Ed, but I'm–"
Ed: "MAKEUP!"
Edd: "NO WAIT–"
[The eraser slams into Edd's face. Ed steps forward and stands in front of the dust cloud raised.]
Ed: "Self-portrait!" [He hits himself in the face with the eraser.]

Season 5 Scripts
"Mission Ed-Possible" • "Every Which Way But Ed" • "Boom Boom Out Goes the Ed" • "Cleanliness Is Next to Edness" • "Out with the Old… In with the Ed" • "I Am Curious Ed" • "No Speak Da Ed" • "Cool Hand Ed" • "Too Smart for His Own Ed" • "Who's Minding the Ed" • "Pick an Ed" • "Truth or Ed" • "This Won't Hurt an Ed" • "Tinker Ed" • "The Good, The Bad and The Ed" • "Tight End Ed" • "'Tween a Rock and an Ed Place" • "All Eds Are Off" • "Smile for the Ed" • "Run Ed Run" • "A Town Called Ed" • "A Fistful of Ed"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide

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