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Ed, Edd n Eddy

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Script


[A box of Chunky Puffs is sitting in a cupboard. On the cover it says "Free Prize!"]
Ed: [grabbing it] "Yum yum yum!"
Edd and Eddy: "Chunky Puffs!"
Eddy: [grabbing the box] "Ooh, a prize."
Ed: "What is it?" [He takes the box.] "Low in fat. Cool!"
Eddy: "Don't wreck your brain, Ed." [He steals the box back and rummages through it.] "You gotta know where to look!"
Ed: [leaping on Eddy] "Give me my fat!" [looking through the box, he pulls out Eddy] "Oh, look! No fat, but I got an Eddy prize!"
Eddy: "Oh, yeah? Well I got–THE SUPER STUFFED MARSHMALLOW SURPRISE!" [He pulls the prize out and stuffs it in Ed's mouth.]
Edd: [taking the box from Ed] "You should chew your food, Ed."
Eddy: "Any time you feel like letting me go there, Lumpy, I'd really–" [Ed drops him.]


[The Eds are at the kitchen table.]
Edd: "Allow me to pour your milk?"
Eddy: "I love Chunky Puffs!"
[The milk comes out as a big glob. It has clearly rotted.]
Eddy: "I hate chunky milk."
Ed: "I know where we can get new milk!"


[The Eds are looking over the fence at Rolf's backyard. Ed has a bucket with him.]
Eddy: "Are you sure about this Ed?"
Ed: "Oh, yeah, I've seen Rolf do it before. It's easy."
[The Eds enter the shed. Inside is Rolf's cow.]
Edd: "I'm not sure this is legal."
Eddy: "Sure it is! Cows are public property. Like trees. So...how's it work?"
Ed: "Uh, Rolf did some stuff and milk came out."
Eddy: [wiggling the cow's tail] "How hard could it be?" [Ed sticks his head in one of the cow's nostrils.] "Any milk yet, Ed?"
Ed: "Milk? Uh, not yet Eddy."
Cow: "MROO."
Ed: [with his head in the cow's nostril] "AAAAAHHH!"
Eddy: "AAAHH! It said something!"
Edd: "Your techniques are incorrect, Eddy. To extract milk from a cow, you must use its udders." [He points at the udders.]
Eddy: [after a long pause] "I ain't touching that."
Ed: "You first, Double D."
Edd: "Oh, look, my shoe's untied." [He bends over and leaves.]
Ed: "Mine too!" [He exits in the same manner.]


[The Eds are on a log in the Lane, eating dry cereal.]
Edd: "Gracious, Ed, don't you have any manners?" [He plucks one Puff from the box and eats it.] "May I have another?" [A football hits him on the side of the head, knocking him off the log.]
Kevin: "C'mon, dork, throw it over!"
Edd: "Certainly, Kevin. Here it comes!" [He throws it up in the air. It comes down and ends up in approximately its initial position.] "Huh?" [He attempts to roll it but it doesn't go far.]
Kevin: "Ha ha you throw like a two-year-old."
Rolf: "Ya, and two-year-olds are not even good at stuffing sausages!" [They both laugh.]
Edd: [humbled] "Well uh...my skills are...um...more in–"
Eddy: "He'll show you!"
Kevin: "Show me what, his butterfly collection?"
Rolf: "Ya, and butterflies cannot stuff sausages either!"
Kevin: [walking away with Rolf] "Stop with the sausage stuff, Rolf, you're killing me!"
Rolf: [in the distance] "You crazy?"
Eddy: [to Edd] "Don't let him get away with that!"
Edd: "But I do have quite an extensive collection of butterflies–"
Eddy: "We need to help you with your confidence, Double D."


[The kids are playing in the lane as Ed carries a bunch of homemade exercise equipment outside, Eddy and Edd in tow.]
Eddy: "Where ya going, Double D? The punching sock awaits." [He turns Edd towards the sock.] "Let's see what's in those puny, skinny sticks you call arms."
Edd: "I'm not really comfortable with this, Eddy."
Eddy: "Go on! Whack it!"
[Edd takes a jab at it. He hits it, and his arm crumples. His hand immediately swells up in pain. The sock, on the other hand, does not move one inch.]
Edd: "GAHOH!" [to Eddy] "Eddy, training is painful."
Eddy: "You're just starting to feel the burn, Double D!"
Kevin: [appearing behind them] "Yeah, you better get some ointment, Double Dork." [raising his football] "Hey Rolf! Incoming!"
Eddy: [walking Edd over to the treadmill] "Forget him. Your brittle bones will be as strong as steel after this!"
Edd: "I could just increase my calcium intake–"
Eddy: "Aw come on. All you gotta do is run!"
[Edd tries it. He quickly slips off the treadmill with a scream and lands at Kevin's feet.]
Kevin: [laughing] "Oh, my ribs!"
Rolf: "Sausage and ribs, yes?"
Eddy: "Forget them. This one will be easy." [He holds out a jump rope.] "Go for it, Sockhead!"
[Edd attempts it once and fails completely. The kids all laugh at him.]
Edd: [walking up to a dumbbell in front of Eddy] "Oh let's quit now, this is embarrassing."
Eddy: "You can't quit! We're just warming up!"


[Edd is in position to lift the dumbbell.]
Eddy: "When I'm done with you, you'll be the next Charles Cullis Supreme."
Edd: "But Eddy, muscle expenditure can cause unsightly stretch marks."
Eddy: "Your brain's the only thing with stretch marks. LIFT!"
Edd: "I really don't think I can."
[Edd attempts to lift it. He somehow manages to do it, and it goes over his head. While he is unsteady, he has still managed to lift the dumbbell.]
Edd: [excited] "LOOK!" [One dumbbell falls off, and he tilts to the side that kept its weight.]
Ed: "Good job, Double D!" [He throws a handful of Chunky Puffs at him, and the kids laugh. Edd, mortified, pulls his hat down over his face. Ed picks him up and carries him off. Eddy follows.]
Eddy: "This is harder than I thought."


Eddy: [carrying a plastic tree to a makeshift wrestling ring in the construction zone] "This'll prove to everyone that Double D's a champ!"
Ed: [stretching the ropes to the tree in order to complete the ring] "Look out Eddy!"
Eddy: [seeing that the ring is complete] "Bingo." [knocking on a porta-potty door] "Everything's set up! Get outta there!"
Edd: [peeking out from the Masked Mumbler] "Eddy, wrestling? Please." [He shuts the door.]
Eddy: "C'mon Double D, wrestling is the ultimate de-wimpifier." [after Edd doesn't give in] "Okay, don't come out. You can live in there forever."
Edd: "But it smells funny."
Eddy: [dragging him out] "Cool. You'll be world champion in no time!"
[We now get to see Edd in full battle regalia. His uniform consists of a red leotard with a belt around the waste and a plunger on top of his head.]
Edd: "I don't want to fight, Eddy."
Eddy: "What are you talking about? Wrestling ain't about fighting. It's all strategy and tactics!"
Edd: [interested] "Like chess!"
Eddy: "Exactly! Now, let's find you a challenging opponent."


[Jonny is sitting in the lane with Plank. He feeds Plank a spoonful of yogurt and then feeds himself one.]
Jonny: "Leave some for me, Plank!"
Plank:
Jonny: "Okay, okay! You must have a hollow leg, you piggy."
[While Jonny is looking away, Eddy replaces Plank with a hollow stump. This stump, like Plank, has a face drawn on it in crayon.]
Jonny: "Here you go." [seeing the change] "Ooh, oh, Plank. You've certainly let yourself go. No more sweets for you!"


[Eddy bangs on a pan with a spoon. A close-up of Edd's masked face is seen, followed by a shot of Plank, sitting on a chair in a corner of the ring.]
Edd: "This is not good." [clutching at Eddy] "Eddy, please reconsider. He's frightening me!"
Eddy: "Plank's just playing mind games." [walking Edd to the center of the ring] "Don't fall for it. Look him in the eyes, and watch out for those sharp corners."
[banging the pan again] "Get it on!"
Edd: [after Plank falls on his foot] "Yowch! Ig! Goo! Ow!" [he steps on Plank and slips] "Eddy! Help me!" [Plank hits a rope and is propelled directly at Edd. Plank hits Edd on the side of his head.]
Eddy: [catching Plank] "Double D! Here! Take him down!" [He hauls Edd to his feet and hands Plank over.]
Edd: [struggling with Plank] "Corners!"
Eddy: "Throw him!"
[Edd throws him.]
Eddy: "Get angry!"
Edd: "Grrr. Ow. That gives me a headache, Eddy."
Eddy: "Well then, you should sit and rest."
Edd: "Oh, boy..."
Eddy: [setting Edd on Plank] "Easy does it. Ha ha! One two three. And the winner is...The Masked Mumbler!"
[We get to survey the empty construction zone.]
Eddy: "If there was a crowd, they'd be going wild!"
Jonny: [angry] "You guys think you're so smart. You guys are just a bunch of phonies!"
Eddy: "Plank lost, fair and square." [he laughs] "Get it? Square? Plank?"
Jonny: "Cheaters!" [He steps into the ring and kicks Edd in his shin. Edd, stumbling around in pain, runs into the Kankers, who have suddenly appeared.]
Eddy: "Kankers. Who invited you?"
Lee: [bullying Eddy] "What are you doing here?"
Ed: [still eating Chunky Puffs] "We're wrestling!"
Lee: "Wrestling, ha!" [to Eddy, who's eyebrow is raised] "I love it when you raise your eyebrow like that."
Eddy: "Oh, you're not getting to me, Lee Kanker."
Lee: "You Eds are so cute when you do stupid stuff." [The Kankers laugh.]
Eddy: [unable to come up with a retort] "Who–uh–ahh!"
Lee: "Ha! I say we wrestle you! May and Marie are great at purple nurples."
Eddy: "You're on, Kankers!"
Ed: "What's a purple nurple?"
Edd: "I think it has something to do with strudel filling."
Ed: "Cool!"


[Rolf is underneath his cow, milking it. He pulls out a cup and offers it to Jimmy.]
Rolf: "Please pass down this milk, my cow is quite parched."
Jonny: "Plank is thirsty."
Kevin: "Those Eds are gonna get thrashed!"
Eddy: [announcing the match] "Welcome to the Cul-de-sac Wrestling Championship! Here, all the way from the other side of the lane, you know em, you love em, you can't live without em, The Erupting Eds!"
[The Eds pose. Some mild clapping is heard.]
Eddy: [now talking in a "don't care" type of voice] "And, the Calcified Kankers."
[The crowd boo the Kankers. Lee growls.]
Eddy: "Here's your chance, Double D. Get in there!"
Edd: [trying to leave the ring] "But Eddy, I bruise easily."
Eddy: [holding up a toilet paper roll] "You're covered."
Edd: "Eddy! Washroom cleanliness won't help me now!"
Eddy: "No, but these knee pads will!"
Edd: "But-but Eddy!"
Ed: "Cool, Double D!" [Edd has toilet paper rolls on all four limbs.]
Edd: "Are they at least two-ply?"
Marie: [leaping into the ring] "Come to mama!"
Edd: [grabbing one of the ropes as Eddy drags him to center stage] "Oh no! Eddy, stop! Please!"
Eddy: "YYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAA–" [Edd's grip slips.]
Edd: "Oh dear." [He winds up right next to Marie, sitting down.] "Hello, Marie."
Marie: "Hiya, muffin. Let's play!" [She then proceeds to use him as a jump rope.]
Eddy: [watching in horror] "Double D's a goner."
Rolf: "Your garden is overgrown and your cucumbers are soft!"
[Marie is then shown wrapping him in his toilet paper. She finishes tying him up.]
Marie: "Here comes your prize!" [She then attempts to kiss him. Edd runs away, and she giggles.]
Edd: "Okay, that's it. Tag me tag me tag me!"
[Ed tags him and jumps into the middle of the ring.]
Ed: "Take me to your leader!" [He runs in circles around May.]
Eddy: "Give em the burrhead bump, Ed!"
Ed: [covered in Kankers] "I can't, Eddy. My mom says I can't fight girls." [he tags Eddy] "Tag!"
May: "Let's kiss him!"
[Eddy screams and runs away.]
The Kankers: "Come back, dumpling!"
[The other two Eds continue to eat Chunky Puffs. Lee catches Eddy and proceeds to beat him up by playing him like an accordion.]
Rolf: "I love this music, it is so shiny."
Eddy: "AAAUUH."
Rolf: "This is better than counting chickens. Look!"
Eddy: [being lifted by the Kankers, who have formed a tower] "AAAH! HELP!" [They throw him into a frying pan Lee holds. She flips him like a pancake.]
Lee: "I just love home cooking!" [She flips him to the top, where Marie spins him.]
Marie: "Spin, dry, and tumble!" [She throws him down and lands on him. She then proceeds to throw him into the ropes.]
Ed: "Hi Eddy!"
[Eddy rebounds in. The Kankers have rigged up their own slingshot on the other end. They send Lee dead at him. She hits him dead on and proceeds to beat the Eds up.]
Kevin: "Whoa, cool!"
Jonny: "Close your eyes, Plank!"
Sarah: "Oooh."
Rolf: "Sha-ha!"
Eddy: "WAAAH!"
Edd: "Not good! Not good!" [Ed laughs.]


Kevin: [sarcastic] "I guess the Eds showed us."
Rolf: "Ya, perhaps we should take up basket weaving." [They laugh and walk away.]
Lee: [leaving the ring] "Wrestling the Eds sure is fun."
Marie: [following her] "I'm hungry."
[The Eds are tied together in a knot. Ed pulls out the box of Chunky Puffs and proceeds to eat.]
Eddy: "Hey! Give me some of those!"
[Ed spills some cereal on his face. Edd picks up some of it and eats, happy.]

Season 1 Scripts
"The Ed-Touchables" • "Nagged to Ed" • "Pop Goes the Ed" • "Over Your Ed" • "Sir Ed-a-Lot" • "A Pinch to Grow an Ed" • "Dawn of the Eds" • "Virt-Ed-Go" • "Read All About Ed" • "Quick Shot Ed" • "An Ed Too Many" • "Ed-n-Seek" • "Look Into My Eds" • "Tag Yer Ed" • "Fool on the Ed" • "A Boy and His Ed" • "It's Way Ed" • "Laugh Ed Laugh" • "A Glass of Warm Ed" • "Flea-Bitten Ed" • "Who, What, Where, Ed" • "Keeping up with the Eds" • "Eds-Aggerate" • "Oath to an Ed" • "Button Yer Ed" • "Avast Ye Eds"
Seasons: Season 1Season 2Season 3Season 4Season 5Season 6Specials
See also: Episode Guide

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