[Eddy is yammering on as Rolf and Kevin pick sides for a game of basketball. As he talks, Rolf becomes more and more agitated.]
Eddy: "Hey guys! Wake up! Yoo–hoo! What're ya, blind? I'm red hot, baby! Right here! Pick me! What're ya waiting for? The light don't get any greener! Eddy going once! Eddy going twice! Sold, to the guy with–"
[BAM! A basketball slams into Eddy's face. Rolf, who threw it, relaxes some.]
Rolf: "His shrieks rip through Rolf like Nana's cabbage stew! Continue, yes?"
Kevin: "Right. Nazz, you're on my team."
Nazz: "Awesome!" [She darts over and hi-fives Kevin.]
Rolf: "Very well then. Rolf chooses the strength-of-ten-leaky-buckets Ed-boy."
Ed: "I'm kicking the bucket, guys!"
Kevin: "Yo, Jonny? You're with me."
Jonny: "Momma's gonna knock you out!"
Eddy: "Ah-ha! You gotta pick me now."
Rolf: "Rolf chooses the wood, yes?" [He picks up Plank.]
Eddy: "OH COME ON! It's a hunk of wood for crying out loud!"
[Jump ball. Kevin grabs it away from Rolf.]
Kevin: "My ball!"
Nazz: "Over here, Kev!"
[Kevin passes it to Nazz, but Rolf steers it. He looks towards Ed while holding off Kevin.]
Rolf: "Ed-boy! Catch the inflated sphere!" [Ed smiles widely and readies himself for the pass.]
Jonny: " I got him covered, guys!" [He runs into Ed and falls down.]
[Ed catches the pass in his teeth. He bites down and the ball explodes. Eddy, on the sidelines, laughs.]
Eddy: "Nice catch, Monobrow!"
Ed: "Did we win?"
Kevin: [snatching the broken ball] "Yeah. In this dork world."
Ed: "Dad will be so proud."
Jonny: [as the kids walk off] "Did you see Plank out there? What a monster!"
[Edd appears behind Eddy, wearing a secretive smile.]
Eddy: "Ha! Shoulda coulda woulda! If you'd picked moi!"
[Eddy finally notices Edd. Edd moves to in front of Eddy and continues to grin.]
Eddy: "What's with you?"
Edd: "Brace yourselves, gentlemen, for I have been elected by the Journalists Club to act as the new editor of the Peach Creek Junior High Tattler!" [He holds out a newspaper.] "Oh, I know. I was speechless as well. Perhaps you'd like to assist me in this good cause?"
Eddy: "Get real!" [wadding up the paper] "I'd rather wear Ed's underwear for a week!" [He walks off.]
Ed: "Not today, Eddy! I'm flying solo."
Edd: "How about you, Ed? Are you ready to take that first step into the exciting world of journalism?"
Ed: "As long as I don't get any on my shoes, Double D. My mom has got new carpets."
[The bell rings.]
Edd: [leading Ed inside] "That's the spirit, Ed! I'll supply you with the newspapers and a collection box."
Eddy: [appearing out of nowhere] "Stop the presses! Collection? Like in cash? Where do I sign, ol' pal o' mine?"
[Edd and Eddy are in the school's press room. Edd is typing something on a typewriter. Eddy is watching slack-jawed as a gigantic printing press slowly churns out paper after paper.]
Edd: "'Scuse me, Eddy." [He straightens one of the freshly printed papers and then goes back to work.]
[The doorknob turns slightly, back and forth, back and forth. Eddy goes and opens it to find Ed, standing there and tapping his chin.]
Ed: "Extra, extra! Kids pelt Ed with can't-sell school papers! Not a one." [Eddy pulls a paper out.]
Eddy: [reading a headline] "Jimmy Makes Shortcake? I wouldn't line a birdcage with this bunk!"
Edd: "I'll have you know Jimmy's shortcakes are the best I've–" [The paper hits him in the face.]
Eddy: "Where's the scandal? That's what sells papers."
Ed: [holding up a flip-flop] "Yep. Because sandals are baked fresh daily, Double D."
Eddy: [to Edd] "Ignore him. Just stick to the script."
Edd: "Fine. I'll admit the last few editions have been somewhat lacking." [The camera scans over the past three issues; the front page stories are Mrs. Smith Receives Fresh Apple, Photocopier Repaired, and Photocopier Still in Good Working Order in that order.] "But that's all about to change, Eddy! My sources tell me that the Knitting Club is attempting to darn the World's Largest Doily!"
[Eddy's face falls, and his brow lowers angrily.]
Eddy: [sarcastic] "Wow! That's like the scoop of a lifetime, Double D! You better whoop it on over there before their arteries harden!" [He gives Edd a press hat and rushes him out the door.]
Ed: "Arteries? Touch the artery! Touch the artery!"
[Eddy slowly closes the door, and Ed runs into it.]
Eddy: "Say cheese." [He takes a picture of the back of Ed's head.] "Forget him!" [He grabs Ed.] Come on, Lumpy. We're gonna turn this rag into a world-class money machine! The Eddy way."
[A lever on the side of the printing press has been pulled past Off, past On, all the way to a handwritten setting reading "Stupid Fast!" The press is indeed printing super-fast; the papers fly out with such force that they are slamming into a wall and denting it before they fall to the floor.]
Ed: "Pick paper up, pick paper up, pick paper up, pick paper up." [He stuffs them into his newsbag and then looks at one.] "Oh look, it's me!"
[The back of Ed's head is on the front page. Pictures of mutants have been poorly added in. The headline reads "Mutant Colony on Ed's Head!"]
Ed: "It says, 'Miniature mutant aliens have colonized Ed's head, and are mining bubblegum from his skull.' Cool. This Bubble Babble sure is a smart guy."
Eddy: "That's Bobby Blabby, idiot." [He throws two books into a ceiling fan, and the fan rips them to shreds.] "Tabloid reporter extraordinaire. Yep. I got the dirtiest dishes this side of dirty dishdom. Let's see what we got here." [He tacks three of the shreds to the bulletin board.] "Fork. Boy. Created. I got tomorrow's headline, Ed! Fork boy created in cooking class! Meatballs jabbed as teachers run for napkins!" [He thinks.] "I like that." [He sees Ed grinning stupidly.] "You still here? Get out there and make me some cash!" [He pushes Ed into the hall.] "Paperboy."
Ed: "A boy and I'm a-goin, Baby Boo-bah."
Eddy: "That's Bobby Blabby!" [He slams the newsroom door.]
[Jimmy, on Sarah's shoulders, is trying unsuccessfully to work the water fountain.]
Jimmy: "My fickle fingers just aren't forceful enough, Sarah!"
[Sarah presses the button. A stream of water shoots out and blasts Jimmy in the face.]
Jimmy: "Do you hear them, Sarah? It's the Vienna Boys' Choir! They're singing!"
Ed: "Extra, extra! Nazz kicked off cheerleading squad!"
Sarah: [amazed] "What? Let me see that!" [She grabs a paper.]
Jimmy: "Oh! Bobby Blabby says 'head cheerleader Nazz was let go for refusing to shave her legs'!"
Ed: "Twenty-five cents, please." [He holds out a hat, and Sarah drops a quarter in it.]
Sarah: [turning to another page] "Hey! Ed's Baby Sister Part of a Secret Chimp Foghorn Race!"
Jimmy: "Boy, just when you think you know someone."
[Sarah backs away, shocked at her friend's betrayal. She wails, and runs crying into a girls bathroom at the end of the hall. Around the corner, Ed takes a quarter from Jonny and hands over a paper.]
Jimmy: [peeking in] "Sarah?"
Sarah: "DON'T LOOK AT ME!"
[The force of her yell sends Jimmy flying down a flight of stairs.]
Jimmy: "Sarah, they're singing again."
[Below Jimmy in a lower-floor hall, Rolf is walking Wilfred. Strangely, Wilfred is wearing Rolf's clothes.]
Rolf: "Rolf begs of you Wilfred, you must walk on two feet, yes? Like Rolf!" [He sets the pig upright.] "Good Wilfred, very good!" [He opens a door and pushes Wilfred in. May notices Wilfred coming in.] "Hello teacher, Rolf is ready to take the test!"
[Wilfred squeals, and Rolf closes the door. He looks down and sees he's standing on Ed.]
Ed: "Paper, mister? Only a quarter." [He holds up his full hat, and Rolf drops a quarter in. Rolf looks inside and smiles.]
Rolf: [reading] "Jonny 2x4 foraged into his nostril and found the lost city of Atlantis yesterday!!"
[He comes upon Jonny, who is also reading a paper. Jonny rushes over.]
Jonny: "Hey, Rolf!" [Rolf tries to look in Jonny's nostrils] "Did you hear about Kevin having the world's biggest collection of spandex bike shorts under his mattress?" [Rolf pulls Jonny's nose open.]
Rolf: "Rolf sees no city, only darkness and sesame seeds." [Kevin pulls Jonny away.]
Kevin: [confrontational] "Some pal you are, man! You played me for a patsy!"
Rolf: "Rolf knew nothing of your elastic short leisure delights."
Kevin: [angry and confused] "Say what? Didn't you tell Bobby Blabby you wanna bulldoze my house to build a rest home for your Nana?"
Rolf: [angry] "What barbarian would allow their Nana to rest?"
[Rolf grabs the paper and angrily scans the article. Nazz comes by, dragging Jimmy by the ear.]
Jimmy: [desperate] "I'll talk! I'll talk!" [He points to the bathroom.] "She's in there!"
[Nazz opens the door and confronts Sarah.]
Nazz: "I know it was you that went to Bobby Blabby with that hairy legs story, monkeyface!"
Sarah: [enraged] "WHAT'D YOU CALL ME?!?!?"
[Sarah runs out and slams a toilet down on Nazz, knocking her through the floor. Nazz runs up the steps and throws a box of tissues at Sarah. The box bounces harmlessly off Sarah's head.]
Sarah: "Nice try!" [She brings a car down on Nazz.]
Jimmy: "Knock her butt into next week, Sarah!"
Jonny: [still reading the paper] "Says here your butt was knocked two Thursdays from now by the girls' curling club!" [Jimmy blushes.]
Jimmy: "Lies, lies, all lies!"
Rolf: [crumpling the paper] "Time for Rolf to introduce this Bobby Blabby to Rolf's Fist of Punctuality!"
Kevin: "Hey, get in line! If anyone's having the last laugh, I'm having it first."
[The kids, excepting Jonny, form an angry mob.]
Jonny: "Count me and Plank out! We really like this rag!"
[More papers are being printed in the newsroom.]
Ed: "Extra, extra!" [He thunks down his full cap.] "We're swimming in the press pool!"
Eddy: [excited] "Look at all this moolah! Just think, Ed, we'll double it—no—triple it, with these stories I just made up!"
[Edd walks in, despondent.]
Edd: "Well that lead led nowhere. Seems there is no knitting club. Lack of interest."
Eddy: "Forget the knitting club! Check out the dough I raked in!" [He shows Edd the hat.]
Ed: "I raked too."
Edd: "My word! Thank you, thank you, gentlemen! The coffers of the Students' Fund will be greatly enriched by this week's turnover."
Eddy: "Student Fund?"
Edd: [carrying the hat away] "Why, yes. The school paper is a nonprofit organization. All proceeds due to the school."
Eddy: "Like heck, they are!" [He steals the hat.] "This money's mine!"
[Kevin kicks the door open.]
Kevin: "Who's this Bobby Blabby guy?"
Ed: "Hello, loyal reader!"
Kevin: [holding Edd over the printing press] "Better spill the beans, Mr. Editor, or you're paper pulp!"
Edd: "I have no idea what you're talking about!" [Kevin shows him the paper.]
Kevin: "Who wrote this stuff?!"
Edd: "Miniature aliens? Hairy legs? Lost cities and…spandex bicycle shorts? Who indeed is Bobby Blabby?" [Eddy sneaks towards the door, money hat clamped on his head.] "Eddy? Care to explain?"
Eddy: "What? Uh…couldn't tell ya. Sounds like a jerk!"
[Eddy lets go of the hat so he can shrug, and the coins spill out in a heap around him.]
Ed: "You dropped your loot, Bibby Boo-boo."
Eddy: "IT'S BOBBY BLABBY! GET IT RIGHT!" [He realizes he just confessed.] "Oops?"
[Jonny is reading the new edition of the Tattler. Edd's story is on the front page: "Bobby Blabby Tricked You." The headliner's image is Eddy being dragged off by the angry mob.]
Jonny: [happy] "Bobby Blabby was a fake, buddy! It says, the knitting club finally formed with only one member."
[A battered and angry Eddy is in a room, knitting. Ed enters, proffering Eddy a paper.]
Ed: "Extra, extra! Eddy forced to knit world's largest doily!" [Eddy lifts Ed up with one of the sewing needles by his front teeth then throws him across the room.]
Edd: "Mister Eddy. Any pointers to share with our readers on your newfound extracurricular mortification?"
Eddy: "Get lost."
Edd: "Eddy demands desolation as he dotes on distinguished doily. Sounds like a front-pager."
Ed: "Smells like a back pager."
Eddy: "I hate doilies."