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Edlines:

Ed suffers Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Ed Cries

One of our favorite pals over at the cul-de-sac is now mentally unstable after witnessing an event that changed his life forever. The incident in question was bad enough to reduce Ed, a veteran of B-rated horror movies to a blubbering wreck covered in tears. The incident occurred yesterday at Rolf’s house. Ed, having his obsession with chickens, tried to obtain one of his own as Rolf was preparing to decapitate one of his chickens for his Yeshmiyek feast, occurring later that evening. Ed witnessed the occurrence and ran away to hide in a corner of his room to cry his eyes out until Ed found him a while later. Ed was later taken to PCPH (Peach Creek Psychiatric Hospital) and will remain there for an unspecified amount of time. Ed could obviously not be reached for comment. GI (and its freelancers) send our regards to the big lug. We hope this chapter of his life will pass quickly for him. Here are further comments of other residents of the cul-de-sac:

  • “I think Rolf should have been more discreet in this kind of act, as witnessing something like that can have a permanent effect on a child’s psych. I hope Ed gets well soon.” Edd, on the incident in general.
  • “Now how am I supposed to haul junk for scams?!” Eddy asked on how he feels about Ed’s predicament.
  • “Rolf feels guilt for damaging noodle-head Edboy’s soft-as-a-yam mind of a fast food server, and Rolf shall stay in the dreaded c-c-cupboard for a night to soothe his conscience.” Rolf, on his guilt.


Written by Agent M


Eddy Makes a Thousand!

Eddy, the infamous scam artist of the cul-de-sac, and member of S.C.A.M., has sold the recipe of the infamous “El-Mongo Stink Bomb” to “Pranks ‘R’ Us”, a Korean prank company, yesterday. Upon hearing about the incident involving Eddy letting the aforementioned chemical weapon, “Pranks ‘R’ Us” decided to hire GI to investigate further and interview Eddy on his thoughts of selling the recipe. At first, Eddy thought we were intruding at his home and charged us $10 for each question, but seeing as we were broke, we couldn’t afford to and wire tapped his phone on the way out. Apparently, from unreliable sources (and cheap telephone wires) Eddy told his two friends of his financial success (one grand), until Edd reminded him that the Candy Store does not accept Korean currency, as before, Eddy had to exchange the money the next day.


Unfortunately for Eddy, what he does not know is that 1000 in Korean currency is little more than 80 cents in US dollars. At this news, Eddy called the Koreans “Cheap, lousy, broke, cheap – wait did I already say that? Rip-off artists…” (Limited quote). Luckily, Eddy still had enough cash to spend on 3 jawbreakers, one for the other Eds, and one for himself. To add even more insult to injury, Eddy’s remaining change was stolen by another seagull.


Eddy did not wish to be reached for comment.


Written by Agent M


Eds Revealed

Kids discover Secret Cameras

Not-so Hidden Camera

Yesterday, three kids attending PCJH discovered hidden cameras implanted into the ceilings of classrooms (pictured above). The children of Peach Creek were outraged at this breach of the right to privacy. Apparently, a TV station records the shenanigans occurring throughout the cul-de-sac and airs it on TV. Here’s some opinions:

  • “Gravy!” Ed
  • “This is a moral travesty, absolutely despicable... first, to invade our rights to privacy by…” Edd (limited quote)
  • “I’m getting paid for this, right?” Eddy
  • “Rolf’s soul will not be taken by the eyes of reflective demons!” Rolf
  • “I’ve been watched all this time, everyone knows I’m such a weakling! WAAH!~” Jimmy
  • “Jimmy, come back! Oh, you idiots! (proceeds to pound GI)” Sarah

Jonny was not as disturbed and spent most of the day happily breaking the fourth wall. He often smiles and waves at the cameras. However, GI is not so lenient. We are going to get an issue of complaint and are going to strike and sue the television station for breech of personal space/privacy.


Independent Ed

Eds head of new Video Game Company!

Revealed last night, Eddy boasted that he had made a video game company and was in charge of it. Obviously, the GI had to investigate. We sent our new freelancer, Bruce Ed, who had recently applied for a job at the GI. He reported that the headquarters for "Ed-Tendo" was a large corporate skyscraper (made of cardboard) in the lane of the cul-de-sac. Bruce also reported that the Eds had successfully made their own console, resembling a Nintendo Wii, named the "Ed-Tendo Dii", which shared many features as the former, but was completely different, according to Edd. Eddy then tried to sell a few at $10,000 each. Seeing as we were broke, we got Bruce to make a distraction while (conveniently named) Agent M went in and "borrowed" a few, which we hope not to return. Upon testing at the GI headquarters, (in a small basement) we found that the console was completely compatible with the aforementioned Nintendo Wii's games. This piece of news came as quite a surprise to us, and we compared a Wii (which we had also "borrowed") to the Dii. Aside from similar names, the motherboard contained the same pieces and were even labelled "Made by Nintendo". Even more surprising, the Eds had made their own games, such as:

  • The Legend of Zelda: The Ed-light Princess
  • Super Smash Brothers: Ed
  • As it shares the exact same features as the Wii, I found that it can play GameCube games, and to a further extent, one of my favorites, Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes and the original version for the Dii, Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Eds.

Here are a few quotes that have been recorded:

  • "Rolf saw the fool-hardly Ed-boys with various Thinamajigs!" Rolf on the matter.
  • "Those dorks dropped it off at Jonny's house!" Kevin speaking of what he saw.

This leads us to conclude they have left their consoles and games at Jonny's house. The GI will investigate soon.


Co-Written by Bruce Ed and Agent M


Ed-Itorial

(From the mind of Agent M)


Whew, just made the first demo issue of the new Gravy Inquirer. I don't think it's as good as the original. Bruce Ed is now an official member of the new GI, and Jspyster1 seems interested. If you want to join, contact Agent M with a +70 word essay, or an idea for an article, and if it's good, I'll put it in and you'll be a member of the new GI, and get a cool template and maybe write your own blog post for another issue of the new GI. Good luck!


Jonny's Video Games!

Clueless Jonny

Jonny's new store has opened up in the cul-de-sac! Come visit Outside Haven (kudos if you get the video game reference)! We sell all types of video games (only for the Ed-Tendo Dii) and also sell Ed-Tendo Diis which are in stock now (found at Jonny's house, and if they're yours, finders keepers)! So come on down and get a game and a console at Outside Haven! Prices won't be affected as any money we make will be considered profit. Jonny's Outside Haven, where things are real cheap, and we are free from the control of censorship! Terms and Conditions apply. We do not accept credit.


"GRAVY: IT'S NOT JUST MEATJUICE, IT’S A WAY OF LIFE" GRAVYIST PARTY MOTTO


If you wish to sign up/help contribute, contact/e-mail Agent M!

Please leave a review!

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