May 5th 2010: On that particular Sinco de Mayo I created an account, long story short I have been here for two years now and am going to share a little story to celebrate. As I find boasting about eating potato chips pointless drivel.
I wrote this story while bored in my schools Geometry, Michigan and World History, Biology and English classes and after a little enlightenment from a few books by Douglas Adams, I decided to write a tribute to him. I admit it may not have emulated his style at all, but it's the thought that counts I suppose. So without further ado, I present to you my story:
Once upon a time there was a simple man named Jerry Fermilab, living in a simple little land called Socatoah. Jerry's life was fairly mundane; he was CEO of a paper mill company called HypoNimboMetry Limited, lived in a modestly modest Yurt and was planning to head out to El Xanatzlantis. El Xanatzlantis was a phenomenally amazing and equally dangerous land filled with ancient treasure, monstrous animals and home to the most delightful sandwich shop.
Jerry gathered everything he would need; he had brought a bronze spear and shield from Ancient Greece he got from his cousin, an abridged "Sorcery for Dummies" book containing knowledge on how to cast basic fire and frost based spells, and a slightly rusty M16 with four clips of ammo his father brought home from Second Vietnam. Being CEO of HypoNimboMetry had its benefits, and Jerry began his quest driving a 1916 Rolls-Royce Armored Car with a 6.7 mm Anti-Peninsula water cannon mounted on the top.
Approximately one hour had passed since Jerry set off and was driving through a small river valley. Occasionally a large winged hammerhead shark would fly overhead threateningly, which left our hero uneasy. This was not the first time Jerry had ventured off to the sandwich shop, having gone to and from so many times he lost count. Rather he had to commute there less often due to the mediocre economy, he was going to the shop because today he was planning something quite important, and didn't want to do it on an empty stomach.
Jerry had entered a clearing in the valley, a sign reading "JED'S SANDWICH MONASTERY: 4 MILES" rose on the horizon dead ahead. Jerry could never understand how the shop could be a monastery, but it didn't matter to him, compacted garbage and ground-up hobos roasted over a spit fire topped with Vitamin Ṻ enriched Lightning Kraken cheese with the most divine celery, sugar beets and mayonnaise layered between two pieces of Steel Wool-based bread.
Unfortunately, Jerry encountered a problem, for you see El Xanatzlantis had quite an amazing bestiary, before our poor protagonist could realize what was going on. A two hundred and two foot metallic Cyclops jumped in from literally nowhere in front of Jerry's car. The Cyclops raised its metal foot and slammed it down in an attempt to crush the CEO. However, Jerry was determined to get his lunch, and veered a hard left to avoid the stomp.
It was time to go on the offensive; Jerry jammed the spear between the steering wheel and the gas pedal, ensuring that he would still be circling the Cyclops. He then climbed up to grab his AP water cannon, aimed it at the Cyclops ankle and opened fire. A violent stream of water surged out of the cannon, but the metal monster was unfazed. It was then that Jerry realized that a weapon designed for destroying landmasses were most ineffective against such a threat as a metallic Cyclops. Jerry thought about using some magic, knowing his assault rifle would be useless. He turned to page forty four, which detailed ice magic.
"Time to learn how to make an ice mirror, first gather your magic and make a mirror shaped object made out of ice"
The rest of the chapter excruciatingly detailed ten ways to clean a fishbowl, but it was all Jerry needed. He gathered the latent energy inside him, allowed it to flow through his blood vessels and channeled it into a corporeal form. The result was a slab of frost which looked like a large piece of paper. During this time, the Cyclops was shooting a laser beam out of its eye, destroying the surrounding countryside. The beast then fired at Jerry's ice paper, melting it effortlessly. The paper was a legal copy of the deed to his Yurt, and he now lost possession of the building.
Jerry was too determined to quit however, he went back down into his car to grab his shield. Meanwhile the Cyclops kicked a forty-ton soda can, playing a game with a local Tropical Jotun twenty miles away. When Jerry popped his head out of the car once again. The Cyclops refocused and shot an eye beam at our protagonist. Using some innovation, Jerry threw the shield at the Cyclops' face, covering the eye. Rather than do something logical and have the eye beam reflect back into the Cyclops which would then explode, the shield was easily vaporized, and then the Cyclops exploded in a cloud of flaming plasma.
Satisfied with his work, Jerry continued onward towards the sandwich shop. After a few uneventful minutes of driving through El Xanatzlantis-there was only one Rock Sasquatch chasing him-he reached the monastery. Jerry got out of his car and walked into the Zen-ish, Christian-ish monastery interior. Everything was regular as ever, various cryptids munching on homemade cookies and taking up all the Wi-Fi bandwidth. Mr. Fermilab walked up to the counter, staring at the corporeal manifestation of the Slow Down sound.
After a few moments, the sound conjured a sandwich in front of Jerry. However he was displeased at how long it took for it to show, and then complained to the manager, Mr. Jer Z. Deville about why they would let a sound that gradually lowers its frequency work at a sandwich shop. It didn't matter though, he had what he wanted.
As he walked out of the shop towards his car, sandwich sack in hand, he was intercepted by a familiar figure. Jerry was somewhat baffled why his girlfriend May was at the shop, from last he remembered she was trying to buy tickets to Ocelot Oswald's Used Car Show, where they could watch cats playing around in a bunch of old cars, AND WAGE TOTAL WAR WITH THE DOGS DOWN THE STREET IN TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION!
Despite May's surprising presence, Jerry was unfazed at this, this was the reason he purchased the sandwich, he wanted to have enough energy to propose to May. He was going to do so at the car show, but now that she was here, he could do it while he was eating his sandwich. This was perhaps a resounding plus, forget baking a cake and eating it too, this was an amazing day. However he was a bit uncertain why his future wife was radiating electricity all around her, and that she took a seemingly hostile stance.
Then it happened…
With the most ear-piercing, tooth-rattling, brain-pinching screech Jerry had ever heard. May transformed into an Avatar of Emeraudi , a goddess of lightning and stuff. You see, the rule of thumb in the pantheon of every mythology is that the goddesses must be stunningly beautiful, or a humanoid animal. Emeraudi was different, she was one of those weird women who worked out a lot and were very buff as a result. Which just about every on looking man would think: "Jeez lady, what the heck!" but wouldn't say it aloud knowing that they could easily beat them up.
When May's transformation was complete, her hypertrophic arm tore the sandwich sack from Jerry's hand. The Goddess then smashed the armored car into a crumpled sphere, and ran off into the mountains on the horizon.
Several minutes passed, but Jerry was unfazed by May's sudden appearance, he was unfazed by the scream, he was unfazed by the transformation, the destruction of his car or anything else. He was fazed however, by the fact that she took his sandwich. He could just buy another one, but he knew he shouldn't have to. Jerry summoned a winged, four-headed frost-breathing Robo-Dolphin, and flew off towards the mountains.
END OF PART ONE
This is only the first part in a (hopefully) four chapter story, I'd aprreciate some feedback from the community, especially some in-depth reviews instead of "cool story bro" as this is my first real attempt at an original fiction story.
Anyway, I think whenever an imporatant date for me comes up, I'm going to celebrate with sharing a story.
To many more years of the Edcyclopedia!