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Kevin's Jawbreakers Destroyed by Indoor Car Wash

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Remember that time that Kevin's dad got a job at the jawbreaker factory and filled his garage with jawbreakers, and how Kevin gave jawbreakers to everyone but the Eds, and so the Eds ended up breaking into his house and ending up in his bathtub which they at first assumed was an indoor car wash but soon learned that it wasn't but along the way found out about Kevin's hat neurosis where he wears a hat even when he bathes?

As it turns out, Edd wasn't completely wrong when he suggested that Kevin had an indoor car wash. It seems that Kevin's garage is equipped with an indoor car wash, which Kevin's dad had put in after Kevin cleared away the jawbreakers by selling them to the kids. However, unfortunately for Kevin, the car wash is rather messy, and when a water hose malfunctioned, it sprayed the jawbreakers that had once again started to accumulate, melting them.

The kids were naturally much distressed to hear this.

Edd: "Well, Kevin must naturally be in some distress at the loss of his beloved jawbreakers. I hate to be a wet blanket, pardon the wordplay, but I can't help but feel this would not have happened were the jawbreakers kept in a safer place, better shielded from wet environments."
Eddy: "BWAHAHA! Shovel-chin finally got what he deserved!"
Nazz: "Dude, this is totally not cool. I should go over and see if he's okay."

So there you have it. Kevin's jawbreaker stash has been destroyed, turning into liquid assets that swiftly went down the drain. We tried to reach Kevin for comment, but couldn't, as he refused to talk to us after we started laughing at him.

Edd Wins First Prize in Flower Competition

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Edd won first prize today in the Peach Creek Jr. High botany competition for his perfect exhibition of a rose crossed with a baby blue gym sock.

That's it. That's all that happened. What, you want us to write a full report? Well tough beans, that's all that happened! Double D won a dumb flower competition with a dumb flower! Nobody really cares, but it was a slow news day, so this was all we had to run! What, you're upset that we can't say more about a stupid flower? Well too bad! Sometimes we have to write about flowers because there aren't any giant monster attacks or zany misadventures and we're making no progress when it comes to uncovering a government conspiracy involving sheep-powered rayguns! You heard me, sheep-powered rayguns! But no, my editor is all "we have to print factual, provable truths" and "nobody cares about sheep" well no I care about sheep! Rolf cares about sheep! Everyone cares about sheep! They're cute and fluffy and nice and they should not be running around big cities trying to escape the cruel, cold government which–

Oh look at that, I hit my wordcount for this article. Anyway, Edd won a flower competition, yadda yadda, we're all proud, yadda yadda, flowers are pretty. Oh, and Kevin got second place, for whatever that's worth.

GI Muckraker
Stories too good to print

Origins of the Kanker Sisters Revealed!

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You know how nobody knows where the Kanker sisters came from, and how every new piece of information just serves to confuse the case further? Well, we here at the GI have cracked the case, and we owe it all to Ed! Yes, Ed, the big lummox, came up with the solution we were looking for!

Of course, you may call baloney and hogwash and say that we are attempting to rupture your pumpernickel, but this is not the case! Yes, the Kankers are a devious group with a confusing backstory, but we have managed to unravel it!

Think back to the beginning. The Kankers seem to be newly moved in to the neighborhood, living in a trailer. However, upon doing some historical research, it was revealed that they in fact once owned the land Peach Creek was built on. Not only that, but in an exclusive interview about their ship-in-a-bottle, they revealed that they used to play with it in the bathtub back at the old homestead. Not only this, but their fathers are never around. So what is the obvious conclusion about the Kanker Sisters' origins? Well, let's go to Ed.

Eddy: "Where'd you come from?"
Ed: "Blame my parents, Eddy."

So there you have it. The Kankers originate from their parents. We at the GI are happy to have shed a little light into this aspect of the Cul-de-Sac and unravelled one of its greatest mysteries.

Ed-Itorial
From the mind of Xydux

if kevin,nazz,jhonhy and plank and kankers what wood they be like? - Question submitted by 2.122.226.195

Well, 2, you have atrocious grammar. 2…2…say, you wouldn't by any chance happen to be related to that chili-dog-eating pun-making invention-creating adult-rebelling flyboy gumshoe kid who came in here a few days ago demanding that we not do any stories on him or his friends, would you? Because man, is that guy a loser!

Anyway 2, to answer your question, I think Kevin would be like a nice ash, or perhaps a cedar. Nazz, meanwhile, would be a balboa, I believe. As for this jhonhy guy, I have no idea, but he's got a weird name, so maybe a…no, maybe a…forget it I got nothing. He's probably not even into wood at all. As for the Kankers, they're obviously gonna be an aspen grove. Plank though, well, he's already wood, so moot question.

Also, 2, you seem to be pretty into wood. Maybe you should get together with Jonny 2x4 and Plank. They like wood too!

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Le Jimmy's Bee-yooty Salon Grand Reopening

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After it's ignominious destruction, Le Jimmy's has reopened! Come on down and get yourself a Duct-Tape Waxing, a Condiment Manicure, or just a Spaghetti Relaxation Bath! That's Le Jimmy's Bee-yooty Salon, located right at the end of Rethink Avenue!

"GRAVY: IT'S NOT JUST MEATJUICE, IT'S A WAY OF LIFE"
GRAVYIST PARTY MOTTO

To become a member of the GI, contact Editor-in-Chief J. Jonah Jameson.
If he's not in, talk to Managing Editor Agent M.
If he's out, talk to Editor-in-Chief-In-The-Case-Of-Everyone-Else-Being-Out-Of-Town-And-Even-Then-Only-If-We-Don't-Find-Anyone-More-Competent Xydux.

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